Total Drama Fantasy
by Freedom Fighter
Summary: It's the cast of 'Total Drama' in a 13-chapter epic parody of RPGs! Trent, Cody, and Gwen are the leads in this wacky adventure as they traverse a land in which blondes have theme songs, dodgeballs are weapons, and Izzy can and will appear anywhere.
1. Onward to Adventure!

(Somewhere, in the deep reaches of time and space...  
There exists an alternate universe  
'Total Drama Action Celebrity Manhunt Reunion Special'  
Never came to be

Following TDA, the cast was happy with what they had done  
Almost all of them were content with going back to their old lives  
The few who weren't... well  
They still found ways to deal with the absence of fame

But then Chris McLean, a nicer person in this reality  
Was passed along a hilarious idea by a friend  
Who was a writer for a world-renowned RPG company  
And was looking to break into the fanfiction business

The problem was, the celebrity reality host knew nothing  
About the profession of writing stories based on hit TV shows  
So to keep his friend from ruining his reputation on a bad product  
Chris offered to buy the rights to the idea

Using his clout, Chris got the opportunity to pitch the story  
To Fanfiction-dot-net, the most popular fanfiction host on the web  
They immediately funded the production of a pilot  
To see if the story was worth posting

But Chris only knew about hosting parodies, not writing them  
But he didn't want to pay union pricing for a top-notch penman  
So the reality host did the only thing he could do  
He wrote it himself

Research showed RPG parodies had to have three things...)

* * *

(Heroes who went on quests...)

Cody was wandering around a supermarket, lost amongst its many aisles.

"Um... can anyone help me find the Red Elixir of Life?" he asked aloud.

"You mean Fruit Punch Gatorade?" Izzy yelled. "Aisle Five!"

* * *

(Girls in fashion-defying barely-there outfits...)

Gwen held up a genuine replica of the clothes the new female heroine in 'Pokémon Black' and 'Pokémon White' wears.

"No," she objected. "Not as long as I live!"

* * *

(And the one thing every hero has to have...)

Trent sat at his desk in his office, his face buried in his hands. His son, Harold, openly wept as he sat on the other side.

"I'm sorry, Father! But, somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son!"

"Why, Harold?" Trent asked.

"Because... I have amnesia!"

[Insert dramatic music]

* * *

Gwen and Harold stood on a yacht, with Gwen pointing a gun at his head.

"Before I kill you, I must ask you one question: who am I? For I have... amnesia!"

[Insert dramatic music x 2]

* * *

In a generic living room, Gwen, Harold, and Cody sat on a sofa while Trent stood in front of them, looking at them all.

"Let me get this straight... does anyone here **NOT** have amnesia?"

The others all looked at each other and started to murmur.

"Not sure," shrugged Gwen.

"I 'unno," added Cody non-constructively.

[Insert dramatic music x 3]

Suddenly, Izzy burst into the room, quivering in fear. Trent gasped.

"Izzy! Do you..."

"Yes!" she shouted. "I have... Hippopotomonstro-sesquippedalio-phobia!"

[Insert dramatic music x Three-hundred sixty five]  
[Okay... that's enough...]

All the guys were stunned beyond words. Gwen, though, was just upset.

"Izzy! You ruined the joke!"

"Huh?"

"And what are you talking about? What the heck is hipotmonsquid..."

Izzy screamed with terror. "**EEK! DON'T SAY THAT WORD!**"

She then bolted out of the room, in fear of her own life.

* * *

(Suddenly believing he had created the worst parody in history  
Chris abandoned his efforts to write the story  
He did the only thing he could think of  
Hire a ten-year amateur veteran to do it for cheap)

Chris was sitting at the negotiation table with the story's author (also known as... me) to hash out a deal...

"I'll do it if you tell me who wins 'Total Drama World Tour!'"

"Not happenin', bro."

"Fine..." I growled, "I want a can of soda a day, and unlimited access to YouTube."

"Deal!" Chris exclaimed, jumping out of his seat. "Cue the theme song, 'cause here's the pilot of... **TOTAL**... **DRAMA**... **FANTASY!**"

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

So with that, a story is born! Welcome to my first straight-up 'Total Drama' story! Well, straight-up as a parody story can be, anyway.

Look for every character from the show to make an appearance! Some sooner than later. Which side is your favorite on? Read on to find out as our story begins...

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

-  
**Chapter One - Onward... to Adventure! (06.21.10)**  
-

(Our story begins in a quaint little village  
It's full name is too long and Japanese to pronounce  
So we'll just call it... Toronto

(What? I told you this is cheap!  
Next you'll be saying that the intro didn't read like a poem!)

A beautiful sunny day began with two best friends meeting up in the center of town. But this was going to be more than just an ordinary day, as they both had backpacks on, as if they were heading out on a trip.

"Ready to go, Cody?"

"You betcha, Trent!"

"Then onward... to adventure!"

Trent started to march towards the town border, but Cody grabbed him by the arm, stopping him in his tracks.

"Wait... why are we going on this adventure again?"

"Because, when I was a baby, I was brought here and abandoned on the steps of town hall by my birth parents. I was found by whom I now call Pa and Ma, who raised me to be the teenager I am now! I'm sixteen, starting to find my way; gotta new job, gonna start at the mall today!"

"What mall? This is Toronto, not Beverly Hills!"

"You know what I mean! I want to go out and find the people who gave birth to me, and ask them why they wanted me to grow up wondering who they are and wanting to search for them starting today!"

"What about me? What's my back-story?"

"Coming into town yesterday, you tripped, banged your head against a rock, and lost all your memories!"

Cody laughed out loud. "Only you, my best friend since childhood, would make up a story like that!"

"I... didn't make that up..."

"Stop kidding, you kidder!"

"Enough of this dilly-dallying! Let's head onward... to adventure!"

Trent started to head off, but Cody grabbed him yet again.

"Damn it, Cody! What now?"

"I don't feel that we can traverse this journey safely without one more companion. You know, there's strength in numbers!"

"Great suggestion! But one problem with that... who's going to be the third member of our party?"

"It should be someone who can use magic..."

"As well as someone who likes our sense of humor..."

"But most importantly of all..."

The two shouted their thoughts out loud for everyone to hear.

"**IT MUST BE A HOT GIRL WHOM WE CAN BOTH FALL HEAD-OVER-HEELS FOR AND MUST SPEND THE ENTIRE STORY FIGHTING OVER WHOM GETS TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH HER AFTER IT'S ALL OVER!**"

Suddenly, the sound of a nearby front door being forced open could be heard. Out stepped an irate girl, one not mad at Trent and Cody's loud declaration that she probably knew referred to her, but because she was trying to escape from an argument she was having with someone.

Three guesses as to who this girl is, and the first two don't count.

"Alright already!" Gwen yelled back inside her house. "I promise... I can't come home unless it's with a boyfriend!"

With that, she slammed the door shut and walked down the steps. But even as she stomped her way down, both Trent and Cody saw it as her bouncing off clouds one foot at a time on her way down from Heaven.

"Humina humina humina..." stuttered Trent.

"First dibs!" called Cody, sprinting off towards Gwen.

"Dude... not cool!"

Trent ran after him, but by the time he got over to Gwen, Cody had already stopped her at the bottom of the stairs and was chatting her up.

"So, wanna come on an adventure with me?" Cody asked, getting straight to the point. "You can get away from here, travel the world, and get to try on a whole bunch of killer outfits!"

"Are you supposed to be a fashion designer or something?"

"I think what my friend is trying to say," Trent cut in, "is that we're about to go on a journey to find out where we came from. And we'd really like it if you joined us on our quest."

"Oh, you guys are questing? What a coincidence! So am I!"

Gwen reached into her backpack...

"Wait," Cody oddly looked at her. "Did you have that on before?"

...and pulled out a small box, which she opened to reveal a golden engagement ring.

"My dad 'apparently' believes 16 is too old for a girl to be single, so he doesn't want me return until I'm married. Can you believe that?"

"Heh..." the two guys laughed nervously. "...imagine that."

"You two seem like nice guys... okay, I'm in! Let's hit the road!"

"Woo hoo!" Cody cheered.

"Awesome," Trent said with a smile.

"So... where are we headed, boys?"

Gwen's question stopped Trent and Cody dead in their tracks.

"You don't even know? Some adventurers you turned out to be!"

"Give us a break," Trent pleaded. "We haven't exactly done this before, you know!"

"She's right, though," Cody admitted. "It would help if we had a clue as to what to do."

Without warning, a guy in a black cloak bumped into Cody. As a result, five crumpled pieces of paper fell to the ground.

"Sorry," the guy hastily apologized.

He picked up four of the paper balls and hustled off.

"Hey, sir..." Cody spoke up as he picked up the fifth. "You forgot this..."

Too late, as the guy had already disappeared from sight.

"Talk about a fast mover. He must've been in a rush to get somewhere."

Trent calmly took the crumpled piece of paper and opened it up. It turned out to be a flier.

"'Izzy's Backwater Emporium,'" Trent read aloud as Cody and Gwen looked on from either side. "'The best place for those looking to venture outside their village for the first time ever on this side of the Little Lakes.' Hmmm... how convenient."

"Too convenient, if you ask me," noted Cody.

"I wonder where this place is..."

"I think I have a pretty good idea..." observed Gwen.

The boys looked up as Gwen pointed to a neon sign three times the size of the largest house in the entire village. It incessantly flashed the words 'Izzy's Backwater Emporium.'

As they walked towards it, around a nearby corner, the cloaked guy from before took his hood off to reveal himself to be... Harold!

"All according to plan!" he said with a smirk on his face.

* * *

Seconds later, the trio was inside and at the front desk. Seeing no one around, Trent reached for the bell on the desktop and rang it.

"Customers!" they heard a female voice yell from the back.

The gang then gasped in shock when a grizzly bear walked out of the stock room and up to the front desk.

"Roar!" she mock-growled.

"Izzy?" Gwen guessed.

"How did you know?" Izzy replied.

Izzy took her bear head off and tossed it aside, and then unzipped herself out of her costume, doing the same to the false pelt.

"It's the name on the mega sign outside... and it's on your flier."

"Speaking of the sign," Cody wondered out loud, "given this is supposed to be a 15th-Century village... how do you have electricity?"

"My name is actually Crazy Izzy," answered Izzy, "and the reason I have electricity... is because I'm craaaaaaaazy!"

Trent, Gwen, and Cody all looked at each other, wondering what they had just gotten themselves into.

"Anyway, I've been expecting you guys! Follow me!"

As Izzy headed for the door that led into the supply room, the trio again looked at each other with apprehension.

* * *

"The first thing you guys need..." Izzy told them, "is spiffy new duds!"

Izzy disappeared empty-handed and reappeared a split second later, with three small rectangular boxes. She put them down on a nearby table to allow the trio to ponder what was in them.

"Ladies first!" Izzy exclaimed as she grabbed Gwen by the hand.

Izzy opened one box up and pulled out of it a black leotard, a black cape, and a dark green skirt.

"Wow..." Gwen gasped, a little surprised. "This actually looks... wearable!"

"Okay, Cool Guy, you're next!"

As Gwen held up her outfit to the light, Izzy took one of the two remaining boxes and calmly walked it over to Trent. She passed it to him, but once she let go, it became too heavy for him to hold. He and the box promptly fell to the ground.

"Ow!"

"Oh, just remembered," Izzy looked back. "It's mood armor. The more negative you feel, the heavier it becomes!"

"But I wasn't thinking negative! At least... I don't think I was."

Trent reached into the box, thinking positive as he did. He pulled out a lime green shirt, matching-colored tights, and... pointy ears?

"Is this... an elf costume?"

"Yeah, but don't worry... the ears are just for show. They don't have any special powers and junk."

"It must be my turn," Cody said, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

As Trent tossed aside the elf ears, Izzy grabbed the last box and handed it over to Cody. He opened it and pulled out... a white T-shirt and sky blue shorts.

"What... is this?"

"A Japanese boys' gym uniform!" Izzy proudly declared.

"I'm not going to wear this!" Cody shouted as he shoved the box back into Izzy's hands.

"Too bad, because the only other thing I have that'll fit you is one of those scrawny little loincloths that cavemen used to wear..."

Cody mumbled something undecipherable as he took his box back.

"That's the spirit!" Izzy rejoiced.

* * *

After changing into their outfits...

"Time for the second thing all adventurers need!" Izzy exclaimed. "Tools to use to fight the forces of evil!"

Izzy showed them a tray with three plastic bags on them. Trent, Gwen, and Cody reached into them and pulled out, respectively...

"I got a guitar! Uh... rockin'?"

"I got something called... the Charm of Bezel. Okay..."

"I got a rock."

"Oops," Izzy blushed, realizing her mistake. "Wrong Trent, wrong Gwen, and wrong... just wrong, Charlie Brown!"

Izzy put the bags back on the tray and went to put them back. She returned a minute later, with a different tray of three plastic bags. Again, the trio reached into them and pulled their weapons out...

"A sword!" Trent shouted with excitement, as a sword almost as big as him emerged from the bag. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"

Trent started to swing his sword around, trying to get a feel of the best way to handle it.

"A dark magic spell book?" questioned Gwen. "As cool as that sounds, I don't know how to use magic."

She then snapped her fingers, and a gust of wind quickly blew through the room. It blew fast enough to open the book to a page detailing spells involving wind.

"I got a red... rock."

Cody looked unhappy as he held the red rock in his hand.

"That's a dodgeball, silly!" Izzy corrected him.

"Wait, what kind of a weapon is..."

"**TIME FOR THE LAST THING ADVENTURERS NEED!**" yelled Izzy.

* * *

An hour later, the four of them were outside in an open, grassy field.

"You have to learn how to use your outfits and weapons to defend yourself in the wild!" the redhead explained. "Like this!"

The trio watched as Izzy balled her left hand into the shape of a small handgun and aimed it at a squirrel just innocently passing by. An innocent squirrel carrying an acorn.

"Boom boom!"

Izzy fired two quick, successive shots from her finger blaster, which upon impact blew both the squirrel and the acorn into smithereens. Left in their place were two penny-sized coins and a small test tube with clear red liquid in it.

"Alright!" Izzy shouted, before beginning to sing. "You just got pwned, FTW!"

As Izzy sung and danced, the trio just tried to absorb what had just happened.

"Did she just kill a squirrel?" Trent asked.

"Did said squirrel have money and potions on him?" queried Gwen.

"Did she... just break into joyous song?" questioned Cody.

"...and said let's kill those guys!" sang Izzy.

But Cody wasn't the only one confused as to why Izzy was singing and dancing like an idiot, as Harold looked on from behind a nearby tree.

"I'm not paying her to sing famous video game tunes with lyrics!" he growled. "Gah... she's not worth 20 dollars an hour!"

"I don't care if you're a cute bunny," Izzy continued, actually coming upon a doe-eyed rabbit, "I'll kick your ass for realz!"

She then promptly booted it into the next country!

"Hey, what did you do that for?" Trent asked. "It didn't do anything to you!"

Izzy stopped singing and dancing suddenly. She stayed that way for a few seconds before finally reacting.

"Crap! Now I've forgotten the rest of the song! I guess I have no choice."

"That's a relief," Gwen sighed.

"I'm gonna have to kill you all."

Gwen did a double-take. "Well... that's too dark, even for me!"

Izzy roared in anger, then formed her left hand into a handgun again. But this time, she fired two shots in Gwen's direction. Gwen froze in fear, her life beginning to flash before her eyes.

"After surviving two seasons on 'Total Drama,'" she thought to herself, "this is how I'm gonna die? How... normal..."

But Gwen's life was saved when Trent jumped in the path of Izzy's speedy bullets, which each hit either side of his chest.

"Trent!" Gwen cried. "No! Why did you do that?"

"Why did I do what?" Trent asked as he got up from the ground. "Hold on... I know you're alive, but why am I alive?"

Izzy gasped. "How did you know that your armor is immune to simple imaginary gun shots?"

"It is?"

Trent looked at his outfit. Although there was bullet residue left where the two bullets had impacted his chest, neither had actually made it through the shirt. As a result, Trent didn't even feel any pain from being shot.

"Double awesome!"

Izzy chuckled. "Heh heh... I'll admit I goofed again. But you can't protect her all day!"

"Good," Gwen said as she stepped in front of Trent. "Because I'm not here to be a damsel in distress!"

Gwen's spell book appeared, floating in the air just to her left, and open to a page on basic wind spells.

"Like I'm gonna give you time to read it!" Izzy shouted, firing off another pair of rounds.

"Betep!" Gwen shouted, thrusting her hands forward.

A strong gust of wind shot out from between her arms, moving fast enough to make Izzy's invisible bullets actually visible, and as a result, slowing them to a stop, allowing gravity to take over and make them fall harmlessly to the grass.

"What language was that?" Trent asked Gwen.

"How should I know? I don't even know how I know I actually pronounced it right!"

"Okay, so that's two powers I'm regretting giving out," Izzy groaned. "But wait... wasn't there three?"

Izzy quickly got her answer... when she got clocked in the side of the head with a red rubber ball! Cody's red rubber ball, that is.

"Ow!" she moaned, rubbing the side of her head. "That actually **HURT**! I'm out for now, suckers!"

Izzy produced a small sphere and threw it at the ground. In an instant, smoke filled the air, blinding our heroes and making them cough uncontrollably.

When the air cleared, Izzy was gone.

"I think that means we won," concluded Cody.

"Way to go!" congratulated Gwen, adding in a hug for good measure.

"It... was... nothing..."

Gwen let go of Cody and started walking to a nearby dirt path. Trent, meanwhile, wasn't happy of Cody getting a reward.

"Hey, no fair, dude! I saved her life!"

"What can I say? The girl likes offense, not defense."

"But I have a sword! Which... I didn't use... but I have a sword!"

"What are you two waiting for?" Gwen asked, tapping her foot impatiently. "Don't we have a journey to start?"

Trent looked at Cody. "You may have won the first battle, but we've got twelve more chapters to go!"

"Look forward to the challenge, friend!"

With that, the two boys caught up with Gwen. Together, they headed out... onward to adventure!

***** To be continued... *****  
**[it's adventure time!]**


	2. The Challenger

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Thanks to all of you who read the first chapter! I hope you're all back for the second, because there's plenty more insanity on the way! A new character debuts each chapter, so remember to keep tuning in to see when your favorite makes your entrance... if they haven't yet!

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

* * *

(Having survived their first battle  
Trent, Gwen, and Cody set out on their journey  
But are they really up to the task of surviving in the wild?)

We rejoin our heroes, who are in the midst of a battle. Trent was about to deliver the finishing blow, as he raised his sword up into the air. He then thrust it down to the ground, and right into a rat. The rat then disappeared, leaving behind three pennies.

"I'm never gonna get used to this," Gwen admitted, balking in disgust. "Why do we have to kill useless woodland creatures, anyway?"

"That's how the heroes level up at the beginning," Cody explained. "Warms them up before they get to the really dangerous stuff."

Trent picked up the coins and deposited them into a makeshift change bag he had put together.

"I just hope when we come across a place to get some grub, we have enough money to get something other than scraps!"

"This sucks worse than being at a rundown summer camp," Gwen declared.

The three then walked along the path to a top of a hill, from where they spotted a small village.

"It's a village! We're saved!"

They danced in celebration before sprinting down the hill.

(Their first day as adventurers may finally be in the books.  
But the real challenge is only just beginning...)

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

-  
**Chapter Two - The Challenger (06.28.10)**  
-

(Our heroes may be happy  
But our villain certainly isn't...)

Harold was sitting at a table in the lobby of a village hostel, armed with pen and paper as he tried to figure out what went wrong.

"I never should have trusted Izzy to do the job!" he complained loudly. "She should have known better than to give them things that could be used to defeat her! That's something a mentor would do, not an enemy! And to think... I thought she would be a great villainess!"

He then sighed as he scribbled some numbers on his paper.

"And then there's the issue of all her expenses. $275 for three hours of electricity? It's not even supposed to exist in this universe! God!"

Suddenly, Harold felt somebody tapping his shoulder.

"Excuse me..."

Harold looked up from his paper and saw Tyler standing in front of him, holding a newspaper want-ad clipping.

"You the one looking for someone to get rid of three troublemakers?"

"So, you saw my ad in the Gazette? Very well... but money is tight right now. I can't afford to pay you much."

"That's okay... I already have a plan in place to kill these pests of yours, and all I need is your approval. And I work for minimum wage!"

"Cheap and efficient," Harold said with a smile. "I like. Finish the job in an hour, and I'll pay you tenfold!"

"Yahoo!" Tyler cheered. "That means five whole dollars! I'm eating good tonight!"

Tyler then left to put his plan into action, and Harold rubbed his hands in eager anticipation.

"Easiest 100 grand I've ever made..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Gwen marched out of the local hotel, because she wasn't happy with what they were charging.

"75 dollars for a room with nothing but one bed made completely of hay?" she yelled back towards the front desk. "I have the same thing at home, **AND I CAN SLEEP THERE FOR FREE!**"

Gwen shook her head in disgust, but stopped when she noticed that Trent and Cody were nowhere in sight.

"Hey... where'd you guys go?"

* * *

Trent and Cody had found their way to the village market. Cody was browsing through potions while Trent was walking through the armory.

"So you're telling me this thing can bring people back to life?" Cody asked the old lady merchant, holding up a small vial filled with orange liquid.

"Yep. To half their life force."

"Only half? You mean if I have to give it to someone, it only brings them half back to life? Does that mean the half with the mouth, or the half that can walk? Or maybe it's the half with the heart..."

"Kid, do you want the Animate Me or not?"

Cody sighed. "Fine... half a life is better than no life."

He paid for his purchases, which also included a few red liquid vials and one yellow liquid vial. After getting them all bagged, he walked over to Trent, who was looking at a new outfit.

"You didn't spend all our money on potions, did you?" Trent asked. "I hope there's enough left to buy this."

Trent held up a lime green shirt and matching-colored tights.

"Dude... that's the same thing you're wearing right now."

"No, it's not!" Trent exclaimed. "Unlike this cheap knock-off Izzy gave me, the one here actually works!"

"But didn't it protect you in that battle earlier?"

"It did, but she also said its weight was dependent on the wearer's emotions. Remember how I reacted when Gwen hugged you?"

"Now that you mention it..."

"See? The thing doesn't work!"

"Maybe we should give it a test..."

Cody reached for a nearby female mannequin and pressed his lips firmly against its. And held it for five seconds. Trent looked unimpressed as Cody finally let go, propping the mannequin up next to the counter.

"I don't see how that's a test..."

Cody smirked. "That's what I'm going to do the next time I see Gwen..."

Trent growled with rage. "Why you little..."

He never got to finish his sentence, as the armor instantly grew by five times its weight, pulling Trent to the floor with a loud thud.

"See?" Cody said with a smile. "Still works!"

"Very... funny..." gasped Trent sarcastically, trying to push himself up but unable to lift himself even three inches up.

"There you two are!" Gwen exclaimed as she walked up behind Cody.

Cody turned around and froze in shock seeing Gwen standing there. He looked straight into her eyes for about five seconds...

Before passing out and falling to the floor.

"Um," Gwen uttered with her hands on her hips. "Is there a joke here lost in translation? Because I don't get it."

"Noooo..." wheezed Trent.

"Okay then... when you guys are done playing around on the floor... I'll be waiting for you at the local diner."

Gwen then walked out, leaving a fainted Cody and a gasping-for-air Trent.

"Little help? Somebody?"

* * *

20 minutes, smelling salts, and a crowbar later...

Trent and Cody were sitting next to each other in a booth, gobbling some grade-B cheeseburgers, while Gwen sat alone on the other side, slowly spooning away at a baked potato with one hand while counting what money they had left with her other hand.

"So after everything," Gwen told her traveling partners, "we're down to... a dollar and 73 cents."

"Nowhere near enough to spend even an hour in that hotel you checked out," Cody calculated.

"You mean we don't have enough money to sleep anywhere decent?" Trent confirmed.

"Unless you qualify decent as twisting your body into a comfortable position on the cobblestone village paths... no."

"Maybe I can help you dudes out!"

The three turned to see Tyler standing in front of their table.

"Can we help you?" Trent asked.

"No! But I can help you guys! I overheard your predicament, and boy, do I have the solution for you!"

Before any of them could raise any objections, he slid into the booth next to Gwen... which set off Trent and Cody's jealousy meters.

Until Trent's armor grew again and he had to start thinking happy thoughts to keep from sliding under the table.

"You guys can stay at my family's hotel! We offer great service, and we're off the beaten path, so not too many people know about it. In fact, it's so far off that we're willing to offer a free night to anyone willing to try us out!"

"What's the catch?" Cody asked as Trent finally got his armor back to normal size. "Lemme guess... you'll do it if Gwen sleeps with you."

"What?" Gwen freaked.

"What?" Trent similarly reacted, before his armor grew again and pulled him back down to the floor.

Tyler took one look at Gwen and stuck his tongue out in disgust.

"Why would I want to sleep with **THAT**?"

Gwen raised an eyebrow in dismay.

"Ex-**CUSE** me?"

"Look," Tyler clarified, "I heard you guys were adventurers, so I wanted to challenge you to a contest. If you win, you get to stay free of charge. Lose, and you all pay full price. And, I assure, the challenge isn't that tough. Anyone in the right shape can pass. So, do we have a deal?"

"You mind if we talk about it first?" questioned Cody.

Tyler nodded, then got up and walked off. The trio conferred, albeit with Trent still stuck on the floor.

"I'm not sure about this guy," grumbled Gwen, crossing her arms over her chest. "He's got bad taste."

"And he wears red," commented Cody. "Everyone knows red is the color of evil."

"I don't know, guys," uttered Trent from underneath the table. "He's friendly enough, he doesn't have a thing for Gwen..."

They then notice Tyler had placed a bar-stool in the middle of an aisle and was attempting to jump over it in one bound.

"**AHHHHHHHHHH!**" he screamed as he ran to it.

Unfortunately, he hadn't noticed one of his shoelaces was untied. He ended up tripping over it, falling forward, and landing face-first right into the seat... and then the floor. The diner's employees and patrons laughed hysterically at his misfortune.

"...and then there's that," finished Trent.

"I see your point," nodded Cody. "Besides, our other options are... are... well, we don't have any other options."

Cody got up and walked over to help Tyler to his feet.

"Alright, my man... you've got yourself a deal!"

"Sweet! Just follow me!"

Tyler headed for the door. Trent walked past Cody, having calmed down again. He then subtlety motioned for Cody to look behind him. Cody didn't seem to catch the signal.

He, however, did catch a certain magic spell book to the head, knocking him to the floor. Gwen stomped over and glared down at Cody before picking her book up and heading out.

"Okay..." squeaked Cody. "I totally deserved that..."

* * *

Two aspirin and yet another 20 minutes later...

Tyler had led Trent, Gwen, and Cody out of the village and into a meadow, one lit by lanterns to illuminate the area as the sun was just minutes from disappearing over the horizon. There also happened to be about a dozen tents cleanly pitched in the immediate area.

"This is a hotel?" questioned Trent. "It looks more like a campground!"

"That explains why they have no business," observed Gwen.

"What do you think?" Tyler asked, looking a positive response.

"This isn't what we were picturing, exactly," Cody said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"If it's all the same," Trent said, "I think we're safer taking our chances on someone taking pity on us in the village."

The three turned around to head back, but before they could take a step, Tyler was standing in front of them. The trio was stunned.

"H-h-h-how?" stuttered Gwen.

"I'm the resident athletic God," Tyler replied. "I can run faster, jump higher, and punch stronger than anyone in the quad-village area!"

"That's great," said an uncaring Cody as he tried to step to the side.

Tyler ran behind Cody, grabbed his left arm, and pulled it behind his back.

"Ow, ow, ow!" screamed Cody before he even knew what hit him.

"Don't try to skip out!" Tyler shouted. "There's no escape!"

"Let him go!" pleaded Gwen.

Tyler let out an evil chuckle, then he released his grip on Cody's arm. Cody rubbed his sore limb as he sat down on the ground in front of Trent and Gwen.

"What do you want?" Trent asked.

"Like I said, I want to challenge the three of you! But since you're not interested in my 'hotel,' let's up the stakes a bit."

"We're listening."

"I have three challenges, and each of you must complete one of them. If you win, I'll let you go. But if I win... I get to kill you."

"As exciting as that sounds," Gwen told him, "we're not interested in dying today!"

"You don't have a choice! Besides, you're adventurers! If you really want to be a success, you have to pass challenges such as these!"

The heroic trio looked at each other, and after a few seconds they seemed to agree that Tyler was right.

"We accept your challenges!" Trent declared as he stepped forward. "I'm going first!"

Tyler smirked. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear!"

* * *

The first challenge was a test of strength. Tyler and Trent were each standing on top of ten wooden crates, each of which were five feet tall. Back on ground-level, Gwen and Cody were straining their necks to see up to the top... and the lack of sunlight wasn't helping them.

"The first challenge is simple," Tyler told Trent. "Destroy all of the crates, in order from top to the bottom. First to the bottom wins! Oh, and if you fall off... you're disqualified!"

"Break these crates with my own two hands? I can't do that!"

"Fine," Tyler conceded, "you can use your sword to help."

Back at the bottom...

"How are we supposed to know who wins?" Gwen asked.

She quickly got her answer when a cloud of smoke poofed onto the scene... and Izzy stepped out, dressed in a referee's uniform.

"Alright, kiddies... let's get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Is that Izzy?" Cody gasped as he hid behind Gwen. "She's gonna kill us!"

"What?" Izzy rolled her eyes. "No, silly, I'm just here doing the officiatin' thang!"

"But what about you trying to kill us earlier?" Gwen asked.

"That wasn't me... that was my cousin, Crazy Izzy! She does stuff like that. I'm Official Izzy!"

"As in the real Izzy?"

"No, as the Izzy who officiates stuff! I thought I made that clear the first time!"

Izzy then produced a whistle out of her pocket and turned her attention to the competitors.

"Let's do this!"

She then blew the whistle, signifying the start of the challenge.

"**YAAAAAAA!**" Tyler yelled, rearing his fist back and then smashing it straight down into the center of the first crate.

Trent watched as, with one punch, Tyler had completely destroyed the first crate. There wasn't any flying leftovers... the whole thing had been disintegrated in one shot.

"No way! That's gonna be tough to beat!"

Trent went to work as he raised his sword and thrust it downward into the crate. But not only did it do nothing, but now it was also stuck, as Trent struggled to pull it back out.

"Stupid sword!"

Meanwhile, Gwen and Cody started to worry as Tyler quickly got through the second, then the third, and the fourth...

"Gotta think of something fast..." Trent muttered to himself.

Trent then thought ahead to the immediate future, where Cody and Gwen were standing in front of his tombstone. Gwen was crying in sadness while Cody comforted her... with a lustful smile on his face.

"As if!" Trent yelled angrily.

Trent's armor spontaneously increased its weight tenfold, and he immediately started falling through the crates. Large pieces of wood were sent flying everywhere as Gwen, Cody, and Izzy fled for cover, even as Tyler punched away crate number eight, then nine, and...

The arrival of both competitors at ground-level produced a cloud of dust and wood that was unapproachable. When everything finally settled down after a minute, all that was left was a huge pile of wood... and Trent and Tyler's right hands sticking out of the top.

"No!" gasped Gwen.

Izzy ran over and grabbed both boys' hands, as if trying to feel for a pulse. Then, without warning, Trent emerged from the rubble with a few cuts and bruises on him. Tyler came out a second later, in a similar state.

"Challenger wins!" Izzy declared, as she let go of Tyler's hand.

"How could you tell?" argued Tyler.

"All referee's decisions are final and unprotestable," Izzy told him, "because Official Izzy's rulings are the law, son!"

"But..."

"**THEY BE LAW, SON!**"

* * *

The second challenge was a test of jumping ability. Five five-foot high crates were stacked up for Tyler and his competitor, Gwen, to jump over.

"I don't think I can even make it over one!" Gwen cried out. "How am I supposed to jump five in a single bound?"

"Fine," Tyler rolled his eyes. "You can use your magic powers."

Tyler then demonstrated his need for no assists, as he easily jumped a good thirty feet into the air, easily clearing the crates and landing safely back on the ground, all without breaking a sweat.

"Top that!" Tyler challenged Gwen.

"It's impossible!" Cody shouted.

"Just run," Trent suggested. "There's no shame in it! We'll hold him off as long as we can!"

"We will?" Cody looked at his teammate with concern.

But Gwen had other ideas as she turned to Izzy.

"I want this to be quick... so let's double the height!"

"What?" both boys freaked out.

Tyler laughed. "Ha ha! You must be stupider than I am! Oh, wait..."

Izzy materialized five new crates of the same size as the first few, then moved them into position atop the originals with little delay.

"Was there a sale on mega-sized crates somewhere?" Trent wondered.

Izzy shrugged. "Dunno... I just love mega-sized crates..."

Gwen closed her eyes and concentrated. After taking a few seconds to charge up, she opened her eyes while simultaneously pointing her hands towards the ground.

"Betep!" she yelled.

Gwen blasted high up into the air, and everyone watched as she peaked at just over 55 feet, just high enough for her feet to pass over the top of the highest crate. She then had the presence of mind to use her hands to hold her skirt down as she came flying back down to Earth on the other side. Finally, she used the wind to slow her descent, resulting in her landing being as light as a feather.

"Woo hoo!" Trent and Cody cheered. "Way to go, Gwen!"

"Amateur," Tyler blew her off, "I can do that too!"

Tyler jumped up to attempt to match Gwen's feat using his own feet. The trio and Izzy watched as he cleared six, seven, eight, nine...

And then promptly smacked face first into the tenth and final one. The impact plus Tyler's momentum caused the stack to tip over and fall, again sending everyone below running for cover.

After another extended cloud of dust and flying wood later, Tyler pulled himself out of this batch of rubble... in time to see Izzy raised Gwen's arm in victory.

"Challenger wins!"

* * *

The third challenge was a test of speed...

"Wait... why did I agree to doing this one?"

Cody asked Trent and Gwen that question out loud as he stood at the starting line with Tyler next to him.

"400 meters!" Tyler explained. "First one to cross the finish wins!"

"There's no way I can win this! And, before you say something, Tyler... my dodgeball abilities don't help me in a foot race."

Cody stood there, trying to figure out what to do... when Izzy stepped up and blew the whistle to start the race. Tyler took off at an incredible speed, leaving skid marks in the grass.

"No way!" Gwen exclaimed in disbelief.

"Cody, get going!" yelled Trent.

Trent pointed out to Gwen that Cody was still standing at the starting line, deep in thought.

"Do you have a death wish?" Gwen screamed at him.

"You have to at least try!" Trent cried out.

Izzy swayed her head from side to side, humming a ditty in her head as Cody suddenly sparked to life, raising a finger as if he had an idea.

"That's it!"

Cody took one step over the starting line, did a 90-degree turn to his left, and started walking. Izzy watched in amazement while Trent and Gwen waved their arms all about, pointing in the direction Tyler had sprinted off in.

"**WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**" the two of them yelled.

After taking ten steps, Cody smiled, made another 90-degree turn, and took one more step forward...

Over the finish line.

Followed by Tyler, who skidded to a stop next to Cody less than a second later.

"Challenger wins!" Izzy proclaimed, raising Cody's arms in triumph.

Trent and Gwen were befuddled by the declaration, while Tyler threw up his arms in disbelief.

"What? He didn't even run the course!"

"Let me explain," Cody cut in. "The only stipulation of your race was that the first to cross the finish wins. You never stated any rule about how one got there."

Izzy was rewinding a tape that had Tyler's declaration on it.

"Challenger's right," Izzy declared. "No rule against it."

"Cody's a genius!" rejoiced Gwen. "We win, we win!"

"That's right!" Trent exclaimed. "We won all three challenges, so we all get to live, Tyler!"

"Now, hold on a minute..." objected Tyler. "I'm not done with you!"

"Hey, buddy, the deal was that if we win, you let us go! You can't add anything after the fact!"

"Trust me... it's a proposal I think you'll like."

"Like what?" Cody raised an eyebrow, entertaining the thought.

"I want to join your adventure team! And I won't take no for an answer!"

"Deal!" Gwen quickly agreed.

"Huh?" Trent and Cody questioned.

"We could use someone with his athletic talents."

"Yes!" Tyler pumped his fist with excitement. "You won't regret this!"

He then eyed Gwen up and down.

"And maybe I do want to sleep with you after all..."

"**NOT IN THIS LIFETIME, BUB!**" Cody and Trent leaped forward in anger.

(And so our heroic trio became a quartet  
As the boys picked up an unwanted rival for Gwen's heart

Yeah... not in this lifetime, bub!)

***** To be continued... *****  
**[saying no to Tyler/Gwen shipping]**


	3. Warning! Incoming Game!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

So this week we move on and introduce two more characters, including a fan favorite in a compromising position! Read on to see what I mean, folks!

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

* * *

Trent, Cody, and Tyler were about to start a battle against a baby deer and a turtle. They had their weapons drawn, ready to begin.

(And now... Tips to Surviving an RPG... with Gwen!  
Chapter 3: Leveling Up)

Gwen appeared, observing the battle from the sidelines.

"To survive an RPG, you have to get stronger. To do that, you have to level up. And to do that, you have to get in battles and win them."

Trent raised his sword and charged at the deer. He swung down to slice the woodland creature in half... but it caught the sword in its antlers.

"When you're first starting off, you're way too weak to take on baddies like human-sized ogres and vampire bats..."

Cody threw his rubber ball at the deer's head, KO'ing it in one shot. Tyler was next, and he jumped on the head of the turtle... also beating it with one attack.

"So you have to start with cute little creatures and Mario Brothers rejects. Yes... we know it's cruelty to animals, but we seriously don't make these rules up."

Gwen looked over at her male travel partners, who rejoiced with glee.

"As you can see, you gain experience from winning battles. The more battles you win, the more experience points you earn. And that helps you level up and get stronger!"

Three more turtles and a giant black ball with legs appeared. A new battle started up, and Tyler led things off by jumping on the head of one of the turtles... a total of ninety-nine times, which left behind... well, not much. One of the remaining turtles took off his shell and threw it at Tyler in retaliation... but he dodged it.

"As I was about to say..." Gwen continued, "leveling up allows you to increase your stats, such as attack, defense, speed..."

After Trent and Cody had their shots and both did little damage, it was Tyler's turn again. He had retrieved the shell that had been thrown at him. He then drop-kicked it back to its owner... and, once again, he knocked his opponent out.

"It also allows you to learn new techniques. Ones that are hard to describe to you, but are only limited by the bounds of your imagination!"

Another round had passed, and Tyler reached down and picked a flower out of the ground. He then aimed it at the two remaining enemies... and fireballs started shooting out of it.

"Dude... really?" Trent gave Tyler an odd look.

The flower shot out six fireballs... one at the last turtle and the rest at the black ball. But the last one hit the white string on top of its head... or, rather its fuse, as it was actually a giant bomb!

"Of course," Gwen cringed nervously, "it helps if you know how to control those new techniques..."

"What do we do? What do we do?" Tyler and Trent screamed, both of them now running around in a panic.

"Got it!" Cody called out.

He took his ball and threw it at the bomb. It... bounced right off.

"Yeah," he deadpanned, "it had no effect."

At that moment, the fuse expired... and the bomb blew up! The explosion tore the guys apart, sending body parts and blood flying all over the place...

Actually, their bodies were intact. They just fell forward, landing face-down on the ground, having fainted. Suddenly, Gwen felt herself starting to black out.

"What?" she asked aloud as she tried to fight it. "I still have all of my hit points!"

(Oh, Gwen, I thought you were the expert!  
If the battle party dies, so does the entire party!

But don't worry, young heroine  
You'll be revived at the last place you saved the game!)

Gwen gasped. "We haven't covered save cubicles yet! That's Chapter 5! Who ordered this sequence any..."

Gwen didn't get to finish, as she finally succumbed to the darkness.

(Hmmm... you would think she'd actually like this  
She is a goth after all, right?  
Ahem... anyway, be sure to join us next time for  
Tips to Surviving an RPG... with Gwen!)

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Three - Warning! Incoming Game! (07.05.10)**  
**-**

(A week has passed since our heroes left Toronto  
And they're starting to get comfortable around each other...)

Our four heroes were walking through a forest. Trent and Gwen were leading the way as they walked side-by-side, while Cody sulked as he was 'partnered' with Tyler.

"While we were in the last village," Trent said to Gwen. "I saw something that would look perfect on you, and I just had to buy it!"

"What a coincidence!" Gwen smiled. "I saw something that would look perfect on you, and I bought it!"

They pulled out identical black-colored gift boxes.

"So..." they said in unison, "let's trade!"

* * *

One snap of the fingers later...

Trent had a look of embarrassment on his face as he looked down at the Team Edward shirt he was wearing. But that was nothing compared to the angry look on Gwen's face, as she now had on a Team Jacob shirt.

"I don't even know you anymore," she growled before stomping off.

"Dude," Cody tried to hold back a laugh as he walked past Trent, "this contest's no fun if you keep stabbing yourself in the foot."

"You guys are so lucky to have a girl to fight over," Tyler said as he caught up to Cody. "I wish I had a cutie that would give me gifts."

"You did just the other day! Remember our side quest to that ranch?"

* * *

_Flashback two days, where Sierra, who was wearing a faded red-and-white plaid shirt, a pair of ragged blue jeans, and a straw hat, was leading Tyler to one of the barns._

_"Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you've done!" she squealed happily._

_"All in a day's work," Tyler proudly proclaimed._

_"As a reward, I want to give you something big! Oh my God, it's big!"_

_She then pointed to a large wooden treasure chest._

_"Sweet!"_

_[Insert 'Legend of Zelda' opening treasure chest music]_  
_[You got the **HORSE**!]_

_Tyler was holding up a healthy, adult thoroughbred horse._

* * *

Back to the present, where Trent, now back in his elf-like outfit, had caught up to Cody and Tyler.

"Wait... if you got a horse... then where is it?" Trent asked.

Tyler sighed as he revealed the answer.

* * *

_Two hours after Tyler had gotten the horse, he was seen leaving a glue factory... with a small white container labeled paste._

* * *

"No one bothered to tell me glue and paste **WEREN'T** the same thing until **AFTER** they took my horse! I got jipped!"

While Trent and Cody looked at each other, wondering if Tyler actually grasped what he had done, they noticed ahead of them that Gwen, also minus her 'gift,' had come to a complete stop.

"Whoa..." she gasped.

The boys shared the same reaction when they saw what was in front of them. The entire path was completely covered with thorny vines.

"Now what?" Tyler asked out loud, to no one in particular.

"Stand back!" Trent exclaimed, pulling out his sword. "I'll cut through these vines!"

He then flashed a smile at Gwen, who frowned, then turned her head the other way.

"Man," Trent thought aloud. "This could take a few chapters to patch up."

Trent then went to work, cutting and chopping vines away and forging a trail. Cody and Tyler followed, and an unimpressed Gwen brought up the rear.

* * *

After an exhausting half hour of swinging his sword about, Trent finally found the other side of the vine wall. A clear path lied in front of them between the trees.

"Finally!" Trent said in relief, relaxing.

"And talk about good fortune," Tyler added, pointing to a sign.

The sign read 'Rest Area, Ahead on Right.' A smaller sign under it read 'Next Rest Area 40 Kilometers.'

Tyler bolted down the path in a mad rush.

"Someone's sure in a hurry," Cody said, stating the obvious.

* * *

By the time Trent and Cody had calmly walked to where the Rest Area was, they saw Tyler emerging for one of the site's three Porta-Johns.

"That's much better," he smiled.

"At least we're through those vines," Trent said to Cody.

But Cody wasn't standing next to Trent anymore. He was about 600 feet ahead, looking around the corner of an upcoming 80-degree left turn.

"Guys, you'd better come see this!"

Trent and Tyler ran over to see what Cody was looking at. It, unfortunately, was another huge thicket of thorny vines. Trent slumped down onto the ground in exhaustion.

"I thought we were done with this! I don't have any energy left to cut down another thousand vines!"

"It's 20 minutes walking distance to the next town," Tyler said, holding up a brown parchment that had a map of the local surroundings drawn on it. "We could backtrack to the last fork in the road, but that was two hours ago... and that other path also takes us another hour out of the way!"

Trent and Cody looked oddly at Tyler.

"Isn't there a limit of how many times you can look at me like that in a day?"

"Where did... you get that?" asked Cody.

"From the Porta-John!"

Trent and Cody cringed.

"What? I'm pretty sure this is drawn in pen!"

"Dude," Trent looked at Tyler, "that's just disgusting."

"Fine," surrendered Tyler, "I'll put it back."

As he walked back to the Rest Area, he passed Gwen, who had her nose buried deep in her spell book. But she looked up upon sensing Trent and Cody staring at her... and that's when she noticed the new obstacle in front of them.

"Great," she groaned.

"I'll get us through," Trent said, as he gasped for air. "I just need a few hours to rest..."

"**HELPPPPP!**"

The trio looked around them, hearing a cry for help.

"Was that Tyler?" asked Cody.

"No!" Gwen replied, pointing at the vines. "It's coming from in there!"

"Is someone out there?" the voice asked. "I've been stuck in here for three hours, and I want to eat something other than beetles!"

"All this grew around you in three hours?" questioned Cody.

"Uh... at least I think it's been three hours. It's still Thursday, right?"

"Um... today's Sunday."

"Great Gatsby's ghost! No wonder I feel like I'm about to die from starvation!"

"Don't worry... we'll find a way to get you out! Guys, any ideas?"

"Uh, Cody," Trent said, "I think Gwen's working on it."

Gwen had her spell book open and, after charging up, went down on her right knee and pressing her right palm against the ground.

"Urd!" Gwen shouted.

Instantly, the vines in the path started to part.

"Way to go, Gwen!" Cody exclaimed, giving her a thumbs up.

Suddenly, the skies turned really violet, and a square-shaped vortex began to form above our heroes. An ominous voice than began to ring out.

(**WARNING! INCOMING GAME!**  
**WARNING! INCOMING GAME!**)

The voice continued to repeat the message as a purple rectangle of energy fell from the sky at a lightning-fast speed, straight down. Trent and Cody started to run out of the landing zone, but then they stopped when they noticed that Gwen was still in the midst of casting her spell... evident by the vines ahead still retracting into the trees.

(**WARNING! INCOMING GAME!**)

The two boys ran back and each grabbed one of Gwen's arms. They kept pulling, but they couldn't pull her out of spell-casting mode.

But at that point, it was too late. The energy rectangle enveloped them, and their forms disappeared.

All that was left was a 75-foot high pulsating purple quadrilateral where the forest path had been.

* * *

Gwen slowly opened her eyes, awakening to the sight of Trent and Cody breathing sighs of relief.

"Wha... what happened?" Gwen asked as they pulled her up to a sitting position.

"We're still trying to figure that out," answered Trent.

"I wasn't asking you!" growled Gwen, as she pulled her arm away from Trent.

Gwen then noticed that she was now wearing a blue one-piece robe, as were Trent and Cody... and a dozen small men, who were standing at attention in front of them, in a military formation.

Suddenly, a small video bubble appeared before them to explain. Harold appeared on it, dressed in a similarly-designed red robe.

"Greetings, mortals!" he smiled wickedly. "It's time to face your doom! Mwa ha ha!"

"Who are you?" Gwen asked.

"Why, my dear, I am the great Harold! And I have come to challenge you to a friendly game... to the death!"

One of the little men produced a scroll, which he handed to Cody. He unfurled it and read it aloud to Trent and Gwen.

"The game is called 'Husky Princess.' The objective is to rescue your kidnapped princess and bring her back to your castle, while keeping the opposing team from rescuing their princess, whom we have in custody."

"Sounds simple enough," noted Trent, before grabbing Gwen's hand.

"Um... what are you doing?"

"Rescuing the fair princess, my lady!"

Gwen glared at Trent as she pulled her hand away again.

"But shouldn't we have to get her from the other castle first?" Cody thought out loud. "If Gwen's not our princess, then who is?"

"**HELPPPPP!**"

Gwen gasped. "It's the voice from the vines!"

Harold pulled back the camera and revealed our heroes' princess... Owen in a blue princess' gown.

No words could describe the looks on Trent, Gwen, and Cody's faces.

He was being held down by four of Harold's own little men, while a line-up was beginning with several other soldiers, each holding a plate of three hot dogs.

Which one at a time, they began stuffing into Owen's mouth.

"This feels so wrong!" Owen cried after the first plate, before calming into a drunken stupor, "and yet it tastes so right!"

"Good luck, losers!" Harold exclaimed.

Once Harold signed-off, the heroes' team of little men scrambled all over the castle. They were all headed to an assortment of five machines, each of which spat out a hat that gave them powers. The men started to change into Workers, Warriors, Mages, Priests, and Rangers.

Once all their hats were on, all but two of them ran out of the castle to do their jobs.

"We could use a tutorial right about now," wished Gwen.

"No need," Cody assured her. "I think I got it!"

He went to one of the machines to get a hat. He put it on and instantly transformed into a Ranger, complete with crossbow.

"See?"

Understanding, Trent and Gwen did the same. Trent became a Warrior, while Gwen a Mage.

"Cody and I will go save the princess," Trent said to Gwen. "You stay here and help guard the castle and their princess!"

Gwen heard Trent's order, but refused to acknowledge it.

"I'll take that as a yes?"

"Worry about making up later," Cody told Trent. "We've got a princess to save! Or... prince! Whatever we're supposed to call him!"

With that, the two guys left. As soon as they departed, some of the little men started coming back with plates of hot dogs.

"I wonder what the princess we're holding in our dungeon looks like," Gwen thought out loud.

She followed the men to a nearby railing, which peered over the dungeon. There, she saw the men handing the plates to Izzy, in a red princess' gown. And she was gobbling them down as fast as Owen was.

"She's doing it **WILLINGLY**?" Gwen shouted. "And how is Izzy being his princess even fair?"

"Gwen!" Izzy waved at her between plates. "You want one?"

Gwen faked a smile as she generously waved off Izzy's offer.

"Suit yourself!"

Izzy then resumed stuffing her face, as more plates of hot dogs were brought her way.

* * *

Meanwhile, Trent, Cody, and a small platoon had taken up a staging position just a few feet away from the entrance into Harold's castle. Including themselves, there were three Warriors, two Rangers, a Mage, and two Priests.

"Cody, can you and the others provide cover fire?"

"No problem! Crossbows are more dignified weapons than dodgeballs!"

"Good. Let's move out!"

With that, Trent charged in with the other Warriors and one of the Priests. Two enemy Rangers fired from atop the castle wall, while a lone enemy Warrior charged from the front door. A couple of the members of the heroes' team took a hit, but they were able to kill all of the enemy easily.

They then headed into the castle, where only two Workers, each holding a plate of hot dogs, were standing just outside Owen's cage. They dropped their plates and pulled out their axes to defend themselves, but they were no match for Trent's troop.

With the enemy taken care of, Cody's troop joined Trent's in the dungeon.

"My heroes!" Owen said, flirtatiously winking at Trent.

"Uh... yeah..."

The six little men gathered all around Owen and used a team effort to lift Owen off of the floor. But they were all visibly struggling as, one step at a time, they tried to carry them out of the castle.

"Can't you guys move any faster?" Trent asked.

"Something's bugging me," Cody thought out loud. "Including you, me, and Gwen, there were 15 people on our team. We ran into one on the way here, and there were five here. Assuming equal teams, that means..."

"Gwen's gonna have a lot of trouble on her hands!"

* * *

Gwen indeed did, as she and the rest of her team was under assault by Harold and his forces. Some of the Workers who had been gathering hot dogs ran to the machines to change hats and become Warriors. But it was Gwen, as well as a Ranger and another Mage doing most of the defending.

"Take that!" Gwen yelled, shooting fire at an enemy Warrior. "Invade my castle, will you? **NOT ON MY WATCH!**"

With the help of the extra Warriors, the battle was turning into a stalemate, as the two teams traded kills. Eventually, it looked like Gwen was the last one standing...

Until she turned around and walked right into Harold's extended sword.

"I win!" Harold smiled wickedly.

Gwen's face went white as she started to fell backwards. Harold pulled his sword back and sheathed it before turning around himself and heading towards the dungeon.

"If my plan has worked just as planned," he said aloud, "I'll grab Princess Izzy and be out of here before her friends get back."

Harold then gasped in shock when he walked up to the cage... and found that she was the size of a blimp!

"Hey, Harold!" Izzy waved, her right hand and her mouth the only parts of her body that she could move. "Oh, and look out."

"What do you mean look out..."

Without warning, Harold found himself completely engulfed in fire! He turned his head, and gasped in shock when he saw Gwen standing behind him, still alive. She was grimacing in pain as she held her left hand over the place where Harold's sword had gone into her.

"I'll get you next time, my pretty!" Harold declared, before his body turned to ash.

Once Harold's body had disintegrated, Gwen fell back to the floor. She laid on her side, still clutching her side.

Suddenly, Trent ran into the dungeon, and seeing Gwen's fallen body, ran to her side.

"Gwen, Gwen!" he cried out.

Gwen looked up at Trent, but she was too weak to respond.

"I'm sorry," Trent apologized, as tears started to flow from his eyes. "I should've known you were on Team Edward!"

"Oh, stop crying!" Izzy shouted from her cell. "She'll be fine."

"How?" Trent asked, looking at Izzy. "With a hole in her stomach?"

"Oh... give it about five seconds..."

* * *

Up in the throne room, the six little men doubled over with fatigue after carrying Owen all the way back and getting him into the throne.

"Thanks!" Owen said to Cody, the only person of the group still standing. "So... you got anything to eat around here?"

Suddenly, the ominous voice rang out again.

(**GAME OVER!**)

* * *

The purple rectangle of energy suddenly shot back into the sky and disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Once gone, the skies returned to normal, as did the forest where it had came to rest.

Only with all the vines that had covered the path nowhere to be seen.

As for Gwen, she sat up with her back cradled in Trent's right arm. And she was completely unharmed!

"How the f..." she nearly cursed out loud.

She reached down for where the sword had penetrated her skin, but she couldn't feel evidence of a wound anywhere.

"Gwen!" Trent shouted. "You're alright!"

Gwen smiled and then wrapped her arms around Trent, giving him a hug.

"Does that mean..."

"Yes. I forgive you."

As Gwen kept her arms around Trent for about a minute, Cody sighed from afar.

"I guess Trent's finally on the board."

He looked over to his right to see Owen, now dressed in a brown shirt and pants... and reaching into an open bag of potato chips.

"When did you..."

"Rest area."

"Okay... new question then. Did that 'game' have anything to do with RPGs?"

Owen shrugged his shoulders, as he didn't know the answer. Tyler then walked up, apparently oblivious to what had just transpired.

"The path is clear? Cool... wait, is that... you guys didn't have to get me a new horse!"

Tyler smiled at Owen, and he looked confusedly at Cody.

"Just go with it. And... hope we don't come across a glue factory."

***** To be continued... *****  
**[fun fact: horse glue not the same as regular glue!]**


	4. We're Not Japanese!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

I apologize in advance if this chapter isn't as funny as the first three. When I originally wrote it, Chapter 4 turned out way too long. In fact, I wrote enough material to fill out almost two chapters! Sadly, a lot of it had to be cut because I couldn't dedicate that much space for a fic that's only 13 installments long. I still think this edited-down chapter does move the story along without any plot details getting left out. Too bad a lot of the jokes had to be cut, though.

Do you guys wanna see the uncut version? Let me know, and maybe I might make it available to the public...

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me. The songs used in this chapter are property of their respective owners.

Warning: This chapter contains suggestive content that may not be suitable for children. Reader discretion is advised.

* * *

(I feel like you guys aren't enjoying this story yet  
So, let's change things up a bit!  
We'll start this chapter off with the bad guys  
And we'll introduce a fan-favorite for good measure, too!)

Harold was limping through the paved streets of a nearby town, when he spotted a phone booth. He made his way over to it and closed the door behind him. He looked at the phone, which wasn't any ordinary pay phone like the old days, but actually had a video screen attached to it. He then sang the phone number he wanted it to dial.

"8-6-7-5-3-0-9!"

Harold heard the phone on the other end ring twice before someone picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Jenny, I got your number!" Harold sang. "I need to make you mine!"

"Dream on, Harold! And, I swear to God, I'm changing this number after I hang up!"

Suddenly, a face appeared on the screen to match the voice. It was Courtney, and by her angry expression, Harold could tell her phone number was only the tip of things she wanted to yell at him for.

"Where have you been?" she asked. "The king is very mad at you for failing to kill those adventurers from Toronto!"

"You know, Courtney, he never really explained why he wants them dead..."

"You **DARE** question the king?"

Harold raced to take back his statement. "Of, of course not!"

"You should be lucky he's decided to spare your life! If it were my call, you'd be dead already!"

Harold gasped. "You mean..."

"Harold... you're fired!"

* * *

Courtney hung up on Harold, then spun around in her swivel chair a full 180 degrees before standing up. Which she nearly failed at, given the tightness of the all-black catsuit she was wearing, which left little to the imagination... and allowed very little circulation to get to her legs.

"Justin!"

Justin ran into the room, wearing nothing but a pair of jean shorts. He flashed his sexy smile in Courtney's direction.

"You called, mistress?"

Courtney was struggling to stand up, as both her hands were bent behind her, pushing up on her chair. But just as it seemed as if she was making progress, the chair tipped forward, and she went down.

"Uh... mistress?"

"Get me something more comfortable to wear!" she shouted, pointing upwards from the ground. "And then... go kill those dweebs from Toronto!"

Justin nodded, then ran off. Courtney growled after realizing that he had forgotten something.

"**HEY!** Help me up first, you nincompoop!"

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Four - We're Not Japanese! (07.12.10)**  
**-**

(Now back to your regularly scheduled program, and...)

The heroic party, which now had five members, was walking along a dirt path. But one person didn't seem to be happy with the team make-up at its current state, and that was Gwen.

She was growling angrily under her breath, and it was getting louder by the second.

(Whoa! What's up with Gwen today?  
Heh... must be that time of the month.)  
[Insert sound of narrator being slapped across the face.]

Gwen was walking in the middle of the group. To either side of her were Trent and Cody, who after last chapter, looked as if they were stepping up their efforts to woo Gwen. Trent was busy composing a song to sing to her, of which she could hear him trying to sound out each painstakingly constructed note. As for Cody, he kept asking her if she wanted to go out on a date... over and over and over.

Meanwhile, behind her, Tyler kept going on and on about his perfect dream girl. She had heard his wish list about ten times in the past hour alone. Had to like him for being an athlete, had to have blond hair and blue eyes, and... the worst part? She had to have big boobs. Big boobs! She swore, if she heard those words one more time today...

As for Owen, who was leading the way, all he did was eat, eat, eat. Potato chips, cookies, ice cream sandwiches... you name the junk food, he had probably devoured it that day. And whatever was lucky enough to not make into his mouth, fell on the ground, where Gwen was 'lucky enough' to step into the leftovers a few times. Not to mention that she was on the receiving end of a pair of Owen's unpredictable farts.

At this rate, not only was Gwen close to snapping, she was contemplating whether to change the title of this story to 'Four Homicides and a Suicide.'

But maybe the cool breeze blowing into the group would calm her down, as they stepped off the dirt path and onto a beautiful sandy beach.

"Ohhhh, Gwennnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" Trent, Cody, and Tyler said in unison.

Or maybe not...

"**AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!**"

Everything and everyone in a 30-foot radius went flying in every real direction one could think of... as well as maybe an imaginary one or two. Owen turned around and saw Trent, Cody, and Tyler stuck together in a twisted pile of arms and legs that made them resemble a giant tumbleweed. And on the other side of them was an extremely angry Gwen.

"**I AM TIRED OF THIS! SICK AND TIRED OF IT! I'M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT TYLER'S PERFECT GIRL! I'M TIRED OF OWEN PASSING GAS! I'M TIRED OF WATCHING TRENT AND CODY FIGHT FOR MY AFFECTIONS! AND NOW THIS?**"

The guys untangled themselves and worked fast to try and get Gwen calmed down again.

"I can't believe I'm saying this... **BUT I'M TIRED OF BEING SURROUNDED BY GUYS ALL DAY! I WANT A GIRL IN OUR PARTY, AND I WANT ONE NOW!**"

Tyler stuck his pinky finger in his ear, as if to check for eardrum damage.

"Okay, okay, we get it! Sheesh... it must be that time of month."

Tyler's comment was greeted... with a dodgeball right in the jaw! Cody shook in fear as Gwen had grabbed his weapon and used it against Tyler in her fit of rage. As Tyler fell backwards onto the sand, Gwen stomped past him, heading up the coast.

"Gwen, wait!" Owen called out, running over to her.

Gwen turned around and glared at Owen. He nearly jumped back out of his pants in fright, but he managed to regain his composure quickly.

"If it makes you feel any better... I saw a boathouse a little ways up. Maybe there's a girl up there we can try to invite?"

Gwen took a minute to think about it, and then she gave her reply... this time, without yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Fine."

Trent and Cody breathed a sigh of relief.

"But if there's a guy in there... **SOMEONE HERE'S GOING TO DIE!**"

"Not... me... please..." gasped Tyler from the sand.

* * *

After the gang had gathered their things, and Tyler found the two teeth that he had lost, the quintet made their way to the boathouse. They arrived at the dock leading out of it, and peered inside. Only one boat was inside, and it was being worked on with a welding torch by someone wearing a helmet and a dark blue jumpsuit.

Not looking forward to dying, the four boys rushed inside. As they did, they heard an unfamiliar-to-them 1960s classic playing over the loudspeaker.

(I get around  
Get around round round I get around  
From town to town  
Get around round round I get around)

They made their way over to the welder, who had come out from the boat's underside. The welder's back was turned to the guys, as the worker was trying to figure out why the torch was starting to misfire. Seeing this as his chance, Tyler stepped toward the guy, while Trent, Cody, and Owen took shelter behind a stack of crates.

"How 'bout them Maple Leafs?" Tyler asked the welder, before delivering a hard smack to the butt.

"Eep!" the welder screamed, dropping the unlit torch as a result.

Tyler froze upon hearing the welder's reaction.

"Um... eep?"

The welder reached for the biggest object within arm's reach... and it happened to be a surfboard. The welder took it and swung, sending Tyler flying out of the boathouse and into the water. The welder put the surfboard back where it had been before. Then, the guy reached up to take the helmet off.

Only there wasn't a guy underneath... it was Bridgette.

"Woo hoo!" Owen cheered, revealing his hiding spot behind a crate. "It's a girl! We're gonna live!"

Trent and Cody stuck their heads out to see, as if Owen's cheers were too good to be true. But what should've been joy quickly turned into fear as Bridgette picked her blow torch up and got it to ignite... and she started walking towards them with it.

"**I... HAVE... A BOYFRIEND!**"

Frozen in fear, the three guys saw their lives flashing before their eyes. That is, until Gwen ran in, arms flailing in the air.

"Stop!" Gwen shouted.

That one word was enough to get Bridgette to stop her approach. But not quite enough for her to turn off her gas-powered weapon.

"It's okay," Gwen said, stepping in between Bridgette and the guys. "These guys are with me. All four of them."

"Really?" Bridgette looked at Gwen in disbelief. "All four?"

"Sadly... yes."

* * *

A few minutes later, all six of them were sitting on crates in the boathouse, enjoying some ice cold canned lemonade. Bridgette had put the blow torch away and was listening to Gwen tell her how this situation all came about.

"I see," Bridgette nodded at the end. "I'd probably go crazy too."

"Yeah," Gwen laughed it off. "I feel so much better now that I'm talking to a girl for the first time in... what feels like forever!"

"If you don't mind me asking," Cody gulped, "what's with the attacking and the 'I have a boyfriend' bit?"

Bridgette suddenly became sad, nearly shedding a tear. Cody and the other guys coiled back in fear, expecting her to get angry again. But instead, she just simply answered the question.

"Geoff and I have been together for over a year now. Last month, he proposed to me! Then the next day, he left on a trip across the ocean. He had a meeting with a potential sponsor. The trip was supposed to take four days, at most! But he never came back..."

Bridgette was now sniffling, as Gwen slid over to her side to comfort her.

"Nobody knows where he is, and I'm worried I'll never see him again!"

"I have an idea!" suggested Owen. "Why don't you come with us? We can help you search for your boyfriend!"

"That's a great idea!" exclaimed Gwen.

"I dunno," hesitated Bridgette.

"You've never been out to search for him yourself, right?" asked Trent.

"Yes. I'm afraid he'll come home one day, and I won't be around to welcome him back."

"No offense," Gwen said to Bridgette, "but if he could come home, he would have already! Something's happened, and the only way you're going to find out is to go out there yourself and find the truth!"

Bridgette took Gwen's words to heart, and came to a decision.

"Alright, I'm in!"

The gang rejoiced, particularly all the boys. Bridgette walked over to her toolbox and pulled out a pen and a notepad. She then handed Cody a piece of paper that had a list of parts on it.

"The fastest way to search the waters is with this boat!" Bridgette exclaimed, pointing to the object behind her. "It can fit all six of us, if I can get it up and running. I want you boys to run into town and get me all the parts I need."

Trent nodded, then led the four boys out of the boathouse. Once they were gone, Bridgette turned to Gwen, who was a little befuddled about being left out of the shopping trip.

"So Gwen... ever surf before?"

* * *

Bridgette, dressed in a light blue wetsuit, made her way over to Gwen after a brief demo session, who had borrowed one of the surfer's boards. Gwen was just sitting on top, straddling the board, as she wore a two-piece black and green bikini. Bridgette then reached out and grabbed Gwen's hand.

"Did you come out here to just sit and look pretty, or do you want to learn how to surf?"

"But I told you, I don't know how!"

Suddenly, the shadows began to cover the girls in darkness as something began to block out the sun.

"Um... Gwen?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember when I told you that I didn't come out to sea to search for Geoff because I was afraid he'd come home and not find me there?"

"Well... yeah?"

"I wasn't exactly telling the truth."

Bridgette pointed at the thing that was blocking the sun. Gwen turned around to see what her new friend was referring to, and after looking at it, she wished she hadn't.

It was a mutant octopus. One with well more than the standard eight tentacles. And they all seemed to be wriggling around with anticipation upon spotting Gwen and Bridgette.

"We're not Japanese!" screamed Gwen as one of the tentacles shot out, wrapped itself around her waist, and pulled her up into the air.

"Is it too late to back off on my offer to join the team?" asked Bridgette. "'Cause I can always find another boyfriend..."

Another tentacle reached out and wrapped itself around Bridgette's left leg. It then pulled her up into the air, leaving her hanging upside down.

"Did I mention that I'm pro-sea?"

Two more tentacles from the octopus flew in Bridgette's direction. One of them wrapped around her other leg, while the second wrapped around her stomach. It wasn't long before Bridgette had one around each of her limbs plus her chest and stomach, and Gwen had two that had pinned her legs together in additional to the initial one around her waist.

"Why are they going after me?" Bridgette asked aloud. "You're the one wearing almost nothing!"

"I'm not gonna sit around and wait for this to happen!" yelled Gwen.

She pointed her right palm down towards the ocean and started to gather energy to cast a spell.

"Air!" Gwen shouted, sweeping her arm upward.

A tall column of water shot out of the ocean. Gwen moved her arm in the direction of the octopus, and the column followed, smacking it straight in the eyes.

"Ah!" the octopus cried out in a familiar voice. "Salt water stings!"

"How is that air if it was made up of water?" queried a confused Bridgette.

"Not now!" answered Gwen, looking at the octopus. "whose side are you on anyway... Izzy?"

Izzy, the mutant octopus, replied, "It depends on which side I'm having more fun with at any given moment."

Noticing she was holding Bridgette upside down, she turned her right-side up after noticing she was beginning to get nauseated.

"Izzy!" Gwen called out. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because one out of every four fans wants to see this happen!"

"Well, sorry to disappoint my fans... but I'm ending this fairy tale!"

Gwen held up her left palm in front of her, with her fingers curled towards the sky. A ball of energy started to form there.

"Denied!"

Izzy pulled Gwen down into the ocean, cutting off her attack. After a few seconds, she pulled her back out. Water dripped down from her hair and onto her body and Izzy's tentacles.

* * *

As the girls' struggles continued, the boys had returned from their shopping trip, but got nervous when the girls weren't there to greet them. They started to turn the inside of the boathouse upside down. But Owen had the right idea when he looked out from the boathouse.

"Uh, guys," Owen shouted. "I think I know where the girls are."

* * *

"Bridgette!" Gwen shouted. "I need your help!"

"What should I do?"

"You need to distract her! But that's going to require you breaking free!"

"But that means... I can't! I told you I'm pro-sea!"

"So you must like **GETTING PROBED**!"

* * *

Trent, Cody, Tyler, and Owen ran out to the beach, where they could peer out into the ocean. There, they saw that Gwen and Bridgette were in the clutches of a mutant octopus.

"The girls are in trouble!" screamed Owen. "We have to save them!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Bridgette had made her decision.

"I don't care if this act casts me out of all of the 'friends of sea life' clubs in the world! I have a boyfriend! And I'm gonna save myself for him and him alone!"

She then pulled her left arm close enough for her to reach out and take a bite out of the tentacle wrapped around it. Upon doing so, the appendage evaporated into thin air. Before Izzy could react, she did the same with her right arm.

"Ow! Hey, cut that out... it tickles!"

As Bridgette worked to get free, Izzy started sending a mass amount of tentacles her way. Seizing the opportunity, Gwen held her palm out and started to charge up magic energy again. This time, it worked, and fire rose up from her hand.

She quickly aimed it downward at the tentacle around her chest, and made it disappear instantly. But before she could get rid of the rest...

"Not so fast, Gwen!"

Izzy pulled Gwen down under the ocean surface again, extinguishing the flame. Meanwhile, Bridgette's entire body was now covered with tentacles, and for her, there seemed to be no escape.

Until Bridgette blasted out in an explosion of yellow light, eradicating the whole lot of slimy arms before settling into a protective defensive shield. But with nothing to hold her up in the air, she fell straight into the ocean.

"What the heck was that?" Izzy asked, as she scanned the water for Bridgette. "You're not supposed to be able to do that!"

As Izzy searched with the few free tentacles she had left, the ones restraining Gwen pulled her out of the water. Gwen emerged coughing water and feeling very drained.

"I can't take much more of this," Gwen gasped. "If she pulls me down again..."

She held up her palm as if she was thinking of attempting her fire magic spell one more time.

"Only have enough energy for one more shot... gonna have to make it count!"

But Izzy was already sensing Gwen's desperation attempt, and was gathering all of her arms for one final blow.

"Incoming!"

Izzy and Gwen turned their attention to the east and saw Bridgette heading their way. But, to their surprise, she wasn't alone...

"I know you wanted me to be the distraction..."

In fact, she was surfing on the back of a school of dolphins.

"But I wanted my own crowning moment of awesome!"

The dolphins started leaping out of the water in pairs, ramming their cute bodies into Izzy's tentacles two-by-two. But since the arms disintegrated upon being damaged, the dolphins were attacking without causing any harm to themselves. Before Izzy could mount a defense, all but the one tentacle around Gwen's waist had been destroyed.

Bridgette then pulled a jewel-encrusted wand, with a pearl on top, out of nowhere, and aimed it at Izzy. The pearl started to glow a mix of colors, as an energy beam generated a portal that began to suck Izzy in.

"Maybe you'll be more of a challenge," Bridgette quipped, "**IN THE NEXT DIMENSION!**"

"I prefer the term Shadow Realmmmmmmmmmmm..."

With that, Izzy disappeared into the portal. Bridgette smiled as she struck a pose, winking at the readers and holding up two fingers in a victory sign as a rainbow appeared in the background and the dolphins pointed their fins at her.

"Now that's what I call... hanging ten!"

The dolphins expressed their approval, applauding with their fins. Suddenly, Gwen floated up to the spectacle, sitting down on some kind of brown platform.

"I don't mind you stealing the spotlight," Gwen remarked, "but did you have to cheese it up, too?"

Bridgette jumped off of the lead dolphin, doing a double forward somersault before landing feet-first in front of Gwen. Once safely on board, the dolphins swam away.

"I thought the term was 'ham it up?'"

"Mmmm..." a voice from underneath them gurgled. "Ham and cheese..."

"Is that Owen?"

Bridgette than looked down and noticed that she and Gwen were riding on Owen's stomach! And he was the size of a whale's back!

"How..."

"Apparently," Gwen explained, "Owen neglected to tell us that he has the ability to float in water."

"The downside is..." added Owen, "I can only hold this form for 15 minutes."

With that, the girls paddled Owen back to the beach.

* * *

Back at the boathouse later that night, lanterns illuminate the dock as Gwen had a serious query regarding the boys after their harrowing battle in the ocean.

"If Owen came to help us, then where were you guys when we were being attacked? Huh?"

Trent, Cody, and Tyler twiddled their thumbs, not wanting to tell Gwen the truth. She then glared at Owen, whom she thought probably knew where they were, but she didn't think he would rat them out.

Ironically, they were saved by Bridgette, who walked out of the boathouse with splotches of oil and grease all over her jumpsuit.

"It may take an all-nighter, but the boat should be up and running by morning!"

"That's great!" Trent exclaimed.

"And then it's off to find your boyfriend!" Cody proclaimed.

(And so, with Bridgette now on board  
The heroes have ballooned to an even half-dozen!  
Plus, there's now two girls in the group!  
Maybe that'll make this easier to write!)

* * *

Many miles down the beach, Justin was seen packing up his beach gear when he suddenly heard his cell phone ringing.

"Hello," he said in his sexiest voice. "Justin speaking!"

"Have you been lounging on the beach all day?" Courtney yelled from the other end. "You're fired!"

Courtney then hung up. Justin shrugged his shoulders, pocketed his phone, picked up his stuff, and walked off.

"Well, at least I still have my modeling career..."

***** To be continued... *****  
**[soundtrack courtesy of tommy tutone and the beach boys]**


	5. Boo! Go Back to the Fighting!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

This week, the search for Geoff begins. Where could he be? Read on to find out!

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me. The songs used in this chapter are property of their respective owners.

* * *

Courtney was sitting in her chamber, dressed in a more breathable outfit that consisted of a sleek all-black gown that still managed to show off her figure, especially thanks to the presence of a plunging neckline, and was accented by a fur collar. She swiveled her chair around and leaned forward, resting her chin on the back of her right wrist. She opened a compartment on the left armrest and pulled out a small remote that had two buttons on it: a green one and a red one.

Pressing the green one, a slot machine emerged from the wall. Once it was completely out, the reels began to spin.

"Maybe instead of picking one of my minions this time," Courtney said aloud, "I will let the slot machine select one at random! That way, no one can predict what will happen, and that will lead those do-gooders to their doom!"

(Okay, readers at home! Narrator here!  
Get ready to place your bets!  
Who do you think the slot machine will pick?

Is it:  
A - DJ  
B - Geoff  
C - Courtney herself  
D - $1,000,000  
E - A seemingly innocent swirly mound of pinkness that looks cute until you realize its foul, smelly, real-life counterpart)

Courtney pushed the red button to stop the reels from spinning. She watched with anticipation as they came to rest on...

The cartoonish Japanese representation... of poop.

"Son of a..."

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Five - Boo! Go Back to the Fighting! (07.19.10)**  
**-**

Morning had arrived, and the heroes of the story, who now numbered six, were making final preparations to sail across the ocean. The last of the supplies were being secured, and all the gang was waiting for was Bridgette to appear so they could cast off.

(The seas are calm on this sunny morning  
And the gang is about to begin a new chapter  
So, before things get any more complicated,  
Gang, remind us why you are all on this adventure!)

"I'm searching for my parents," Trent stated, "who abandoned me shortly after birth. I want to know if there's a reason why they couldn't raise me like normal parents are supposed to."

"I'm here because I'm helping my best friend," Cody shouted.

"No, it's because the day before we left, you walked into town, tripped, banged your head against a boulder, and lost all your memories!"

Cody chuckled. "I thought we agreed we weren't gonna make up stories about my past, best friend since childhood!"

"I'm here because my father won't let me come home until I'm married with children," grumbled Gwen.

"I'm trying to find my dream girl!" Tyler exclaimed. "You know, blond hair, blue eyes, big boo..."

"Boots!" Owen shouted, pulling a pair of ratskin boots out of his backpack. "I've been looking for these all day! Oh, and this too..."

He also pulled out a half-full jar of peanut butter.

"All we're missing now is Bridgette," noted Gwen.

"Where is our captain?" Cody asked, scratching his head.

"Oh, I'm more than just a captain..."

Bridgette climbed aboard, dressed in a Hawaiian-style short sleeve shirt that had been cropped up at the bottom to show off her belly button, knee-length shorts, and a Navy officer's hat.

"From now on," she said, posing with one hand on her hip and the other on the tip of her hat's lid, "you may address me as Admiral Bridgette, Her Hotness!"

"No way!" Tyler disagreed. "Such a title is reserved for girls that are a ten out of ten! You are clearly a six at best!"

Tyler's assessment was greeted with Bridgette throwing her fully-loaded toolbox at him, hitting him in the nuts. He was dropped instantly, groaning in pain.

"Six? Well, you're a two!"

"No fair underestimating others' beauty!" Tyler groaned from the ground. "Unless I'm doing it!"

Bridgette walked over to the steering wheel, placed the key into the ignition, and started it up. Cody placed a map he had bought in town yesterday on the dashboard for everyone to see.

"Okay, so... according to the guy I talked to, the island that Geoff was heading to can be reached, assuming a maximum of 12 hours of travel at 30 kilometers an hour, in... 6.33 hours!"

"Then what are we waiting for!" Gwen shouted. "Let's go find Bridge's boyfriend!"

With that, Bridgette shifted the boat into drive, and they were off!

* * *

A couple hours into the sea excursion, Cody was helping Owen assemble a fishing pole while Gwen observed, Tyler was on the deck napping, and Trent was looking through Bridgette's cassette tape collection as she continued to steer. She also happened to be singing along to the song that could be heard from the boat's radio.

"A lotta guys try to catch her, but she leads them on a wild goose chase now! And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her daddy takes her T-bird away!"

"Wow," Trent noted, "you must like the Beach Boys!"

"Aren't they just the greatest? **EEEEEE!** Little Deuce Coupe, Surfer Girl, Good Vibrations, I Get Around... it's like the soundtrack to my life!"

Trent raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Are you **SURE** you're only 16?"

Bridgette laughed. "Oh, you won't believe how many times I'm asked that."

"A million!" guessed Tyler, having been woken up by the conversation.

Bridgette turned around and kicked Tyler in the shoulder.

"Hey! How come you hit me and not him?"

"Because Trent doesn't go around grabbing girls in inappropriate places!"

Trent ejected the cassette from Bridgette's radio, and prepared to put in one labeled 'Seafront Shirleys.'

"Well, at least this sounds a little more modern."

"Actually, uh, that's..."

(All over Vancouver  
And down Sunset Isle  
Everybody's gone surfin'  
Surfin' Canada!)

Trent looked oddly at Bridgette, as he could pick up her voice among those singing on the tape.

"Me and my friends' cover band. Just think of it as the Beach Boys as if they were from Canada instead of California. And... weren't boys."

Meanwhile, Owen's fishing pole had finished being put together, and he wanted to put it to immediate use.

"Wait... how can you fish if we're moving?" asked Gwen.

But Owen ignored her as he cast his line out... and instantly felt a tug on the other end.

"Whoa momma!" he shouted. "Even I didn't expect that!"

Cody and Gwen watched as Owen pulled out not just one fish, but two, with the second biting on the tail of the first.

(Battle start!)

CODY's IMPRESSIVE GRIN lets him attack first!  
CODY uses DODGEBALL!  
It missed!  
GWEN casts FIRE!  
FISH transforms into LUNCH!  
OWEN eats LUNCH!  
OWEN has been poisoned!  
FISH runs away!  
CODY and GWEN earn 25 experience points!  
OWEN loses LUNCH!

(Battle end!)

Cody patted Owen on the back as he puked over the side of the boat.

"I guess I didn't cook it well enough," Gwen admitted, apologetically.

Suddenly, the seas began to get choppy, and the gang found themselves in the midst of a violent storm. Trent reached for the map Cody had bought and quickly deduced that their current location was marked on the parchment with the sign for a hurricane.

"How did we not see this coming?" Trent asked to no one in particular.

"And we've only been out here for three hours!" Tyler confirmed, checking his watch.

"You better not start singing the theme song to 'Gilligan's Isle,'" warned Gwen, looking at Bridgette.

"Hey! Just because I like a lot of classical things doesn't mean I'll burst into song, even in life-threatening sit..."

* * *

The next thing Bridgette knew, she was brought back to the waking world after having a mug of water splashed on her face. She sat up and saw Cody kneeling next to her, with said mug in hand.

"What happened? Don't tell me someone knocked me out because I did start singing the theme to..."

"Uh, actually, the mast broke, fell forward, and knocked you out. Then the whole boat capsized and... well, here we are!"

"Where... where is here?"

Cody shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno. I was planning to ask him."

He pointed a few feet down the beach, where a guy in a park ranger outfit was pushing up and down on Owen's stomach.

"C'mon, man!" he yelled. "I don't wanna have to do mouth-to-mouth!"

Finally, after the 8th push down, Owen woke up, coughing up water as he came to.

"Remind me never to cook fish with magic," Owen said aloud.

Cody and Bridgette ran over to join their friend.

"That's a relief!" Cody smiled. "Now we have to find Gwen!"

"And Trent!" added Bridgette.

"And Tyler!" tacked on Owen.

Cody and Bridgette looked at Owen as if he was crazy.

"Hey! Someone in our party has to like him!"

"You're the only three I found here," the ranger told them. "And it's too dangerous to search for them. I'll explain back at my cabin. Follow me."

The three followed him off the beach and into the jungle that made up 90 percent of the island. As trees began to surround them, they passed a black-and-white octagonal sign, with white letters spelling out the word DHARMA inside a black circle.

"Cool," Cody observed, "we must be in Hawaii."

* * *

After some walking, Cody, Owen, and Bridgette found themselves inside a log cabin that had been designated as 'The Ranger Station'. Cody was now dressed in a Playboy bunny outfit, Bridgette in a spare ranger's uniform, and Owen had a huge blanket wrapped around him.

"Sorry, guys," the ranger apologized, "but I only had one spare uniform on me... and the big guy wouldn't fit in it."

Owen chuckled. "This blanket's all warm and fuzzy."

"So how did I get stuck with this?" Cody shouted, showing off his outfit.

"I'm sorry," Bridgette said to him, "but I don't subject myself to objectification."

"That's good for you, **BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?**"

"Your clothes will be dry soon," the ranger said to Cody. "Besides, no one's gonna see you outside this cabin anyway."

"I guess you have a point, Ranger D...J?"

Cody was looking at the nameplate on the desk, which read 'Ranger DeeJay.'

"Yeah... been meaning to get that fixed."

"So," Owen changed the subject, "how are we going to go about saving our friends?"

"You're not," DJ answered nonchalantly.

"**WHAT?**" the trio yelled simultaneously.

"If they weren't on the beach, they probably drowned in the ocean. And even if they somehow made it to the island... well, I'll tell you, this is definitely a jungle you don't want to get lost in. There are so many ways to lose your life out there, there was only one name the natives could come up with to call it."

"And that is?" Bridgette motioned for him to finish.

"**THE** Jungle!"

"The jungle?"

"No... **THE** Jungle! You have to shout the **THE** and capitalize the 'J' in Jungle!"

"But our friends!" Cody exclaimed. "Two of them are main characters! They're not allowed to die in a filler chapter!"

"Filler? This story is only 13 chapters long! We don't have time for filler! Besides... how do we know your friends made it to the island, their bodies are in this jungle, and they're still alive?"

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. DJ walked over to open it and found Izzy standing there, dressed in nothing but a burlap sack, with holes for her head, arms, and legs, and holding up a small envelope.

"Here's your mail, Ranger DJ! Viva la Postal Service!"

"Thanks!"

DJ then shut the door and walked back to the others, opening the envelope as he did. He pulled a letter out of it, and read it aloud.

"I am holding Trent, Gwen, and the dude who thinks he's a jock, and I am offering them to the highest bidder. If you want to save them, bring moolah. Lots and lots of moolah."

"That's inhumane!" Bridgette exclaimed. "People aren't meant to be sold! If I ever get my hands on the sick creep responsible..."

"It's signed Geoff, the Bounty Hunter."

Bridgette gasped.

"I have a boyfriend... and he's a bounty hunter? That can't be! I'm, I'm pretty sure he wasn't the last time I saw him!"

"Out here," DJ said to her, "people can change over time."

"But he's only been missing a month!" exclaimed Owen.

"Oh... well, I can't explain this one then."

Cody started to think out loud. "Whatever's the reason of Geoff's sudden career change, we have to stop him. We won't let him get away with this!"

* * *

"We won't let him get away with this!" Tyler shouted.

"Great!" Gwen said in response. "Now how about you tell the fianc , who's gone off his rocker, that?"

Tyler, Gwen, and Trent were bound together by rope as they sat inside a cave and in front of a small campfire. Geoff was on the other side, sharpening a large butcher's knife, to the trio's distress. He was dressed in a puffed linen shirt, long breeches, and had a bandana tied around the top of his head.

"I'm not exactly up to speed on the laws of bounty hunters," Trent told Geoff, "but I'm pretty sure you get a lot more money for us if we're sold alive."

"This thing?" Geoff said in return, holding the large knife up. "It's my part-time job. Selling fine cutlery. There's not a boat race every day, you know. Oh, that reminds me... can I interest you in..."

"No," Gwen effortlessly shot his pitch down.

"But they're high-quality! They come with a lifetime guarantee! They'll never need to be sharpened, ever!"

"Wait," Trent tried to piece things together, "if cutlery salesman and superstar boat racer are your jobs, then what is bounty hunting?"

"My life."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Well, only since recently. I met this women whom only likes to be referred to as Mistress."

"Sounds enticing," Tyler smirked. "Is she a blond?"

Geoff shook his head.

"Never mind."

"Anyway, she had somehow heard about me being engaged to get married, and I told her that I hadn't even begun to think about how to afford it. So, she offered me this one big job, which she said she'd reward me handsomely for if I could pull it off."

"And that job was to bring us in?"

"Exactly... Trent, is it? You're good at this deduction stuff."

"Thanks... I think."

"Man, was I lucky I found you on that other beach. But two things have been bothering me ever since I tied you guys up. One, you don't look as strong as the mistress' partner-in-crime said you were. What was his name... oh, yeah! Harold!"

"Harold?" Gwen remembered. "That was the guy from that game! And he wasn't working alone?"

"That means this Mistress can't be good either," Trent added.

"The second thing," Geoff picked up, "was that the last report she gave me this morning was that there were supposed to be six of you. I'm luring your friends here so that the whole package can be here when I deliver you all to her. The only issue with that is... she never told me who the sixth was."

"Geoff! Geoff, is that really you?"

Geoff turned his attention towards the cave entrance, and gasped in shock when he saw Bridgette standing there, who looked equally in dismay. Oh, and Cody, Owen, and DJ were with her, and they were all back in their normal outfits.

"Bridge? It can't be! You can't be the sixth member of the team!"

"Well, you see... funny story..."

"It must be him!" Geoff shouted, pointing at DJ.

"Hey now," DJ put his hands up in denial. "I just gave them a ride here on my jeep. I call it... **THE** Jeep!"

"Joke wasn't funny the first time," Bridgette told him, "and sadly, it's not funny now!"

"Sorry," DJ apologized, "I'm just trying to fit in, that's all."

"I'll capture them," Geoff explained his plan to Bridgette, "and then we can go and live happily ever after with the bounty we'll get for them!"

"So we're not trying to outbid someone for Gwen and the others?" Cody breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, 'cause we don't have much to offer."

Cody then took out his red rubber ball and got ready to attack. DJ loaded two bullets into the shotgun everyone just noticed that he had been holding the whole time.

"I don't like using this thing, but it's part of the training..."

"Please," Geoff rolled his eyes as he pulled a pistol out of his pocket and aimed it back at DJ.

"Not so fast!" Owen declared. "You haven't seen my weapon yet!"

Owen opened his mouth up wide and air started being sucked into, like a vacuum. He directed it towards Geoff, as if he trying to suck him into his mouth whole! Geoff dug the sandals he was wearing into the rocky ground underneath him, trying to hold his position. But in doing so, he lost his grip on his pistol, which went flying end over end towards Owen.

The pistol hit Owen in the nose barrel-first, before falling to the ground as hard as a brick. Owen stopped his attack, grasping his aching nose in pain.

"Ow! Man... I guess I should've practiced this beforehand. Heh heh... and on something other than daisies!"

The four guys glared at each other, about to start a full-on battle in earnest... until Bridgette stepped in to stop Geoff.

"What's all this talk about collecting bounties?" she asked him.

"Boo!" somebody yelled. "Let 'em fight!"

"I heard everything from outside! I'm sure this Mistress can't be trusted. Besides, given I'm one of the six... what guarantee did she give you that she wasn't going to kill me with the others?"

"Boo! Boo!"

"She didn't! I didn't even know you were the one who just joined the team... and, off-topic, but how did you guys get here so fast?"

DJ whistled as he tossed out an empty can of nitro from his vehicle.

"We'll find another way to pay for the wedding!" pleaded Bridgette. "I can freelance as a mechanic again, like I did before I met you. And I can charge people for surfing lessons!"

"Boo! Charging people is overrated!"

"But," Geoff began to think, as he lowered his pistol and turned his attention fully to his girl, "how do we know that'll be enough?"

"If I may," DJ cut in, handing his shotgun to Cody before looking at the couple, "I know of a really great gal in the kingdom of Ontario Falls who's loaded! She can hook you guys up, plus her terms are competitive with the current market."

"Well..." Geoff hesitated.

"Did I mention that she doesn't require you to get her humans in return?"

"Deal! Screw the Mistress, because I'm making my money the honest way!"

"I'm so happy!" squealed Bridgette.

Bridgette then jumped up and wrapped her arms around Geoff as they kissed. He spun her around as they locked lips, going around several times before stopping and finally catching their breath.

"Whoa!" a stunned Geoff gasped. "How long have you been holding that in, Bridge?"

Bridgette smiled. "I'd say... about a month."

"Boo! Go back to the fighting!"

Geoff handed his pistol to Bridgette, then walked over to go untie Trent, Gwen, and Tyler. But before he could, Bridgette ran over to stop him.

"Wait! Let me do something first!"

She handed Geoff back his gun, and then reached into her pocket, where she pulled out a handheld spell book.

"You're a mage?" Trent asked.

"Uh huh," nodded Bridgette. "A white mage, to be exact!"

"So that explains last chapter..." realized Gwen.

"**BOO!**"

"**SHUT UP, TYLER!**" everyone shouted.

"Amplificus healius!" recited Bridgette, closing her eyes and channeling her magic power.

A white light enveloped Trent, Gwen, and Tyler, and almost immediately they could feel their fatigue fading and their energy returning. Once the magic had done its work, the light disappeared, and Geoff went to work untying them.

* * *

A little while later, the entire group found themselves back at 'The Ranger Station.' They were all sitting down to a nice meal of beef stew and biscuits, save for Bridgette, who had to settle for just biscuits, as they tried to take stock of their situation.

"So we have no boat, no food, no healing potions," reeled off Trent.

"In short," Gwen finished, "we've got nothing but the clothes on our back."

"And..." Cody added, counting the coins in his pocket on DJ's deck, "we've got 95 cents in change."

"Don't worry about it," DJ assured them. "I'm good friends with the ferry driver that brings me here and takes me home. I'm sure he'll accommodate you guys for your trip to Ontario Falls."

"So, what do you do to keep from getting bored?" Tyler asked as he got up out of his seat.

"Not much. Read books. Try out new recipes. Listen to jams on the radio."

"Sweet!"

Tyler ran over to the radio and turned it on. Hearing static, he fiddled with the dial to try and pick up a station.

"Course, here, we can only pick up one radio station..."

Tyler found it, and turned it up. Geoff and Bridgette's ears perked up when they heard it.

"This is the song that was playing when we had our first dance together!" Bridgette squealed.

Geoff smiled as he began serenading his girlfriend with it.

"Aruba, Jamaica! Ooh, I wanna take you to Bermuda, Bahama... come on, pretty mama..."

"And they play nothing but Beach Boys songs," DJ finished.

The rest of the gang audibly moaned, but the happy couple didn't seem to hear them.

"That's where we wanna go!" Geoff continued to sing. "Way down in Kokomo!"

"So..." Trent looked at DJ, "when does that ferry come?"

"Well..."

DJ whispered the answer to Trent, and he nearly lost it.

"**WHAT DO YOU MEAN A WEEK?**"

***** To be continued... *****  
**[narrator would settle for ocean city]**


	6. Next!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Just a note, 'Total Drama Fantasy' will be going on hiatus for a few weeks. See my profile page for more details!

Special one-time guest narrator ahoy!

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me. The songs used in this chapter are property of their respective owners.

* * *

Aboard a ferry in the sea, Trent, Cody, Gwen, Tyler, Owen, Bridgette, and Geoff peered over the railing, gazing out at the beautiful water all around them. They were on their way to Ontario Falls, looking for a gal to help Geoff and Bridgette pay for their wedding... as well as assist the others in fulfilling their quests. They were all smiling and laughing, happy as could be...

Until DJ came over with a clipboard, reminding them that this ferry ride wasn't free.

"Heh heh," Cody chuckled uncomfortably, "I was hoping you had forgotten that little detail..."

* * *

(LeShawna in the house, y'all!  
I'm your special guest narrator for today!  
So... let me just find my script...

Ah... here we go! Ahem...  
In order to pay for their fare to Ontario Falls,  
Our heroic party is tasked with doing odd jobs!)

In the kitchen, Trent was wrapping completed ham-and-cheese sandwiches in wax paper, which he then handed off to Gwen, who placed them in paper bags that had a bag of chips in them. She then gave each bag to Owen, whose job was to place them on the counter so other passengers could pick them up.

(I'd check that arrangement if I were you two!)

Trent and Gwen stopped their work, hearing LeShawna's concerned warning. They turned around and gasped when they saw that all of the work they had done so far had been wasted... because the bags were all ripped apart, and Owen was consuming all of the contents right in front of them.

Of course, he stopped when he saw them staring at him.

"What? I skipped breakfast this morning!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Geoff and Bridgette were near the stern of the ferry, entertaining the guests. Or rather, they were supposed to, but all they were doing was making out, smacking lips as their hands ran rampant over each others' bodies. And their audience just watched, speechless... those who could watch anyway, what with adults covering the eyes of their children.

(I'd say this is better than them singing Beach Boys songs  
But at least that can be done in public!)

* * *

As for Cody and Tyler, they were by the bow, assigned to mop the deck. But they had other ideas...

(And as for these two...)

"I'm on a boat!" sang Tyler.

"I'm on a boat!" Cody did likewise.

"Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat!" they continued in harmony.

(Oh no! Quick, cut to the theme song!)

"I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Take a good hard look at the mother[**BEEP!**] boat!"

(Just cut to the darn theme song already!)

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Six - Next (07.26.10)**  
**-**

(Now that they're not on a boat  
It's time for these RPGers to travel their own way  
With their own two feet!)

The party of seven waved farewell to DJ, who was walking his own way home on foot. But he hadn't left without giving them a gift.

"It was so nice of DJ to give us a map to his friend's house," Trent said, smiling as he held said map up. "She'll be able to help us all out for sure!"

"And look at this!" Tyler exclaimed, holding up a big sack of coins. "We earned all of this on the ferry even after paying our passenger fares!"

"Not bad for a few hours' work," Geoff noted. "Maybe instead of bounty hunting and selling high-class cutlery, I'll work on a ferry!"

"You can't!" Bridgette objected. "That is... not unless I get to come with you! I can't stand to be apart from you for so long again!"

Geoff winked at his girl. "Of course, babe!"

The two then started making out again, right in the middle of the street. Tyler growled in anger, while Cody slowly sneaked over to Gwen's side.

"Argh!" Tyler shouted as he handed the sack to Owen. "That **REALLY** makes me wish I had a girlfriend!"

"So," Cody smiled slyly as he draped his arm around Gwen's shoulder. "Do those two give you any... you know. Ideas?"

Gwen glared at Cody as she took his hand and slowly pulled it off of her shoulder.

"Yeah... but not the one you're thinking of, buddy!"

Gwen looked Bridgette's way to see if she was thinking the same thing. But the only thing on the mage's mind was playing tongue hockey.

"Okay then. This is going to be **COMPLETELY** out of character for me, but... guys! It's time for a shopping spree montage!"

* * *

The heroic party made their way to the city's market, which was essentially an outdoor mall that spanned several blocks.

Their first stop was Potions Drive, where they scanned the stands looking for big deals. Cody found one upon seeing a sign on the counter of a stand that read 'Try the new and improved Animate Me 2.0! Now revives a person to full health... and comes in four different flavors!'

"One, please!" Cody stated, putting 40 dollars worth of coins on the table.

The vendor nodded, then whistled at his assistant, who responded by throwing a 10-pound cardboard box at Cody... which easily knocked him over.

Cody waved his thanks, even as the box rested on his face.

* * *

Next was Weapons Court. The entire gang saw a plethora of things they thought about buying. Gwen and Bridgette were scanning the selection at a magic bookstore, Cody spotted an assortment of different colored rubber balls, and Trent had his eye on a stronger sword and a shield to go along with it.

As for Geoff, he was about to purchase a golden-plated seven-shot pistol, which he placed on a counter along with 50 dollars in coins. The dealer took both the pistol and money and put it under his counter. He then pulled out a ten-page form and a pen.

"What's this?"

"A form stating your intention to buy a firearm. I assume you'd know that when you got your gun owner's license."

Geoff looked confused. "Huh?"

The dealer sighed and pulled out another ten-page form, this one an application for a gun license. Geoff grumbled as he starting filling out the paperwork.

* * *

Then came Fashion Place. Trent and Cody were sitting in front of a portable outdoor set of changing rooms. The wait was well worth it, as Gwen came out, dressed in a red leotard, cape, and skirt.

"Now that's hot!" Trent commented, giving Gwen a thumbs up.

Gwen twirled around to show off her whole costume, getting applause from the boys. She then went back into the dressing room. She repeated the process several times more, showing off different colored outfits. But the last set of clothing...

"That's perfect!" Trent exclaimed.

"It's so you!" Cody agreed.

But instead of being happy, Gwen was angry. Why? Because she was wearing the original outfit that she had come into the city with. Furious, she reached back into the changing room and threw all the other outfits at Trent and Cody.

"Unbelievable," Gwen uttered as she stomped off.

The two boys looked at each other and shrugged, not getting why Gwen was mad at them.

* * *

Last but not least was Restaurant Row, where the gang wrapped up their trip with dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet. But even as they all had their fill, they had to sit and watch, embarrassed, as Owen was downing all the food faster than the chefs could cook it.

* * *

The gang had finished shopping and were heading to their destination as the sun began to set over the horizon. Trent was leading the way, but he stopped in surprise when he found out where the map was taking them.

"Uh, guys..."

The others stopped, and they too were amazed to see that they were standing... in front of a castle!

"**DJ'S FRIEND LIVES IN A CASTLE?**" they all shouted.

* * *

The party of seven was escorted into the princess' royal chamber. They were all sitting in chairs lined up against one wall by the door, waiting for DJ's friend to show up.

"Hey hey, people!" shouted LeShawna as she opened the door and stepped in, dressed in a tan-colored dress. "Princess LeShawna has arrived!"

"LeShawna's a princess?" gasped Gwen. "No way!"

"What was that?" LeShawna looked at Gwen, not happy with the goth girl's disbelief. "You're saying I can't be a princess?"

"I don't mean that at all!" Gwen clarified. "You wanna be a princess, then you can be a princess!"

"Uh huh... that's what I thought."

LeShawna then backed off, and Gwen breathed a sigh of relief.

"DJ told me you guys were coming," LeShawna said as she walked over towards Geoff and Bridgette. "And I've decided to help you two out!"

"Really?" Bridgette squealed. "That's incredible!"

"Hold on, Bridge," Geoff calmed his girl down. "That was too easy. There's gotta be a catch."

"Geoff!"

"No, it's okay," LeShawna stated. "I do have to admit... there is a tiny catch."

"How... tiny?" Geoff asked.

"I need you to find the Princess of Ontario Falls!"

"Wait a minute," Cody cut in. "You mean... you're **NOT** a princess after all?"

"I am, I am! Though not by birth. By random selection."

"Random selection?"

"Uh huh. It's how they chose who to take the real princess' place after she disappeared seven months ago."

"I sense a flashback," Tyler sighed.

Tyler got up and was about to walk out, but Trent and Cody grabbed him by the arms and forced him to sit back down.

"Man! I hate flashbacks!"

"The story actually starts three weeks before her disappearance..."

* * *

_It was a sunny day outside, but the 'real' princess was stuck indoors. They were a bunch of young men, teenagers and adults, all gathered in the royal hall just to see the princess._

_The young woman, herself, was sitting in the royal throne, dressed in a purple and violet gown. She seemed unimpressed as, one by one, the men approached her, all attempting to woo her._

_(You see, in the kingdom of Ontario Falls  
A princess is required by law to get married  
On or before their sweet sixteenth birthday!)_

_(No wonder my father's trying to get me hitched  
He must've been raised under similar circumstances.)_

_(Gwen, I'm the only one getting paid to narrate,_  
_So shut yer yap and let me tell this story!)_

_"Next," the princess said, motioning for the next to come forward. "Nope, not you... next! You neither... next! Oh, God no... next! Lose 15 pounds, then we'll talk... next!"_

_"This reminds me of a dating show I saw once," one of the suitors in line said to another. "Now... what was it called again?"_

_"**NEXT!**"_

_"Oh, yeah... that was it."

* * *

_

_(But as her sixteenth birthday drew ever closer  
The princess still hadn't chosen a suitor!)_

_The princess was angrily sitting on her bed, arms crossed across her chest as her parents, the king and queen, begged her to pick a prince._

_"You have to pick someone," the queen told her. "How can we ensure the royal lineage stays in place if there's no prince to take over the throne once we pass into the afterlife?"_

_"I told you, Mom! I refuse to get married for that reason alone! If I marry someone... it must be someone I truly love! I'm against any union that turns me into a trophy wife! I've worked too hard to please the people of our kingdom just to become a figurehead!"_

_"We insist that you pick a suitor!" shouted the king. "And as soon as possible! If you refuse to select a prince, we will do it for you!"_

_"What? You can't do that!"_

_"We can and we will!" both parents declared, not willing to budge an inch on the kingdom's royal tradition._

_

* * *

(After the princess went another nine days  
Without choosing a man who would become her prince  
The king and queen arranged her to be set up  
With the duke of the kingdom of Buffalo Heights._

_The princess objected, but all for naught  
She had no choice if she wanted to remain princess  
So, two days before her sweet sixteenth  
She was to get hitched in her future husband's castle.)_

_The princess, dressed in a white wedding gown, was being escorted towards the horse-drawn carriage that would take her to Buffalo Heights. Many of the people of Ontario Falls had come out to pass along their well-wishes, and despite her disapproval of the arranged marriage, she did appreciate her subjects' love for her._

_So much so that she decided to say a few words to them before departing._

_"Thank you, all of you!" she said to them all. "Although I would rather marry someone I'm in love with... and would have actually met before today... I understand that as princess, it is my sworn duty to uphold the traditions of our kingdom's royal family. To ensure your future, your childrens' future, and your children's childrens' future, I will be marrying the Duke of Buffalo Heights today, in order to ensure the lineage of my family stays intact. And in doing so, not only will me and my new husband be unifying our two kingdoms, but we will be ensuring the peace and prosperity of our loyal subjects."_

_The people cheered for the princess' continued commitment to them, despite her about to sacrifice her chance at true love. The princess waved to them, for the last time as a young girl. The next time they saw her, she would unofficially be the kingdom's queen-in-waiting._

_She turned to step into the carriage, but her parents stopped her, as they had some parting words for her._

_"I'm sorry we can't come with you, honey," her mother apologized in advance. "They insisted on a very small, very private ceremony."_

_"And we know you don't like this," her father said to her, "but it's for the good of the kingdom. We hope you don't hate us for this."_

_The princess shook her head._

_"No. I still love you both. You're my parents, and I'll always love you... regardless of how many old-fashioned rules and traditions we're forcibly bounded by."_

_The princess kissed the king on the cheek, and then gave the queen hug. They then both wished her good luck, as the princess stepped into the carriage with the crowd cheering once again._

_Once the door was closed, the driver of the carriage signaled the horses to start pulling. The princess stuck her head out of the window and waved once more, both to her parents and to her loyal subjects. She kept smiling, although deep inside her heart was sad._

_Her life was about to change... and there was nothing she could about it._

_(Even if the princess didn't want  
To be married to a random stranger  
I don't think she even imagined  
The way her plans would be changed against her will.)_

_

* * *

That night, thunderstorms rolled through the kingdom as two royal processions made their way up into the hills of the Bourbon Mountains, which served as the main passageway connecting Ontario Falls to Buffalo Heights. The king and queen of both kingdoms arrived with their entourages at the exact same time upon a sharp curve on the path, where they found the carriage that had been carrying the young princess to Buffalo Heights._

_The wheels were missing, and the left-side door had been ripped clear off of its hinges. The horses, the carriage driver, and the princess were also nowhere to be found._

_The queen of Ontario Falls cried out in anguish, fearing her daughter was no longer among the living. As the queen of Buffalo Heights consoled her, her husband pulled a piece of paper from the wreckage and handed it to the king of Ontario Falls._

_"If you ever want to see the princess again," he read aloud, "call off the arranged marriage between her and the Duke of Buffalo Heights. Otherwise, we will take her life!"_

_Suddenly, a male teenager stepped out of the Buffalo Heights royal carriage, dressed in a suit despite the rainy conditions._

_"May I see that?" he asked the princess' father._

_"Introduce yourself properly!" scolded the king of Buffalo Heights. "This is your future father-in-law!"_

_"My sincerest apologies," he quickly realized, as he bowed before his in-laws. "I didn't mean to offend you. My name is Alejandro, the Duke of Buffalo Heights!"_

_The king nodded, accepting Alejandro's apology, and then he handed the letter to him. Alejandro only needed a few seconds to examine it before determining its origin._

_"It's from the kingdom of the Killer Gophers. I'd recognize the feel of this parchment anywhere... that's the only place paper of this quality can be found so freely."_

_"They are our mortal enemies," Alejandro's father explained. "They've been trying to invade our country and take control. They're afraid that if this marriage goes through, the military might of our combined forces will be too much for their army to overcome."_

_"So what should we do?" the king of Ontario Falls asked._

_"What else," Alejandro said defiantly. "I'm going to march up to that castle and rescue my bride-to-be!"_

_

* * *

(And so, the suave and sexy Duke Alejandro  
Led a group of elite knights from both kingdoms  
To the kingdom of the Killer Gophers  
Where they launched an assault on the king's castle._

_They quickly took out the guards  
And then turned their attention to the king himself  
When he refused to let the princess go free  
Alejandro had no choice but to slay the evil monarch._

_But it wasn't until the castle was completely cleared out  
That they finally found the princess.)_

_Alejandro and the elite force were in the midst of crossing a wooden plank bridge situated high over a river of lava, when they spotted someone in white waiting on the other side._

_"That's her!" one of the Falls' knights yelled. "It's the princess!"_

_They ran towards the end of the bridge, but stopped a few feet short when they saw her back was turned to them._

_"Ah, my princess!" swooned Alejandro. "Your future husband has come to your rescue! And may I say... you're more beautiful than I imagined you be."_

_The princess responded... by snickering uncontrollably._

_"Huh? You mean you don't appreciate my compliment?"_

_"I'm sorry..."_

_The princess turned around... and Alejandro suddenly realized this wasn't the girl he was looking for._

_It was Izzy. And she was grinning a toothy smile as she held a golden battle axe in hand._

_"But your princess is in another castle! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!"_

_Izzy then used the axe to cut the rope holding up the bridge with two quick swipes. With no time to react, Alejandro and all of the knights plunged to their deaths in the fiery river below._

* * *

"After that, both kingdoms called off the wedding," LeShawna told the gang. "A few weeks later, the kingdom of the Killer Gophers successfully took control of Buffalo Heights."

"Unbelievable!" remarked Trent. "And... your princess was never found?"

"Her parents gave up the search two months ago. The king of Killer Gophers has announced his intent to take over Ontario Falls as well. They needed to find someone to help keep the kingdom alive should our king pass away for any reason."

"That's why you're here," deduced Cody. "They chose you to take over the succession line."

"Yeah. But it's no good unless I get a husband, and soon!"

"What?" Gwen shouted. "Why?"

"You see, when I was crowned the new princess, I had already celebrated my 16th birthday! Because of the unusual circumstances, I was given a three-month grace period. But now it's almost over, and that girl's parents are now trying to force me to marry someone!"

"So what do you want us to do again?" Bridgette needed to be reminded.

"Find the real princess! It's her duty to be arranged to get married to a complete stranger, not mine! She's gotta be alive, somewhere... she wouldn't let a sistah like me have to suffer for her!"

LeShawna started to head to the door, about to leave them to think about her offer.

"Hold on!" Tyler jumped up. "You expect us to save you from getting forcibly married so we can find this girl, who we have no guarantee is still alive, and have her get forcibly married? We don't even know where to start looking for her, much less what we're looking for!"

"What are you talkin' about? I hinted at her identity throughout the story! Weren't you payin' attention?"

"No... not really."

"Ugh," LeShawna rolled her eyes. "The lost princess can only be one person! And her name is..."

* * *

"Courtney! Courtney!"

Duncan kicked opened Courtney's door and walked in, holding a tray with a three-course meal on it... obviously, her dinner.

"Hey! Royal pain-in-my-butt! You better eat this while it's hot!"

"I'm working on something!" Courtney shouted from somewhere further back in the room. "Just leave it there!"

"Suit yourself," Duncan rolled his eyes. "We don't have microwaves in this crazy castle, ya know!"

Duncan put the tray down on a table and was about to leave when he saw a small white binder just sitting there. He opened it up and read the title aloud.

"'Courtney's Attack the Hills Combat Plan.'"

He flipped through it and saw pages upon pages detailing the topology of the town, as well as battle formation diagrams and a few crude drawings of Trent, Gwen, and Cody being killed in various ways.

"Jackpot!"

Duncan grinned evilly as he closed the binder and ran out of the room, running past a photo of Courtney dressed in her purple princess' dress.

***** To be continued... *****  
**[wishes Princess Courtney dolls actually existed]**


	7. She's a Blonde

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

So back on the saddle after a few weeks off. The unfortunate thing is, because of the lay-off, we've had some turnover in the cast. Uh oh!

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me. The songs used in this chapter are property of their respective owners.

* * *

(Ah, that was a nice vacation!  
Let's rejoin our heroes as they Wander through a forest...

What? Again?)

The group of adventurers walked along the dirt path, not daring to stray from it, as they heard all sorts of wild animals and insects rustling in the nearby underbrush.

(At least our motley crew of seven is in good spirits...)

Coming to a clearing, they decided to sit down and take a lunch break. Trent and Cody unfolded the blanket, Gwen started to take out a few pre-wrapped sandwiches from a basket, Tyler was holding back Owen as the latter tried to make a mad dash, for the food, and Geoff and Bridgette...

Geoff and Bridgette...

(Where's Geoff and Bridgette, guys?)

"Geoff and Bridgette?" Cody rubbed the back of his head. "Well..."

* * *

LeShawna walked into her royal bedroom, smiling as she was counting the money she got from her one-time narration gig last chapter.

"Man, I got **PAID** like Kobe!"

But her happiness would quickly turn into anger as she dropped her cash upon seeing Geoff lying on top of Bridgette on top of the covers of LeShawna's bed, kissing as if there was no tomorrow.

"When people told y'all to get a room... **THEY DIDN'T MEAN MINE!**"

The two lovebirds ignored her as they were lost in their make-out session.

* * *

"We didn't dare try to get them to stop," Trent admitted. "He had a gun after all!"

"Wait a minute!" Tyler gasped, coming to a realization.

Tyler looked at Gwen, who had look of displeasure on her face as he pointed his finger at her.

"One..." he counted. "Uh, one..."

Tyler then glanced around the area, and Gwen tapped her foot impatiently as she waited until the rest of the realization caught up to him.

"We're down to one girl again! Gwen's gonna kill us!"

Tyler screamed as he ran off, scooting past Owen, who had his head buried in the picnic basket and was unaware of what was going on.

"I'll go get him," Trent sighed.

"You're leaving me behind with Gwen?" Cody asked, a bit frightened as Trent took off.

"Oh, come on!" Gwen threw her hands up in frustration. "Just because Bridgette's gone doesn't mean I'll go all Carrie on you guys!"

"If it's all the same," Cody said, as he hid behind the still-unaware Owen, "I think I'll keep my wandering hands away from you for awhile."

"Fine then. I promise that the next girl we see, I'll allow to join the team. No questions asked."

Enter 'next' girl, running towards them and screaming at the top of her lungs in fear. It was Katie, who had her arms up in the air and her eyes closed.

"Wait," Gwen quickly shouted. "The next one!"

Seconds later, Sadie appeared... also running towards them, screaming in fear, arms in the air, etc.

"Mental note to self..." mumbled Gwen under her breath. "The writer's first on my hit list."

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Seven - She's a Blonde (08.16.10)**  
**-**

A few minutes later, the band of heroes, now back together, were with Katie and Sadie. The two girls were quivering in fear as they all passed a sign that read 'Welcome to Shallow Falls' in big, black letters.

And then under it, in much smaller print... 'Otherwise known as the true 'The Hills.' Not filmed on a backlot, we swear!'

It was then that the gang saw why Katie and Sadie had been running away from this place. Palm trees had been uprooted, houses had been destroyed and/or ransacked, cute little chihuahuas were yipping and yapping wildly, and there was a group of people in tattered clothing crying in front of... what looked like to be a perfectly intact upscale shopping mall.

"What are they so sad about?" Trent asked, a little confused.

"The Neiman Marcus, Lord & Taylor, and Bloomingdale's here all went out of business simultaneously yesterday," explained Katie.

"I haven't seen people this sad since we lost Hecht's!" cried Sadie.

"You were running in fear because a few stores closed down?" Gwen growled as she glared at them.

They then heard the sound of a four-story building five blocks away collapse. They looked in that direction and saw it disappear in a cloud of smoke.

"That's the reason we were running in fear!" replied Sadie.

"Some jerk came into 'The Hills' and started destroying everything!" exclaimed Katie.

"We tried to stop the baddie..."

"...but he had a chainsaw and a hook!"

"I love this town, but, like, not enough to risk my life for it."

"That's what I was about to say, Katie! Only... about my life not worth risking!"

"Woo hoo!" Owen yelled enthusiastically. "Time to rush into action!"

"And impress some hot blonde chicks!" Tyler added.

Cody and Gwen started to run in the direction of the collapsed building. Tyler and Owen were about to follow, but were stopped by Trent, who raised his arms to block them.

"Sorry, dudes... main characters only!"

Trent then turned and ran after Cody and Gwen.

"I thought I was a main character," Owen scratched his head, perplexed.

"You can't do this!" Tyler yelled at Trent as he pointed at... Katie and Sadie. "They're... they're not blondes!"

* * *

Trent, Cody, and Gwen arrived on the scene, and they heard the bone-chilling sound of a chainsaw running not too far from them.

"Who would have such a grudge against this city that they'd want to reduce it to rubble?" Trent asked loud.

"Maybe it's that Mistress that Geoff talked about," suggested Cody. "She did kind of want to see us dead."

"Yeah, us!" Gwen corrected him. "Not a whole city full of high-class socialites who think the world revolves around them and spend their money on frivolous things and flash their jewelry at us as if we actually cared... wait, why are we trying to save these people again?"

"Because it's the right thing to do, Gwen!" Cody said with a smile.

"Oh, please..."

Gwen looked up and saw a guy looking over her shoulder.

"**AAAAHHH!**" Gwen screamed, jumping up.

Upon hearing Gwen, Trent and Cody stopped arguing and turned their attention to her, as she came running into their arms.

"Who are you?" Trent asked.

"He's not the Mistress, that's for sure," Cody pointed out.

"Do I look like **HER**?" the guy yelled.

"I dunno..." hesitated Trent. "I've seen RPGs where guys look like girls, and vice versa..."

"This isn't one of those lame Japanese games!"

Gwen finally got a good look at the creeper... and gasped.

"Duncan! I... I almost didn't recognize you!"

"What the... I'm not even wearing a stupid costume!"

True enough, Duncan was dressed exactly like he was in real life. But with two small, yet noticeable differences.

He was holding a chainsaw in his right hand and there was a hook in place of his left hand.

"You're the one destroying this city?" Gwen asked Duncan.

"What can I say... I hate rich people."

"Says the guy who won a million dollars," grumbled Trent.

"Did the Mistress put you up to this?" questioned Cody.

"Why would I have to answer to her?" Duncan stated in return. "Besides, I heard rumblings that the King wanted her replaced. I was in the right place at the right time, so I took her plan to draw you losers out into the open, and it worked to perfection! With a few modifications on my part to make it even more menacing, of course!"

"The King?"

"Yes, King, as in, ruler of this world and owner of the butt of everyone that resides in it!"

"But our characters have lived here for years," shouted Trent. "How come we haven't heard about this guy until now?"

"Um... because... well... your mother!"

"Wow," Gwen rolled her eyes. "Real original."

"Look, all you losers have to know is that I am one of the King's Four Horsemen! And I'm here to do what my predecessors couldn't do... kill all of you!"

"No thanks," Cody shook his head, "I've already had my requisite fear for my life moment today."

"**ARGH!**" Duncan yelled.

Duncan then pulled the start cord on his chainsaw. Once it was going, he raised it in the air and charged at the trio.

Gwen leafed through her spell book, searching for a spell of some sort as she ran and hid behind some rubble while Trent and Cody engaged Duncan in battle.

"Take this!" Trent yelled.

Trent's sword clashed with Duncan's chainsaw, and sparks flew literally as the saw's teeth tried to rip through the sword. Trent had to raise his arms to keep from being blinded by the sparks as Duncan began to push him backwards.

"Nice sword," commented Duncan calmly. "Big too. Compensating for something?"

"Hey!"

Cody reached into a black duffel bag, which was full of different colored rubber balls which he had bought in Ontario Falls.

"These should really come with labels," Cody said as he picked up the orange ball.

He threw it at Duncan's head, hoping to catch him off-guard. But Duncan saw it coming, and raised his hook to pop it. The second the hook pierced the ball's outer surface, though, it burst into pieces. And out of it came a giant glob of slime, which splattered on anything in a 25-foot radius... including Duncan and Trent.

"Something's in a [**BEEP!**]in' hurry to die!" cursed Duncan.

Duncan pushed forward, just enough to tip Trent off his feet and cause the sword-wielder to fall backwards. Duncan headed for Cody, with anger apparent in his eyes. Cody quickly turned tail and ran, leaving his only means of self-defense behind.

"I'll show you, you Nickelodeon-loving freak!" yelled Duncan.

"I swear I only watch iCarly once a day!" Cody screamed in a panic. "Most people sit through three!"

* * *

"Her royal highness has returned! Her royal highness has returned!"

Everyone dropped to their knees and bowed as the stagecoach carrying Shallow Falls' ruler pulled up to the shopping mall.

"I bet you dinner that she's not blonde," Tyler whispered to Owen.

"You're on," Owen agreed, sealing the deal with a handshake.

Atop the coach, Izzy, dressed in a green bikini top and khaki pants, pulled on the reins, bringing the two horses pulling the coach to a complete stop.

"Okay!" Izzy shouted. "Everyone please rise for the national anthem!"

As she produced an AM/FM/CD stereo out of nowhere, everyone got to their feet and placed their right hand over their heart. Once she saw that everyone had done so, she pressed play...

(**YOU MAKE ME VIOLATE YOU, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE!**)

Izzy hastily pressed stop, and got a lot of odd stares in response to the song.

"Sorry!" she apologized as she ejected the CD from the stereo. "I was at a bachelorette party last night... crazy stuff, let me tell you! The bride-to-be was a horse! We were wrong to think three bags of food for her was enough!"

Izzy found the right CD and inserted it into the stereo's slot. The door to the stagecoach flew open, and Lindsay stepped out just as the song began to play.

(California girls  
We're unforgettable  
Daisy Dukes  
Bikinis on top  
Sun-kissed skin  
So hot  
We'll melt your Popsicle  
Oooooh oh oooooh)

Tyler's jaw was wide open in stunned silence at the site of Lindsay, who was dressed in only a red bikini top and very, very short blue jean shorts. So much so that he didn't notice Owen waving a menu in front of his eyes.

"I hear this city's got the biggest Golden Corral in New England!" Owen drooled with anticipation. "Boy, I can't wait!"

* * *

"Stop chasing me!" screamed Cody.

"Stop running then!" Duncan shouted in return.

Cody was leading Duncan back to the area where he had left his bag of rubber balls on the ground. But he wasn't trying to go for his arsenal of weapons... he was leading Duncan back to Gwen, who was charged full of magic and ready to strike.

"Dark magic!" Duncan exclaimed as he stopped in his tracks. "That's the only kind of magic that can hurt people!"

As Cody ran past Gwen and over to Trent, who was a safe distance away, Gwen started chanting off spells in quick succession, one after another.

"Urd! Fire! Betep! Air!"

Duncan was assaulted, in order, by weeds that rose out of the ground and wrapped around his legs, a fireball that lit up his mohawk in flames, a gust of wind that was strong enough to make his hook hand immobile in mid-air, and a quart's worth of water in an attempt to short-circuit the engine of the chainsaw. After reciting all four spells, Gwen dropped to her knees, gasping for air after she had expended all of her magic energy in such a short burst of time.

Trent and Cody both ran over to make sure Gwen hadn't overexerted herself... but their focus quickly changed when they saw a smirk flash across Duncan's face.

And then a small burst of energy exited his body, extinguishing all four elemental attacks simultaneously.

"No way," Cody's eyes trembled with dismay. "She put everything she had into those attacks..."

"Ha ha ha!" Duncan laughed loudly. "Nice try, Captain Planet... but without heart, you're just Aang, the Last Airbender!"

Cody gasped. "He used the M. Night pronunciation!"

Trent growled in anger as he lifted up his sword.

"Let's kick his ass!"

* * *

A lovestruck Tyler and an attentive Owen stood off to the side as Lindsay chatted with Katie and Sadie.

"I have to say," Lindsay stated as she looked around at the destruction, "this isn't what I pictured when I agreed to let you two redesign the entire business district."

"It's so not our fault, Princess Lindsay!" Sadie told her.

"That's right," nodded Katie. "Some jerk started wrecking stuff before we could even decide what color to repaint the buildings on Main Street."

"We're going with carnation pink and orange-smelling orange, BTW."

"I love it!" Lindsay exclaimed before getting serious. "This guy, though... I'm going to have to take care of him! This would be the part where I'd say his destruction will lower property values for years to come... but I don't even know what that means."

The three girls then started running towards the battle a few blocks away. Once out of earshot, Tyler finally snapped out of his daze.

"Did you see her, Owen? Did you see her?"

"I did. But I don't think she matches the description LeShawna gave us yesterday."

"Who cares about that? She's a blonde! A beautiful, gorgeous, buxom blonde! She's... she's... she's..."

"She's what, Tyler?"

"She's just the girl I'm looking forrrrr!" Tyler sang, albeit a bit off-key.

"Um... I don't think we have the rights to use that song..."

"After my future wife!" declared Tyler, taking off after Lindsay.

"Wait a minute!" Owen tried to object. "I can't run as fast as you!"

Owen huffed and puffed as he followed Tyler as best as he could.

* * *

Duncan was laughing even more maniacally as Trent's sword lied at his feet, split into two parts, and an unknown number of pieces of rubber of various colors were scattered across the battlefield. Trent and Cody themselves were on the ground as well, lying bruised and battered. Their heads were right alongside one another, as Trent was lying on his stomach and Cody on his backside.

Seeing the boys pretty much incapacitated, Duncan started casually walking over towards Gwen. And although Gwen was breathing normally again, she was unable to move as reciting four elemental spells almost simultaneously had temporarily paralyzed her arms and legs. She was also lying on her back, with her knees sticking up in the air, and was trying to figure out what to do as she saw Duncan coming her way.

Even more so when he stopped laughing and started smiling.

"Don't come any closer!" Gwen threatened. "I know how to escape psychos like you... I've seen the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre!'"

"Really? What's your favorite part, Gwen? Mine's any part where **SOMEBODY DIES**!"

Duncan then reached for the start cord on his chainsaw several times, and each time only pulled it hard enough to rev its engine.

"Heh heh..." Gwen gulped, "I sure walked into that one, didn't I?"

"**GWEN!**" Trent and Cody yelled simultaneously.

Duncan tried to start his chainsaw for real this time, but he got interrupted mid-pull... by a pebble hitting him in the face.

"Alright, whose bright idea was that?"

Duncan turned to see... Katie and Sadie, holding each other in sure terror... and pointing fingers at one another.

"I didn't throw it, but I'll take the blame for it!"

Lindsay stepped out from behind the two girls, standing proudly with her hands on her hips.

"This should be good," Duncan snickered, waiting to see where Lindsay was going with this.

Tyler arrived on the scene, coming to a stop and bending over as he attempted to catch his breath. Katie and Sadie clapped in delight, but Lindsay ignored them all as her attention was solely on Duncan.

"**I AM LINDSAY, THE RULER OF SHALLOW FALLS, AND AS SUCH...** do you mind if you leave? Because, seriously, your redecorating decisions leave a lot to be desired."

"Ha! Sweetie, I don't think you realize who you're up..."

"Wait wait wait!" interrupted Lindsay. "I forgot my theme music! Do over!"

"Huh? Theme music?"

Lindsay snapped her fingers, expecting to hear her theme music playing. Katie and Sadie glanced at each other, trying to figure out what to do. The stereo was back with the stagecoach. When Lindsay snapped a second time, the girls hastily resorted to desperate measures...

They began to sing.

"California girls, we're unforgettable! Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top!"

The lyrics were easily forgettable, because Katie and Sadie's signing was so off-key that nearby intact windows were breaking and everyone around them was screaming in pain, their hands held up to their ears, trying to drown out the sound... but to no avail. But, in addition to the singing girls themselves, Lindsay appeared unaffected. In fact, she was bobbing her head and toe-tapping to the beat.

"How does this even make sense?" Duncan managed to yell over the terrible singing. "You're from Canada, the song refers to California, and this town is like a minuscule facsimile of New York City!"

Then, without warning, the girls' loud screeching is enough to send nuts and bolts flying from Duncan's idle chainsaw, eventually resulting in the tool breaking into a pile of pieces at his feet.

"Ugh! I don't have to take this! I'm outta here!"

Duncan whistled for a ride out of Shallow Falls, and one entered in the form of a flying carpet. Once it came to a stop, Duncan climbed on, pointed the shortest way out of the city, and he was gone. Coincidentally, at that exact moment, Katie and Sadie had finished singing Lindsay's theme song.

"Nobody's ever run away from my theme song before," commented Lindsay. "Strange."

* * *

Ten minutes later, after Trent, Cody, and Gwen had all drank potions to recover their strength, and Owen had arrived on the scene, the entire group was surveying the damage left behind by Duncan.

"Looks like there's only one thing we can do," Lindsay sighed.

Lindsay snapped her fingers, at which Sadie reached into the pocket of her short shorts and pulled out an all-black credit card with Lindsay's name on it and a picture of her in the bottom right corner.

"For everything you've ever wanted... and then some," she proclaimed, "there's only one card you can trust. The Lindsay Card! If you don't have one, you ain't worth a billion dollars!"

She then handed the card to Sadie, who jumped up and down in glee... as did Katie.

"Do whatever you need, girls... I trust in you!"

"**EEEEEEE!**" Katie and Sadie screamed, forcing everyone else to cover their ears again.

The two girls pulled out cell phones the size of thumbtacks, and started making some calls.

"How did you do that?" Tyler asked, walking up behind Lindsay. "That was incredible!"

"Oh... so you liked my theme song to-..."

Lindsay turned around to face Tyler, and the second she did, her mouth stopped moving. The two of them became lost in each other's eyes, and they just stared for minutes on end.

"I guess we found Bridgette's replacement," declared Trent.

Gwen raised her finger to object, but Cody shot a look at her.

"Gwen... you promised!"

Gwen sighed. "Fine. But no more schilling for companies, okay?"

Trent, Cody, and Owen shrugged their shoulders, not knowing what Gwen was talking about...

As she stood there with Hot Topic decals pasted on her leotard, cape, skirt, and the spell book in her hand.

***** To be continued... *****  
**[this space available for advertising]**


	8. That's All You Can Say!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

In this chapter, two characters who each were only in TDI for one competition episode make their debut. But we start, though, with someone we missed seeing last chapter.

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

* * *

Lightning crashed down from the heavens, all around a dark castle sitting all by its lonesome self, near the edge of a cliff.

Inside the castle, torches lit the hallway heading towards a chamber at the end, one which could only be entered by opening a set of doors that were so large, they could've been used in a giant's house.

Upon stepping inside the chamber, the sound of a young woman complaining could be heard. Naturally, it was Courtney, who was standing before the King himself... whose identity was shrouded in mystery. That's because there were no sources of light anywhere near his throne, which meant all Courtney could see was the big, imposing shadow of his figure.

"It says here," argued Courtney, holding up a 30-page contract with one hand and slapping it with the back of her other, "that I get three chapters to kill the good guys!"

"What are you talking about?" the King retorted. "You **GOT** three!"

"No I didn't! They spent my third hearing a story about a princess, who strangely sounds like someone I know, who was kidnapped on the day she was supposed to get married! On top of that, Duncan then stole the plan I was going to use for my third chapter!"

"Look, Courtney... we have it structured so that each of the Four Horsemen gets their shot!"

A self-standing scroll appeared just to the left of Courtney. It showed a hierarchy of five names, with the King on top.

"Harold had his three, you had yours, now it's Duncan's turn, then it'll be that person with seven letters in their name, and, if you all should fail... and my sources say yes, you all will... then it'll be up to me to stop those suckers!"

"But... but..."

"Thirteen divided by five equals three! Do the math!"

"I don't know what clown college you graduated from, but I won't stand for this!" Courtney stomped her foot. "I'm calling my attorney... or whatever passes for them in this silly parody."

Courtney turned to walk out of the chamber...

"Fine," the King sighed. "You can have your third chapter."

Courtney stopped, and smiled as she looked back at the King.

"Really? Finally... someone who sees things the same way I do!"

-[I wanna be, I wanna...]-

"Actually... I changed my mind."

The barrel end of a strange gun emerged from the darkness. A second later, a strange yellow ray was emitted from it, and it hit Courtney in the head before she knew it.

"Now... go join Harold in the dungeon and do... whatever it is you teenagers do in a dark room all by yourselves."

Courtney, whose pupils had been replaced by purple swirls in her eyes, nodded her head.

"I'll make sure it's something that can't be stated in a T-rated fic."

The King laughed maniacally as Courtney walked out of the room, casually tossing her contract in the wicker trashcan by the door.

"Oh, man..." the King caught his breath, "Duncan had have better brought his A-plus game... 'cause there's no way anything else in this chapter tops that! Oh ho... fanon pairings rock!"

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Eight - That's All You Can Say! (08.23.10)**  
**-**

A two-horse stagecoach was making its way along a dirt path, surrounded on both sides by fields of grain. Inside the coach sat five of the six members of the traveling party. Lindsay and Tyler were sitting on the side facing the front, while Gwen was sandwiched between Trent and Cody on the other.

"Thanks for letting me come along," complimented Lindsay, "even though I'm not the princess you're looking for."

"No biggie," Trent reassured her. "We're just glad to have another girl in the group again."

"I have to admit," Gwen spoke up, "that the last few days have changed my opinion of you. I'm glad you're part of the team!"

"Really?" Lindsay smiled. "No one's said that to me since I was a back-up infielder in high school!"

* * *

_"And our players would've never have had the drive to win the national championship if the team didn't have this player around for them to try and impress," a male adult stated aloud. The winner of the 'I'm glad you're part of the team' award, which will be renamed after her starting this year... Lindsay!"_

_A loud round of applause could be heard as Lindsay, dressed in her very loosely fitting blue-with-white-stripes baseball uniform, was handed her statuette... which was a bronzed baseball glove._

_"Everyone on the team deserves this award," Lindsay stated, "because I've never been around a nicer group of boys... well, ever!"_

_Lindsay blew a kiss to the audience, directed not only to her entire all-male team... but also every member of the team hers beat in the title game._

* * *

"Funny thing is..." Lindsay recalled, "is that our championship trophy got taken away a few weeks later. They said I was an ineligible player."

"Because you're a girl?" Tyler asked.

"Well, that... and because a lot of parents on other teams complained I was too much of a distraction."

"Gee, I wonder why?" quipped Gwen as she stared at Lindsay's chest.

"Me too! If only I had an answer..."

Suddenly, they felt their stagecoach slow to a stop.

"What's going on?" Cody asked out loud. "We can't be at our next destination yet!"

Lindsay stuck her head out the window to look up at the driver.

"Are we there yet?" she asked.

The five of them got out of the stagecoach to see what was going on, when Gwen made an astute observation. The driver was a coconut.

Mr. Coconut.

"How did..."

"You like?" Lindsay pointed him out. "The best part is... he works for nothing!"

"Hey!" Tyler interrupted. "Look at this!"

The girls walked over and saw Tyler was standing at a fork in the road, and there was a wooden signpost. To the right was Old Purity Ville, to the left was a place called Shunned, and back in the direction from where they had come was Chocolate Land.

"The other coach is catching up!" Cody shouted.

A second stagecoach, this one pulled by six horses, came to a stop right behind the first. But what was strange about it was that there was a ten-foot long, four-wheel trailer attached to the back of the coach.

"I wonder how Owen's doing," Cody wondered as he walked towards the back.

"Nice stop, Mr. Coconut," complimented Trent as he walked past the coconut atop the second coach.

Cody and Trent made their way to the back end of the trailer, where Mr. Coconut dropped in and pushed the latch down, opening the door. As the doors swung open, the two guys gasped at the sight that laid before them.

"Ohhhhhh..."

Owen was lying on his back, moaning and groaning in pain. There were empty cardboard boxes and candy wrappers all over the place.

"Dude!" Trent shouted. "So not cool!"

Owen burped.

"Do you remember what we had to go through to get this year's supply of chocolate?" Cody asked, upset.

* * *

_"**HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!**" the four guys yelled._

_Trent, Cody, Owen, and Tyler were all tied up with rope and being lowered into a boiling vat of chocolate by a machine. Meanwhile, Gwen and Lindsay were bound to chairs and blindfolded while Izzy, dressed as if she were a life-size bonbon, was testing them on their knowledge of different chocolate-based items... by force feeding the items into their mouths. The most recent of which was egg-shaped in nature._

_"Was that last one a Kat Kit?" asked Lindsay. "Because that tasted strangely like a cat."_

_"**YOU'RE TRYING REALLY HARD TO MAKE THIS AN ALL GIRLS STORY, AREN'T YOU?**" Izzy yelled as she slapped Lindsay upside her head._

* * *

"Thank goodness Gwen knew what a 6th Street bar tasted like," Trent said with relief.

"Still... how did you eat all of that in two days?" Cody wondered.

"What can I say," Owen sat up, shrugging his shoulders. "I have a bottomless pit for a stomach!"

* * *

"Guess what, guys?"

Tyler, Gwen, and Lindsay turned around to see Trent and Cody walking towards them, as well as Owen, who was groaning as he held his stomach in pain and his mouth was covered with chocolate.

"Why did I **NOT** see this coming?" Gwen rolled her eyes in dismay.

"We're going to have to go into the city to get some supplies," Trent announced, before pointing to his sword. "Also, I desperately need to fix this sword, which I've left broken for two weeks despite all the dangerous creatures that we've come across since we left Shallow Falls."

"And I need to replace all of my weapons," added Cody, as he held up his duffel bag full of... assorted colors of rubber ball remains.

Trent and Cody unhooked the four Mr. Coconuts attached to the trailer and tossed them aside, and they unhitched the coach as well. They then hooked up the trailer to the back of the two horses and then climbed aboard.

"Don't worry, Gwen," Cody said to her. "We'll catch up to you guys in Old Purity Ville.

"Just be on the lookout for Duncan," Trent warned her.

"I'll be fine, you worrywarts!" Gwen exclaimed. "Nothing's going to happen!"

Satisfied by that response, Trent and Cody ordered their horses to start moving, and they headed down the left fork, towards the city of Shunned, pulling the trash-filled trailer behind them.

* * *

Not too much later, Mr. Coconut drove the stagecoach carrying Gwen, Owen, Tyler, and Lindsay into the township of Old Purity Ville. But it was just basically acres and acres of farmland. And not good farmland, either, as the land was barren and decrepit. There wasn't a single stalk of corn, a single grain of wheat, a vine with either a tomato or a grape growing from it... absolutely nothing.

"Everyone must be too busy playing FarmVille to actually farm," noted Tyler.

Lindsay gasped. "You play FarmVille too? Gift me something!"

Tyler smiled as he took out his does-everything-but-make-phone calls device and turned it on. But before he could attempt to log onto the Internet, his device was destroyed...

He instantly saw why. Someone had just stabbed the long, middle prong of a farming pitchfork right through the center of the screen.

"Omelette du fromage!"

The device was then yanked away, still attached to the pitchfork. The foursome looked to whom was holding the farm item, and saw that it was Ezekiel. He was wearing a black dress shirt, black pants, black shoes, and a straw hat... covered completely in black polyester.

"Dude!" Tyler yelled. "What's the deal?"

"I wouldn't do that," Owen warned him. "He kinda looks sad."

Owen stepped forward and pulled, from his brown pants, a leftover candy wrapper.

"Um... I'm sorry for your loss?"

"Omelette du fromage!" Ezekiel yelled.

"Gah!" Owen shouted, before fleeing and hiding behind Gwen. "I thought you were supposed to give gifts to relatives of the deceased!"

"You think he's going to a funeral?" Gwen chuckled. "Hardly."

Gwen stepped forward as Ezekiel pulled Tyler's device off of his pitchfork and threw it on the ground. Tyler, Lindsay, and Owen watched, unsure of what Ezekiel would do next.

"Ezekiel's clearly this story's interpretation of... of... of... the people who wear nothing but black all the time!"

"So you're telling me..." Lindsay tried to clarify, "that goths can farm? Heh... you learn something new every day!"

"Omelette du fromage!"

"Hmmm..." hummed Gwen as she squatted down in front of Ezekiel and looked into his eyes. "That definitely sounded French, but he doesn't look like he's from Quebec..."

"Omelette du fromage!" gasped Ezekiel.

Gwen saw Ezekiel's shocked face as he pointed at her spell book, which was partially sticking out of a pocket in her cape. Ezekiel grabbed Gwen by the arm and pulled her in the direction of a barn in the distance.

"Let go!" Gwen ordered.

She tried to pull herself free, but Ezekiel had surprisingly strong grip.

"Gwen's in trouble!" Owen finally realized. "We've got to save her!"

Owen, Tyler, and Lindsay quickly gave chase.

* * *

The trio caught up to Ezekiel on the other side of the barn, where they saw he had already managed to tie her arms and legs to a 10-foot stake.

"Maybe this is how the culture here says hello," Tyler thought out loud.

"Um, guys?" Gwen looked at them, a little worried.

Ezekiel ran to the side of the barn, and returned a few seconds later, pushing a wheelbarrow full of logs, sticks, and kindling towards Gwen.

"Omelette du fromage!"

Ezekiel dumped the wood into a pile at Gwen's feet, and then started spreading it around her and the stake.

"Ooh, ooh!" Owen raised his hand, getting an idea. "Maybe there's some sort of initiation process that you have to go through before you're even allowed to walk among them!"

"That's gotta be it," Tyler and Lindsay agreed.

"Guys?" Gwen called out again.

Gwen was getting more frightened as the wood had been completely spread out around her and the stake she was tied to. Ezekiel walked over to a torch that was conveniently lit nearby and picked it up.

"Omelette du fromage!" Ezekiel yelled, raising the torch with fury. "Omelette du fromage!"

"I've got it!" Lindsay declared. "Ezekiel thinks Gwen is a witch, so he's going to burn her at the stake. If she dies, then he'll know that she's not a witch!"

Ezekiel lowered the torch into the woodpile, trying to ignite it.

"That makes perfect sense!" Tyler exclaimed. "So that **CAN'T** be it!"

"**GREAT SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS!**" Owen yelled, finally wising up.

Owen opened his mouth and started sucking up air. He aimed at the torch, but instead he ended up pulling all of the wood around Gwen towards him. Seconds later, Owen's head was sticking out of the entrance of a doghouse that had been created by the pieces of wood that had come to him.

"Um... woof?"

"Omelette du fromage! **OMELETTE DU FROMAGE!**"

Still holding the torch, Ezekiel tried to use it to light the stake... which happened to also be made of wood. But Gwen put a stop to that attempt quickly.

"Air!"

A splash of water flew from the fingers on Gwen's right hand, extinguishing the flames of the torch. Seeing his plot foiled, Ezekiel threw the torch on the ground and started jumping on it, crushing it to bits.

"Omelette du fromage! Omelette du fromage! Omelette du fromage!"

As he continued his temper tantrum, Tyler used his super strength to tear apart the ropes, freeing Gwen from the stake.

"Thanks a lot," Gwen said sarcastically, glaring at Tyler and Lindsay, "I should've gone with Trent and Cody. They wouldn't have let it get this far!"

Gwen then focused her rage on Tyler.

"And you're supposed to have super speed! What's the deal?"

"Uh..." Tyler shrugged, "my powers come and go?"

"And while we're on the subject of powers," Gwen said as she pointed at Lindsay, "what are yours, anyway?"

"Well, you see..."

Before Lindsay could answer, Owen interrupted as he had come over... and pointed out that Ezekiel's temper tantrum was finished.

"Omelette du fromage! Omelette du fromage!"

Or maybe not...

"Say," Owen figured out, "I just noticed that the only thing Zeke's said this whole time is 'Omelette du fromage!' I don't know what that means, but it sounds edible!"

A smile crept across Lindsay's face as she pointed at Ezekiel.

"That's all you can say?"

"Lindsay," Gwen tried to get her attention, "you didn't answer my..."

And she wouldn't finish her sentence, as Lindsay ran over to Ezekiel and starting dancing circles around him, pointing at him while repeating five words over and over again.

"That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say!"

"Omelette du fromage!" Ezekiel yelled as Lindsay continued to tease him. "**OMELETTE DU FROMAGE!**"

"Now I'm getting this strange feeling that I'm four again," Owen stated as he scratched his head and looked at Gwen and Tyler.

"That's all you can say! That's all you can say!"

"Omelette du fromage! Omelette du fromage!"

As Lindsay and Ezekiel continued their back-and-forth, Duncan walked onto the scene from the far side of the barn. And he was not happy with what he was seeing.

"What the heck?" he shouted, getting everyone's attention. "I've been waiting by Old Man Hatchet's farm all chapter long! There's a drought in this region, and I'm trying to make money by selling these country suckers water to use on their crops!"

He held up a bottle of cool, refreshing spring water.

"Your evil plot is selling bottles of water?" questioned Gwen.

"Yes!" Duncan smirked. "For 8 dollars apiece!"

"Dude," growled Tyler. "That's evil."

"I know, right? But now, since all you losers are here, I can make a killing on the market **AND** kill all of you!"

Duncan rubbed his hands in anticipation, but stopped as his eyes scanned the area for a certain pair of people...

* * *

(In the city of Shunned!  
There... so where's my paycheck?)

"Awesome!" Trent smiled as he turned on his lightsaber. "Now **THIS** is a weapon!"

Meanwhile, Cody had a shopping cart full of rubber balls next to him. But all his attention was on the silver one cradled in his arm.

"I can't wait 'til I get outside... I've gotta try it now!"

He reared back and threw it right at Trent's head. But he saw it coming and tilted just enough so that the ball flew right by his ear.

"Dude!"

"Wait for it..."

Just as the ball was about to fly out the front door, it made a 180-degree turn and came back. It clocked Trent on the other side of his head, knocking him to the floor. But the impact also caused him to lose grip on the lightsaber, which flew into the air and flipped several times, end over end, before coming down as well.

A few seconds later, an enthusiastic Cody ran over, the silver ball now back in his hands.

"Did you see that? It works! The heat-sensing dodgeball works! It..."

He then stopped when he looked down, and...

"Eew... that's gonna leave a mark! On the floor!"

* * *

"Not those two!" Duncan shouted. "The other two!"

"What other two?" Owen asked, not sure whom Duncan was referring to.

Duncan sighed. "Well, thankfully this is a silent episode, so I can't hear their wretched singing anyway..."

Everyone looked at Duncan strangely. It didn't take him long to realize the obvious.

"This isn't a silent episode, is it?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Why am I always the last one to hear about script changes? Ugh... let me see somebody's script!"

Gwen walked over and handed hers to Duncan. He quickly scanned it, as everyone waited for him to catch up.

"Aha!" Duncan said as he hit the page he was on with his right index finger. "Here we are... 'Duncan realizes that he's under-prepared for any instance of Katie and Sadie arriving and singing his ears to death, so he decides to bolt and live to fight another day.'"

Duncan realizes that he's under-prepared for any instance of Katie and Sadie arriving and singing his ears to death, so he decides to bolt and live to fight another day.

"You're all dead next time," threatened Duncan, before running off.

"Someone should tell him I left Katie and Sadie back in Shallow Falls," Lindsay said out loud.

* * *

After taking a few minutes to explain why they were there, Ezekiel finally seemed to calm down, to the group's relief. With that done, they could move onto more pressing issues.

"Alright, Lindsay," Gwen confronted her. "Confession time!"

"Okay," surrendered Lindsay, "I'm pretty, and smart, and I get along with everyone... even ugly girls. Uh huh. I **LOVE** camping... even though I've never gone. I have bikinis for every season, **EVEN** the ones not listed on the calendar, **AND** I'm bi-languagal! I speak fluent English and American!"

Tyler then whispered something into Lindsay's ear.

"Ohhhhh... that confession!"

Lindsay clicked her heels three times... and a white robe materialized around her body. As did a white wizard's hat on her head.

"You're a white mage?"

"Yeah... but I don't like the funky hat. It ruins my hair."

Lindsay then took said hat and held it in her hand.

"So instead of us using all those potions to heal ourselves last time... you could've used your powers to heal us?"

"Actually... no. I'm only at Level Two. I have enough of those magic points thingies to heal one person. Halfway. A day."

"Man," Owen stepped in before Gwen could react, "you're not very useful, are you?"

"You take that back!" Tyler defended Lindsay. "She can be useful... if we can find someone to train her!"

The group then heard someone cough. They turned around and saw Ezekiel standing before them.

"Go to the mountains over yonder, eh!" Ezekiel told them. "There's this hip master that'll teach her everything she needs to know. Oh, and she'll help you with all your other quests, too! I'll draw you a map to show you the fastest way there, eh!"

Ezekiel turned around to walk to the barn, when his right foot stepped down on a rake. It shot up, the handle came forward and clocked Ezekiel in the nuts. He fell to the ground, doubled over in pain, holding his aching tender area.

"Omelette du fromage!" he cried.

"Bummer," Owen said sadly. "He's no use to us now."

Owen, Gwen, and Tyler started to walk away as Ezekiel rolled back and forth on the ground, still in excruciating pain. Lindsay stayed behind... to laugh and point and dance around in circles.

"That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say!"

***** To be continued... *****  
**[we're educational and funny]**


	9. I Think I'm Pregnant

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

I apologize for the complete randomness of the first-third of this chapter. Then again, that's all attributed to a certain someone...

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

Warning: This chapter contains suggestive content that may not be suitable for children. Reader discretion is advised.

* * *

A stone sign that read 'Wall Street, 5 miles' stood alongside a tree-lined paved road that happened to be more than 5000 feet above sea level, making it uneasy for anyone trekking up by foot.

(Our hearty travelers quickly come upon their next destination  
As they now search for a master to teach Lindsay magic)

Trent was wearing shoulder pads that had faux-blades sticking out. Cody had on a T-shirt with the words 'You have died...' visible on it, as he was covering the rest of it with his crossed-over arms. Gwen seemed to be limping up the hill, to no one's concern strangely enough. Owen was shivering in fear, mumbling something incoherent as he walked. Lindsay was in a simple frilly white dress and had a bright yellow wig on, though it was hard to see it as it blended in with her natural blonde locks... and her skin was all blue. And she was pushing a wheelchair holding Tyler, who was wrapped completely in bandages from head to toe.

(What the... how long has it been since the last chapter?)

"I 'unno," Trent shrugged. "Three months, I think."

(**THREE MONTHS?** How did I... I mean, we, miss three months?  
What crazy adventures did you get into while we were gone?)

"Well," Cody began, "Trent had been invited to tryout for the Central States Barbarians football team, part of the new XXXFL. It took all of 10 seconds at practice for him to quit when he found out what the triple-X stood for."

"Everyone wears pads..." shuddered Trent, "and that's it!"

"He kept the shoulder pads because they're stuck on him. As for Lindsay, she decided to go to a costume party dressed up as Smurfette. She was so popular that she decided to stay in the costume full time! She gets up before sunrise every morning to touch up her paint job!"

"Isn't this the most smurfalicious day ever?" Lindsay brightly asked.

"She even tried to get Gwen's name legally changed to Sassette, FYI. The key word is 'tried.' Tyler... man, he went to a 'Total Drama' fan convention."

"Being smothered by girls wasn't a dream!" Tyler screamed. "It was a nightmare!"

"Owen volunteered to be a guinea pig in a little experiment. He was nearly eaten by crocodiles, air-breathing and land-walking sharks, a scorpion the size of a high school, and 22 teens who had just come back from being stranded on an island with no food or water for two weeks. But he went through all of that... just because they promised him cake."

"The cake is a lie!" Owen cried. "The cake is a lie!"

"After all that, we hit the Oregon Trail. Our stagecoach got carried away by a river, and we wandered west on our feet for weeks until I got dysentery, and died."

Cody then showed off the rest of his shirt. Under the words 'You have died' was a covered wagon, and under that, the words 'of dysentery' were printed.

"I don't even know what the heck dysentery is! Needless to say, we were out of Animate Mes and miles from civilization, so Gwen took up necromancy to try and bring me back from the dead. When that didn't work, she resorted to alchemy. I'm back in the world of living, but she had to sacrifice a few things."

Cody pointed at Gwen, who was literally a robot from the waist down.

"Equivalent exchange is the biggest load of crock!" exclaimed Gwen.

"We found someone who could graft her torso onto that at a good price. And between you and me..."

Cody raised his eyebrows craftily.

"I'd still hit that."

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Nine - I Think I'm Pregnant (08.30.10)**  
**-**

(Okay, we just spent 500 dollars fixing the timeline  
So now it's only been three weeks since the last chapter.)

Everyone's back in their normal costumes and selves, save for Lindsay... because she looks so dang cute in the Smurfette dress.

We made her wash off all the blue paint, though.

And, yes, they really do no longer have their stagecoach...

"We're still heading for Wall Street, right?" asked Cody.

(Yes, you're still heading for Wall Street.  
That's actually part of the storyline.)

Gwen pointed at a nearby altitude marker, which stated that they were approximately 5300 feet above sea level.

"Uh... I think your directions are messed up."

(Oh no, Gwen, this is the **OTHER** Wall Street.  
The Wall Street of the West!)

They got to the top of the hill and finally saw the giant village-city that lied before them, at the foot of the Pebble Mountains.

"Civilization at last!" Trent yelled.

"And that means... **FOOD!**" shouted Owen. "Lots and lots of **FOOD**!"

The six teenagers cheered as they started sprinting down the other side of the hill and towards the city limits.

(While they celebrate seeing real food,  
And people other than themselves  
Let me find out why this chapter started so wrong.)

* * *

Izzy had her face up against the computer screen as she typed away on a keyboard in the writer's room.

"Chapter 11," Izzy said her thoughts aloud as they appeared on the screen. "Lindsay is pregnant, Cody is the first man on Saturn **AND** Noah, Trent gets sent a million years into the future, Lindsay is pregnant **AGAIN**, Tyler gets forced to play the worst video game in history for 24 hours straight for charity, Lindsay gets pregnant for the third time, Owen wins the lottery, Gwen gets everything she's ever wanted in life only to realize that she really didn't need everything for her to be happy..."

Izzy stopped and inhaled deeply to catch her breath, and then...

"**AND** Lindsay has triplets! Gee, it's like the girl's a rabbit, or something! Six babies in 20 kilos of text... whew!"

Izzy then leaned back in her seat and used the mouse to click on the 'Send' button.

"Easiest chapter ever written!"

(Hey! What are you doing in here?)

"Trying to earn this fanfic an Emmy! What else?"

* * *

(Ahem... now that the Izzy issue is resolved,  
We're sorry if we got anyone's hopes up.)

Heather snickered as she held up a four-inch Lindsay plush doll with one hand and poked the front side of it continuously with a breadstick.

"For once, crazy girl has a good idea."

(And what are you...  
You're not supposed to enter 'til later!  
Besides, that's not how you get someone pregnant!)

"How would she know? She's blonde!"

* * *

Lindsay clutched her stomach as it rumbled in pain.

"Uh, Tyler? I think I'm pregnant."

"**WHAT?**"

Tyler then fainted on the spot, in the middle of the street.

"Heh heh," Owen chuckled. "Tyler's a father!"

"I won't accept this!" Cody objected. "Besides, the only person I'd want to see get pregnant is..."

Baseball bat to the face!

"Don't you **DARE** finish that sentence!" scolded Gwen.

(You know what... enough of this off-topicness!  
We're skipping straight to nighttime!)

* * *

The six adventurers were gathered in a hotel room, resting after resupplying and getting information on where to go next.

"So apparently rumor has it that a master magician lives up in the Pebble Mountains," Cody informed the group. "If there's anyone in the world that can teach Lindsay how to be a white mage, it's her."

"Well, it's settled then," Trent decided, "we're going mountain climbing tomorrow!"

"In that case," Gwen said as she stood up from the chair she was sitting in, "we'd better hit the hay."

Gwen headed for the door, and Lindsay followed her... but not before blowing a kiss goodnight to Tyler. Once they had exited, the boys started to talk amongst themselves.

"So..." Tyler looked at Owen, "can you get a girl pregnant if I've never gotten to first base?"

As they discussed the issue, Trent and Cody had one of their own on their minds.

"You know what I just realized," Trent said to Cody, "we're about two-thirds of the way through this story, and we haven't spent much time trying to actively win Gwen's heart."

"One of us has to have at least scored a few points, right?" Cody asked.

(The Battle Over Gwen - 9th Chapter  
Trent - Square root of infinity  
Cody - Crudely drawn picture of a cheetah's head)

"Clearly, it's still anyone's game," Cody commented.

Trent scratched his head. "You actually **GOT** that?"

"It's actually very simple to explain. You see..."

* * *

"Are you guys **STILL** cracking jokes?" an irate Duncan asked. "I'm supposed to be kicking your asses! That's it... I challenge you all, **RIGHT NOW!**"

It was the next day, and Duncan was standing on an inclined mountainous road, looking down at the six heroes, shaking his hook-for-a-left-hand furiously at them.

"But we were about to do a 'pass gas' joke," Owen argued... before actually tooting on the spot. "Oops... never mind!"

"Fine," Trent said.

He then turned towards the others to select three of them for battle.

"Okay, I choose myself, Tyler, and..."

"Before you go choosing blondie," Duncan warned, "I already know Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum aren't with her, and that her healing powers are non-existent!"

"Darn," Cody snapped his fingers, "so much for bluffing."

"Okay, then..." Trent changed his mind. "Our third will be Gwen."

Gwen and Tyler stepped forward, with her opening up her spell book and him closing his fists.

"You've chosen your team," Duncan smiled, "so now let me show you mine."

Duncan stepped back and pointed out two giant boulders, positioned on either side of him.

"You're fighting us with rocks?" Lindsay asked. "This battle's outcome's feeling rocky."

"Go ahead and joke," Duncan said as he reached behind one of the boulders, "because it's the last thing you'll ever laugh about."

Duncan pulled out a detonator plunger, which had wires connected to it, running to who knows where.

"Oh, look!" Gwen said sarcastically. "Duncan's going to blow us up! Now my life is complete!"

Duncan pushed the plunger in, and an explosion ripped through the mountainside. The area in which the six heroes were standing on disappeared in an instant, leaving behind nothing but flying rock debris, a giant cloud of black smoke, and what looked to be the remnants of a map... on fire!

"I... did it..." Duncan paused as he realized his plan had worked. "I did it! Yeah, baby!"

He made his way down the inclined road as the smoke started to clear. A giant bottomless crater had replaced the plot of land where Trent and company had just been standing. He turned to his right, and saw the last few inches of the map finally burn away. With glee, he looked straight on at the computer screen.

"That's right, readers! It's over! The bad guys have won! And there's no reset button on a computer, so your favorite characters are gone! Gone forever! And without any heroes, this story's over! So get a-typin' on those keyboards of yours, voicing your displeasure that this thing's over without your promised thirteen chapters! And don't think there's any chance of revival, because the few people you losers haven't seen yet aren't significant anyway!"

"If the story's over, meathead, then why am I here?"

Duncan turned around to see Heather glaring at him. Unlike earlier, she was now in costume, wearing a chest-covering wooden tank top, a plain cotton white skirt that barely hid her aluminum underwear, and nearly knee-length black rubber heeled boots.

Duncan nearly fell backwards in laughter, but thought better of it when he realized how close he was to falling into the giant crater. So he fell forward, and upon hitting the ground laughed heartily, pounding his fists hysterically as tears of joy streamed from his eyes.

"What's so funny?" Heather growled, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Does anyone have a woodpecker, a beaver, or a jar full of termites I can borrow?" Duncan smirked. "Because I know what I wanna see tonight!"

"Get bent, you perv!"

"And what's with the tin knickers? Lemme guess... it's an Everlast?"

"Ooh!" Heather stomped her foot in anger. "I'm only wearing it because Bridgette was supposed to for a gag and she refused! It cost several thousand dollars to make, so **SOMEONE** had to use it!"

"Oh, come on, toots. You're telling me someone, with your sway, willingly wants to wear that thing?"

"It's actually roomier than you think... ugh, can we **STOP** talking about my outfit! Gwen and her goody-goodies are still alive, and I'm here to clean up your mess!"

"Nice try, Heather, but everyone knows that you were voted 'Most Likely to Never Tell the Truth... Ever!' So I hope you don't take it personally when I say... **I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!**"

"Oh, yeah?" Heather raised an eyebrow. "Then tell me, why are we still here, and all of the people reading this story just laughed at your Everlast joke?"

Duncan turned, took one good look at the computer screen, and...

Cursed.

"[**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**]"

Heather rolled her eyes.

"Are you done?"

"Wait... [**BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!**]. Okay, now I'm done."

Duncan tied one end of a rope to a nearby tree trunk and threw the other end down the giant crater.

"Let the master show you how it's done!" Heather said as she grabbed a hold of the rope and started climbing down into the hole.

"'Let the master show you how it's done,'" Duncan mocked Heather's tone of voice nearly perfectly as he got into position and followed her down. "Dames always gotta be in control on this stupid show..."

* * *

"Ugh, where are we?"

"Not sure."

"Trent, that **IS** your shoulder I'm touching, right?"

"Well, Cody, it feels like your hand. I... guess. Have we ever touched before, because I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like."

"Don't turn this into a you-know-what moment!"

"What? I never even mentioned your kiss with Noah!"

"Gah! Trent!"

"Sorry!"

"And he was the one on me, by the way!"

"Alright... if you say so."

"Anyway, if my left hand is on your shoulder, then my right hand is... oh boy."

"What?"

"I... I think I feel boob!"

"Damn it, Cody! We agreed to rules of engagement in wooing Gwen, and you clearly just violated one!"

"And you expect me to see what I'm grabbing? Last time I checked, **I CAN'T SEE IN THE DARK!**"

The two went silent for a few seconds. And then...

"Scoot over, I want in."

* * *

"You know, when I thought about what it would be like in the afterlife..." Lindsay said aloud, "I didn't expect it to be so dark. Or that landing on my tush would be so... soft!"

"Ugh..." someone grumbled underneath her. "That's because... you landed on my back, Lindsay!"

Lindsay gasped. "Thomas?"

"Oh, now we finally do the 'you forgot my name' bit."

"Just kidding! I know it's you, Tyler!"

"That's a relief. If... only it... didn't hurt to talk! I... think my back is... broken."

"How can you tell?"

"When you can't feel your back... you know it's broken. That, or it's no longer attached to me."

"Then... how are you alive?"

"I... I don't know."

A few seconds later, the sounds of turning could be heard. And then...

"**AAARRRGGGHHH!**"

"Yeah!" Lindsay cheered. "You found your back!"

"I... guess it's still... still attached. And it **HURTS LIKE NO PAIN I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE**!"

"Aww, you poor thing! You want me to kiss it and make it all better?"

"I... I really don't see... guh... how that's gonna... blech... hel..."

Tyler's voice was suddenly replaced by the sound of smooching lips, a noise that was the only thing that could be heard for about ten seconds.

And then, there was silence.

"Better?"

"Much be... **ARGH!** Nope, still hurts, **STILL HURTS... YARRRRRRRR!**"

* * *

Sounds of rubbing and squishing could be heard in the darkness.

"Don't you feel weird that we're doing this... and she's not objecting one bit?"

"Meh... it's better if you don't think of it."

"You know, now that I think about it... this kinda feels wrong."

"If you wanna get technical, then of course it is."

"Okay, sure, Cody, but... I was actually thinking that... 'they' feel much bigger than I thought they'd be."

"Yeah. And I've never known her to sweat anywhere near this much!"

The rubbing and squishing noises came to abrupt stop.

"Uh oh..." both boys said.

"Why'd you guys stop?" questioned the third body in the darkness.

It definitely didn't sound like Gwen. It sounded a lot like...

"**OWEN!**"

Seconds later, the darkness was partially replaced by light as Trent turned on a flashlight with his free hand. It was at that moment that he and Cody saw what the fingers had been telling them for the past few minutes.

They each had a hand on one side of Owen's chest. And to make matters worse, he was completely naked.

Trent and Cody cringed in disbelief as they released their grip on Owen's 'man boobs,' and then they felt their mouths fill with puke. They ran in opposite directions to go throw up; the flashlight dropped out of Trent's hand, fell to the ground, and rolled over to Owen's side.

"What?" Owen shrugged his shoulders as he sat up, the flashlight now in his hand and pointed to his face. "You guys **HAVE** seen me naked before!"

* * *

"So, Lindsay, since I can't move and I'm probably paralyzed for life, I just have to ask... when did I get you pregnant?"

"Um, never? I think."

Silence...

"Okay... that was awkward. So, if I didn't get you pregnant..."

Suddenly, the darkness was illuminated by the light of a torch. Tyler was lying on the ground, face-up, and Lindsay was straddling him, her body standing straight up over his stomach. The two of them turned their heads appropriately to the source of light, which was being held by an angry native with a tiki mask, the aforementioned torch in one hand, and a spear in the other.

"**KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE PREGNANCY SCHTICK!**" the native yelled in a deep, booming voice. "**16-YEAR OLDS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING OF BABIES!**"

But neither Tyler or Lindsay heard the guy's words... for the only thing on their minds was the spear in his hand. And the fear that he was going to use it to kill them.

* * *

"Geez, Owen!" Trent said upon his return. "How 'bout a little more warning next time?"

"I can't believe you," Cody gagged, "eewwwww!"

"I was going to say something," Owen explained, "but then all that rubbing started to feel **NICE**!"

"Why are you naked anyway?" Trent asked.

"Dunno," replied Owen. "The explosion blew off all my clothes, I guess. If you could call them clothes, anyway... they were basically as sturdy as a paper bag."

"But all this means we somehow survived the explosion!" Cody exclaimed. "We're alive, guys! **WE'RE ALIVE!**"

"**WOO!**" all three of them screamed in unison. "**WOO, BABY, WOO!**"

They danced around with jubilation, thanking the stars that they were alive.

"That must mean Gwen, Lindsay, and Tyler are alive too," deduced Trent. "And as soon as we find them, it's off to find that master, like we set off to do!"

"Don't worry, Gwen my sweet!" Cody shouted. "We'll be together again soon!"

"Uh..."

Cody and Trent looked at each other, then at Owen, then back at each other.

"The boob thing never happened?"

"The boob thing never happened."

They then gazed at Owen, who nodded in agreement.

"Don't worry," Owen assured them. "I've already forgotten who massaged which side!"

"I guess that'll do," Trent conceded, before remembering something. "Oh, crap... isn't Gwen's worst fear being buried alive? And aren't we some unknown distance underground with no feasible way out?"

"Tyler and Lindsay are with her," Cody seemed sure of himself, "they'll keep her calm..."

* * *

Somewhere else, Gwen was wandering through the caverns, all by her lonesome self. She had made a makeshift torch using pages from her spell book, but they weren't lasting long enough to be of any use.

"Stay calm," she told herself as she lit her sixth torch in six minutes, "you're not dead. Yet. You're alive... buried some unknown and forsaken distance underground, in the mountainside..."

She came upon a cavern wall that had a message on it. It read...

Dear Gwen,

Don't come home until you're married, have children, and your children have children.

Sincerely,  
Gwen's Dad

Before Gwen had a chance to react, her latest paper torch became too hot to hold onto, and she instinctively let go the second she felt the flames reach her fingers. It fell to the ground, and started to burn to ashes quickly.

Gwen pulled out her spell book to rip out a few more pages, but then she noticed she didn't have any left. All that was left was the hardcover, which she hastily tossed onto the fire without thinking.

That actually fueled the fire instantly, sending the flames shooting a few feet upwards. Gwen reacted in fear, calling out one of her spells.

"Air!"

She pointed her ring fingers at the fire, and water gushed out of them in a flash... enough to quickly douse the fire in seconds. Gwen was out of immediate danger, but now she had no light.

"This isn't a problem," she proclaimed aloud. "It's so not a problem! As dire as this is starting to look, I'm not scared at all! I'm the author's favorite character. There's no way he's going to let me die this way. Absolutely, positively, no way..."

* * *

Five minutes later...

"**I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!**" she yelled.

***** To be continued... *****  
**[fret, because I'm NOT pregnant]**


	10. Does This Make Everyone Forget Someone?

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Chapter Ten picks up exactly where Chapter Nine left off. That is, right after this out-of-story cold opening...

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

Warning: This chapter contains suggestive content that may not be suitable for children. Reader discretion is advised.

* * *

"**LASSIE!**"

A rough collie breed dog looked up from having her nose sniffing the ground at the calling of her name. She started running towards the sound.

"**LASSIE!**"

The dog jumped over a simple wooden fence, letting that not stop her as someone continued to call out her name.

Up ahead, a smiling Heather emerged from the house, closing the screen door behind her.

(Starring Heather the Queen Bee...)

Duncan grinned as he dropped his hoe and stopped working on his crops.

(Duncan the Delinquent...)

Gwen walked just ahead and to the right of Lassie, who was trotting behind in step.

(Gwen the Loner, as Timmy...  
And of course... Lassie!)

Gwen was seen running her fingers under Lassie's chin and through her fur, as the dog's tongue hung out with glee.

* * *

(This week's episode... guess who's stuck down the well again?)

"Woof woof woof!" Lassie barked.

Lassie was in a panic, as she jumped up and down around Heather.

"What's got you spooked, girl?"

"Woof woof, woo woof woof!"

"Is this about Gwen? It's Gwen, isn't it!"

"Woof! Woof woof, woof woo woo woof!"

"She fell down the well?"

"Woof!"

"Well, what are we waiting for? We've got to do something!"

* * *

"Hi!" Heather put her best sounding voice out as she talked on the phone inside the house. "I'd like to get an estimate on a headstone..."

"Woof woof woof!" barked Lassie from outside.

"**I KNOW THAT'S YOU IN THAT DOG COSTUME, IZZY, SO GIVE IT A REST, YOU PSYCHO!**"

Heather coughed to regain her calm demeanor, then resumed her inquiry with the person on the other end of the line.

"Yes. Her name is Gwen. What's that... a casket? Nah... she won't need one. She's already been buried."

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Ten - Does This Cave Make Everyone Forget Someone? (09.06.10)**  
**-**

(Our story this week actually begins now  
Deep within the Pebble Mountains  
As Duncan and Heather finally reach the bottom...  
of the so-called bottomless pit.

That's right, we're starting with the villains.  
Deal with it.)

Duncan and Heather were standing on solid ground inside the cavern as the former opened up his lighter, illuminating the area around him.

"You know," Duncan grinned as he looked at Heather's top, "I just thought of another danger of a wooden tank top. You want me to stand here and watch you burn? It's alright, because you like the way it hurts."

"Ugh," Heather stuck her tongue out in disgust. "I don't know what Courtney sees in you, you freak."

"What can I say... the good girls always fall for the bad boys!"

"Well, I'm a bad girl, and if you don't keep that lighter away from me or my clothes, the only action you'll be seeing is my fist in your face!"

"Fine."

"Good. Now, let's track down those losers so we can finish them off, once and for all!"

The two of them started their search, making their way through the caves together.

* * *

"Man, this cave feels like it goes on forever!"

Trent made his observation as he led a worried Cody and a carefree and nude Owen further into the mountain's inner corridors.

"I hope the others are okay," Cody said out loud. "Particularly Gwen. Oh, man... I'll personally never forgive Duncan if I don't see her alive again!"

"But she's a main character!" Owen reassured him. "Gwen's not going to die!"

"Oh yeah? Ever played 'Final Fantasy VII?'"

"No," Trent and Owen answered in unison.

Cody took a few seconds to spoil a major event in the RPG game. Trent didn't take the foreshadowing hint well.

"**GWEN! WHERE ARE YOU? IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, STAY AWAY FROM GUYS WITH REALLY LONG HAIR AND EVEN LONGER SWORDS!**"

* * *

Lindsay and Tyler were frozen in fear as the masked native approached them. He raised his spear in the air, and pointed it at them.

"Please don't kill me!" pleaded Lindsay. "You can't kill the hot girl! Kill Tyler instead!"

"Yes!" Tyler nodded. "Kill me! Lindsay's too hot to die!"

The guy in the tiki mask roared his approval, and Tyler closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable cold grip of death. Lindsay buried her face in her hands, not wanting to see the final blow either. After waiting for a few seconds, the native finally decided what he was going to do.

He placed the torch in a holder attached to the cavern wall to his right, laid the spear next to it, and then removed the tiki mask covering the front side of his body.

Er, her body...

"It's okay... I'm not gonna hurt you guys."

Lindsay and Tyler uncovered or opened their eyes and saw a familiar, yet friendly face standing in front of them.

"Beth!" Lindsay gasped with joy upon seeing her.

Lindsay stood up, ran over, and gave a big hug to her best friend, who took it without hesitation.

"Whoa ho!" Tyler chuckled. "You had us going there for a sec, Beth!"

"Sorry," Beth apologized as Lindsay let her go. "But preventing teen pregnancies are a big deal to me."

The two of them got a good luck at Beth for the first time. She was wearing a green, single-strapped, sleeveless shirt and a grass skirt over brownish knee-length shorts... and tennis shoes on her feet.

"Producers said it was a safety hazard to walk around here barefoot," Beth explained.

"I think it's all cute on you," complimented Lindsay.

"Thanks!"

"So... what are you doing down here? Or in here? I don't know..."

"I live here!"

"Runner-up on 'TDA' to this?" Tyler shook his head. "Man, that bites!"

"It's not as bad as you think," Beth told him. "I'll take you to my pad and show you!"

Lindsay grabbed a hold of the torch while Beth took her giant tiki mask and spear. They began to walk off, seemingly forgetting one tiny little thing...

"Uh, hello!" Tyler yelled as the darkness started to envelop him. "Girls? Broken back, here! Can't move, and... **OW!** Excruciating pain!"

* * *

Trent, Cody, and Owen gasped in surprise when they came across an area of the cave that was illuminated by caged lanterns strewn on either side of them.

"That's strange," commented Trent. "Somebody must live down here."

"If so," Cody deduced, "maybe he can help us find Gwen and the others, as well as how to get out of here."

"And some food," added Owen, licking his lips. "I'm so hungry right now."

* * *

Duncan and Heather came upon a split in the road. One path continued straight ahead, while the other turned left and sloped downward.

"I say we should take the path of the left," Heather pointed at it.

"Really?" Duncan objected. "Because there's no way they could've fallen that far and still be alive."

"Oh? So, what are you suggesting?"

"That we keep going straight ahead! There's gotta be an end to this cave somewhere."

"In a dead end, I say! Look, obviously we're not going to agree on this anytime soon."

"And you're proposing..."

"We split up! Besides, all I want is Gwen. Once I take care of her, I'm outta here!"

"Gwen's got dark magic," Duncan told her. "There's no way you're beating her by yourself."

"Well," smirked Heather as she clenched her fists and started generating dark energy around them, "She's not the only dark one!"

"Pfft, whatever!" Duncan blew her off. "Do what you want..."

Duncan started heading down his path of choice, taking his lighter with him. Once he was out of sight and Heather was enveloped in darkness, she reached for a nearby stalagmite and pushed the top of it in, like a button. She heard a small panel open up in the wall just to her left.

Inside was a pair of night-vision goggles, which she took out and put on.

"There we go!" Heather exclaimed once they were snugly over her eyes. "Who said cheaters never prosper?"

She then ran off, down the other path.

* * *

"Password, please."

Beth and Lindsay were standing in front of a metal door that led the way into the former's cavernous home. The computerized security system kept anyone from getting near the door unless they stated the password first.

"I've never seen anything like it!" gawked Lindsay.

"Eh..." Beth shrugged. "It's common for mountain dwellers in this neck of the woods."

"Bad neighborhood?"

"Ever get spanked by a vampire?"

"No."

"Don't. Happened to me once, couldn't sit down on anything for a month!"

Lindsay gasped.

"Don't worry... he seems to only go after kids. And teens who look like kids. Or people act like kids. Look, just don't do anything kiddie, okay?"

"That's gonna be hard since people call me 'baby' all the time."

Beth didn't hear Lindsay's last statement, as she had again turned her attention to the security system, which again prompted for...

"Password, please."

"The password is..." Beth said aloud, "Brady, Brady, Brady!"

"Password confirmed."

As the door opened, Beth looked back at Lindsay and said...

"I figure I'd give him a shout-out since he's not in this story."

And then stepped inside, only to find someone waiting. Three someones, actually.

"Hi, Beth!" Trent, Owen, and Cody waved hello.

The three boys were sitting on a couch, watching some show on TV. They also happened to be sharing a bag of potato chips, and Owen still wasn't wearing any clothes.

"What the... why the... how did... Owen, why?"

"'Cause I don't have any spare clothes?" Owen shrugged.

Lindsay covered her eyes as she walked over, not wanting to see Owen's junk.

"So how did you guys know the password?" she asked, as she was stopped by Beth before she walked into the couch itself.

"No offense," Cody said to Beth, "but you should pick a better password than your boyfriend's name, stated three times successively."

"We actually kinda find out by luck," Trent explained. "We were talking about the Brady Bunch for some odd, plot-unrelated reason."

"Tee hee," chuckled Owen. "The episode with the football to the nose is classic!"

"I'm glad you're all here," Beth said to them all, "and you decided to include me in your little adventure. But why are you all here in the first place?"

"We fell down here after Duncan tried to blow all of us to kingdom come!" explained Trent.

"By the way," Cody went off-topic, "sweet pad, Beth!"

Cody pointed out the Persian rugs, satellite TV connection, and leather furniture, and running heat, water, and electricity, amongst other high-end things too good to be in a cave dwelling.

"Thanks! You've got to do a lot to stand out in this neighborhood!"

Lindsay gasped as she finally removed her hands from her eyes and took her first gaze upon Beth's 'house.'

"This is incredible! This is ten times better than Katie and Sadie's idea of repainting Main Street carnation pink and orange-smelling orange!"

"Wait," Owen sat up, "they were **SERIOUS** about that?"

Lindsay turned to nod at Owen, but even for her, it only took a split second to look down and realize he was still...

"**GAH!** Owen!"

Owen covered his 'shame' with a pillow.

"Oh, come on! You've seen it, too! Half the world's seen it at this point!"

"Stop it!" whined Lindsay. "The more you talk, the more I want to look at it... I mean, you! **YOU!**"

Beth rolled her eyes as she walked over to her dining table, pulled off the tablecloth without trouble, seeing as there was nothing on top of it, and handed it to Owen.

"Protecting this story's T-rating is priority number one," Beth said.

Everyone turned away as Owen put the tablecloth on and arranged it in a way that it would stay on his body.

"Nice!" Owen chuckled, signifying it was safe for everyone to look again. "This feels like silk!"

"That's because it is," Beth confirmed, before sighing in disbelief. "And it's not cheap, you know."

Beth walked over to a whiteboard that had an assortment of things to do. Already on the list were 'Call Brady x3,' 'Singing Lessons,' and 'Reunite Trent with his Birth Parents.' She wrote 'Buy New Tablecloth' to the list, in big, black letters.

"As I was saying," Lindsay collected her thoughts, "Beth, you SO have to give me the number of your decorator!"

"Actually, it's me," Beth sheepishly admitted.

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"You're hired! And don't worry about housing, because I'll find you a palace in Shallow Falls! Smaller than mine, of course, but a palace is a palace!"

"That's great and all," Cody walked up to them, "but thing is, we didn't want to find Lindsay..."

"Princess Lindsay!" the heiress quickly corrected.

"Uh... Princess Lindsay. We want to find her a master to teach her how to use white magic."

"Oh," Beth lowered her head in disappointment. "I'm a master of a lot of things, but that's not one of them."

"Man!" Owen threw his hands up in frustration. "Almost everyone's already been in this thing! Who's left to meet that could be her master? Heather?"

Everyone took a minute to think about Heather being a white magic master... and then they all shuddered with chills.

"You had me goin' there for a second, big guy," Trent laughed it off. "Heather as an angelic healer? That... just doesn't sound right!"

* * *

Speaking of Heather, she had strolled down into a dead-end passage. But it wasn't a complete waste of time, as her night-vision goggles picked up a heat source sitting on a pedestal. Picking the object up, she lifted her goggles to get a better look.

"A book?" she identified, squinting her eyes.

She opened it and tried to read it, but it was too dark.

"Stupid thing must be on the fritz," she said aloud, referring to her goggles. "Since when do books give off heat?"

She got her answer, as the book became enlightened in a flash. Illuminating a small six-foot radius around it, it was just bright enough for Heather to clearly see the words in it. Not that she could understand them, as they seemed to be in some alien language.

"Meh," she shrugged, "at the very least, someone'll find it worth paying a few bucks for."

She closed the book, which in turn killed its light source. She then placed it under her right arm, lowered her goggles, and went back out the way she came in.

* * *

As Beth stirred a pot of stew on the stove in her kitchen, a weird feeling raced through her.

"I have this crazy feeling that the writer just screwed us."

"Ooh, ooh," Lindsay chirped as she handed Beth a salt shaker. "This one time, I thought somebody was asking me for a screw, when he actually was asking me if I wanted to..."

Beth reached up to clasp Lindsay's lips shut with her fingers.

"Lindsay, I love you as a best friend, but if you try once more to usurp this story's T-rating..."

"Usurp," Owen leaned in, smelling the stew, "that's maple-flavored, right?"

"Hey!" Beth shouted at him. "If you're not gonna help cook, you can't be in the kitchen."

"Oh, alright!" Owen gave up as he slowly marched out.

Beth let go of Lindsay's lips, who had taken the 'shut up' time to let her brain actually do some thinking.

"You know, I'm getting the strangest feeling that we've forgotten somebody..."

As if on cue, Tyler ran into the living area, past Trent and Cody, who were sitting at the dining table chatting, and jumped onto the couch, landing back-first.

"Tyler!" Lindsay cheered with glee as she ran out of the kitchen and over to him. "You're alive!"

"No thanks to you two!" Tyler growled as he sat up. "You two left me there for dead! I can't believe you! Especially you, Lindsay! I thought you liked me!"

"But I do like you!"

Lindsay knelt next to Tyler and kissed him deeply on the lips.

"Wait a minute!" Beth thought out loud as she walked over, "Didn't you have a broken back? How the heck did you walk all the way here, much less run?"

Tyler broke off his kiss with Lindsay to answer.

"Now that I think of it, I really don't know. All I remember is being in excruciating pain, then Lindsay kissed me, and then you two left me behind!"

"You mean..." Lindsay began.

"Inspired by the love of his life possibly leaving him," Trent and Cody said in unison, "he overcame the pain, got to his feet, and got all the way here without any problems!"

Trent and Cody high-fived each other.

"Actually," Lindsay clarified, "I was going to say my kiss healed him."

"A kiss can heal people?" Owen smirked. "Now I've heard everything!"

"And yet..." Beth brightened up, "it's crazy enough to be true!"

Beth reached over and quickly plucked a hair from Lindsay's head.

"Ow!"

"Sorry," Beth quickly apologized before depositing the hair strand into a test tube she had pulled out of her pocket.

"What did you do that for?"

"To prove a point! Gimme 20 or 30 minutes!"

* * *

20 or 30 minutes later...

"Good news, everyone!" announced Beth, as she approached the table where everyone was sitting. "Dinner will be ready in five minutes!"

"Alright!" they all cheered.

"Even better news," Beth continued. "Lindsay was right! Her kisses **DO** have the power to heal!"

"So she didn't need a master," Trent expanded out, "she just needed to learn how to use her powers!"

"Which means Beth just wrote... herself... out of the story," Cody proclaimed.

"Nonsense!" Beth argued. "There must be something else I can do!"

"I have an idea!" Tyler said as he walked over to the whiteboard.

"I have a better one!" shouted Owen. "Gwen is missing!"

"Gwen!" Trent and Cody screamed in horror.

"Seriously," Beth rolled her eyes, "does this cave make everyone forget someone?"

"How could we forget about Gwen?" Trent asked aloud. "The apple of my eye!"

"We've got to save her," Cody declared, "and fast!"

"Luckily," Beth spoke up, "one of the things I AM a master at is finding people just by getting a whiff of their scent. Quick! Someone give me something that belongs to her!"

Everyone hastily placed something on the table. Trent put down a greenish lock of hair, Cody placed down the bra Gwen had given him long ago, Tyler produced an autographed photo with her signature, Lindsay had an exact replica of Gwen's 'Total Drama' outfit, and Owen had... the remains of a spewed-up poisonous fish in a plastic bag?

"You kept that thing for six chapters?" Tyler looked at Owen. "Really?"

"The hair will do," Beth said aloud.

She picked up the lock with a pair of tweezers, held it up to her nose, and took a good sniff of it. She then smelled the air, trying to find a current that matched her scent.

"Got it!"

* * *

Several minutes later, the gang of six was running through the cave, with Beth leading the way.

"We're close!" Beth yelled. "Very, very close!"

Beth and company turned around the corner, but instead of running into Gwen, they had found Duncan instead.

"Aha!" Duncan shouted. "Gotcha!"

The six stopped and hunched into battle positions.

"First squad, deploy!" shouted Trent.

Tyler, Lindsay, and Beth stepped forward, and their current HP and MP appeared above their heads.

[Tyler HP: 175 MP: 21  
Lindsay HP: 100 MP: 8  
Beth HP: 142 MP: 99]

"I said first squad!" Trent exclaimed. "Not second squad!"

Duncan smirked as his current HP and MP appeared above his head.

[Duncan HP: 0 MP: 33]

"Wait... wha..."

Duncan promptly fainted.

"When the villains get three chapters," Beth explained, "they really only get three chapters!"

"Forget about plot conveniences!" shouted Cody. "What about Gwen? If Duncan hasn't found her, then maybe there's still hope!"

Beth sniffed the air and picked up Gwen's scent once again.

"This way!" she pointed, towards a small distant beacon of light.

* * *

After a bit more running, the group emerged from the cave and back into the surface world. They were now on the other side of the mountain range that they, minus Beth, had fallen into earlier that day.

"We're back outside!" Lindsay stated accurately.

"And worse," Beth said with a sad face, "Gwen's scent is gone!"

"Gone?" Trent and Cody yelled.

"How can that be?" asked Cody.

"What could this mean?" questioned Trent.

"It means," Beth told them all, "that she has vanished... without a trace!"

***** To be continued... *****  
**[nope, I didn't see this coming either]**


	11. The Son We Left for Dead is Alive!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Only two more chapters after this week's installment. And if you guys didn't dig the last chapter, this one should make up for it. If you liked Chapter 8, which a lot of you did, then this one is thematically similar, joke-wise, and should tickle your funny bone the same way. Plus, a plot point introduced in Chapter 1 is finally resolved!

In addition, two characters not in the original story bible enter this fanfic after all. This makes it five total, after Sierra, Alejandro, and Mr. Coconut were added for one-off appearances. Plus, the 21st TDI castmate debuts this week as well, leaving only one yet to appear.

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

* * *

"So, let's see," Gwen said. "Since the return from the break, I was helpless thanks to exhaustion when Duncan lunged at me with a chainsaw and a hook, helpless when Ezekiel tried to burn me alive after he thought I was a witch, and now... **THIS!**"

Gwen had wrist and ankle restraints on her, all of which were chained to a gray brick wall. Her cape was missing as well. And Heather was standing in front of her, smiling as she held a whip in her right hand.

A whip that was in need of some cracking.

"Okay... now the writer's off my Christmas card list too."

"I'm going to enjoy this," Heather said as she licked her lips in anticipation.

"This is worse than the time Eva returned on TDI!"

Suddenly, the door into the room was kicked off its hinges, and Eva walked in, growling and foaming at the mouth. And she had a knight's suit of armor on, minus the helmet and an over-sized lance.

"I take it back!" Gwen shouted. "Definitely worse. Definitely worse!"

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Eleven - The Son We Left for Dead is Alive! (09.13.10)**  
**-**

"Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow!"

Lindsay was overcome with joy as she and the rest of her party stood in front of the famous 25-foot tall 'Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas' sign.

(Yep, the writer's being lazy again  
But keep reading... this chapter gets better!  
Promise!)

"Ooh, ooh!" Lindsay shouted, pulling out a generic MP3 player. "This calls for a special edition of my theme song!"

"Another Katy Perry song?" Tyler asked her.

"Another Katy Perry song!" replied Lindsay.

"Another Katy Perry song!" Cody gasped.

"Another Katy Perry song!" repeated Lindsay.

"Another Katy Perry song?" Trent looked oddly at Lindsay.

"Another Katy Perry song!" Owen raised his arms in triumph.

"Another Katy Perry song," nodded Lindsay.

"**ANOTHER KATY PERRY SONG!**" screamed the ghost of Duncan angrily.

Suddenly, Lindsay's cell phone rang. She answered and immediately put it on speakerphone. Sadie and Katie's voices, respectively, could be heard instantly.

"Another Katy Perry song?"

"Another Katy Perry song?"

"Another Katy Perry song!" the two said in unison.

"Another Katy Perry song," happily responded Lindsay.

(Another Katy Perry song!)

"Another Katy Perry song!" Lindsay shouted with glee.

Lindsay then looked at Beth, waiting for her to say it too. But her arms were crossed over her chest, and she was frowning. When she saw that Beth wasn't going to say it, she gave her the 'puppy dog pout.'

After five seconds of looking at it, Beth relented.

"Another Katy Perry song," she stated drolly.

"Another Katy Perry song!" Lindsay said one last time, with enthusiasm.

She then reached up to press the play button, but the second she did, her MP3 player separated into many, many pieces.

"How come I don't hear any music?" Tyler asked before noticing all of the device's parts on the ground at Lindsay's feet. "Oh."

"I hate to overshadow Lindsay's disappointment," Cody reminded them all. "But we haven't seen Gwen for three days now! I'm worried!"

"I just hope we find her before something bad happens to her," Trent said out loud.

"Don't worry," Beth reassured him. "I can smell anyone! Even if they're dead!"

Trent and Cody gasped with fright, then started to fidget with worry as they ran around screaming as if their heads had been chopped off.

"I guess I should've phrased that better," thought Beth.

* * *

(Meanwhile, at a dark castle on the West Coast,  
Lightning crashes!)

A large lightning bolt appeared in the sound, giving off a thunderous noise that was the equivalent of standing besides a jet-powered engine without earmuffs from less than two feet away.

(Thank you!  
Our readers are now deaf!)

"So, you're not going to whip me for days on end?" Gwen asked.

Gwen was still chained to the wall as Heather put her whip down on a nearby table and Eva continued to froth at the mouth.

"Ew!" squealed Gwen. "Do you have rabies?"

"I get like this," Eva replied, "**WHEN I HAVEN'T BEATEN ANYBODY UP IN TEN MINUTES!**"

Gwen gulped.

"I'll give you two options," presented Heather. "I can give this whip to Eva, and she can wail on you until she gets tired. Or..."

"Option two, option two!"

Heather grinned, showing off a toothy smile.

"You and Eva get to play a game. If you win, I let you go free. If Eva wins, well... whatever she wants."

"Somebody told me that if I beat one of the main characters up," Eva said aloud. "I get to take their place! And all the perks that come with it!"

(Ooh, a vision of the future! Intriguing...)

* * *

"Marry me!" Trent said, presenting a bouquet of roses.

"No, marry me!" countered Cody, who was holding up a tiny two-piece yellow polka-dot bikini.

"You must marry me!" jumped in Tyler, who offered up a gold medal.

All three guys were proposing to Eva, who was blushing as she stood there in a white wedding dress.

"Yes, yes, and yes!" Eva declared, accepting all three offers.

* * *

"I suppose someone will find happiness in marrying Eva," remarked Gwen. "If I was a guy, I sure wouldn't."

"I get to choose the game, right?" Eva asked Heather.

"Sure," nodded Heather, "as long as it embarrasses Gwen as much as humanly possible."

"Excellent."

"Uh..." Gwen looked up to the ceiling. "Anytime you guys want to jump to the A-plot, go right ahead!"

* * *

(Back with the A-plot...)

"What are we doing in Vegas, anyway?" Trent asked. "Is Gwen here?"

"You think she's undercover as a showgirl?" Cody thought out loud. "Because I'd **LOVE** to see her in one of those outfits!"

"Dunno about that," Owen told him. "Lindsay's more the dancer type."

"Like, yeah," agreed Lindsay. "Gwen would so pooh-pooh those flashy, barely there, over-exuberant costumes."

"Can we have a chapter about Lindsay becoming a showgirl?" Tyler asked the narrator. "I'm sure it would increase readership, big guy!"

(Are Duncan and Courtney in it,  
Getting together,  
Breaking up,  
Making babies,  
Or any combination of the three?)

"What? Why?"

(Because that's what's popular.)

"That's it! For the rest of this story, I'm doing whatever it takes to make the coupling of Lindsay and I the most popular relationship in the show!"

"How you gonna do that?" Owen curiously asked.

Tyler responded by ripping off his tracksuit in one quick motion, leaving nothing but him in his birthday suit.

"Yes!" Owen pumped his fist. "I'm not the only person who gets fully naked in this show anymore!"

"Lindsay, strip!" ordered Tyler.

Lindsay quickly obliged, and reached up to pull down her dress strap, but stopped when she saw Beth glaring at her.

"Now that I think about it," Lindsay slowly changer her mind, "I don't think that's the appropriate thing to do."

"Ugh!" Tyler growled, upset at Beth. "Whatever happened to 'whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?'"

"They don't even use that tag line anymore! And put your clothes back on, for crying out loud!"

Tyler mumbled something incoherent as he walked over to his tracksuit.

"Man," complained Trent, "why can't a girl be completely naked for once?"

Everyone went dead silent as they all shot various reaction looks in Trent's direction.

"What? You all know everyone was thinking it! Particularly Cody!"

"Hey, hey!" Cody shouted. "Don't put this on me, man!"

(Ahem! A-plot, people!)

"Oh, right," everyone nodded, getting back on track.

"So..." Trent restarted from the top, "is Gwen here?"

"Not sure," Beth answered this time, "but I know who is!"

Beth revealed that the gang was actually walking in a suburban Vegas neighborhood, and she had just rang the doorbell in front of a mini-mansion, one with a beautiful yard and a fountain with a large statue spitting water out of it, but not gate.

After just one ring, the door opened, and out stepped Josh, dressed in a tuxedo, who was star-struck at the sight of one of the party members.

"Son! The son we left for dead is alive!"

Josh ran out and wrapped his arms around Trent, hugging him.

"Uh..." was all a stunned Trent could utter.

"Do we know you?" Cody scratched his head. "You look someone who hosts those celebrity gossip shows on TV."

"Which didn't exist in this universe until last chapter, by the way!" Beth cut in, noting the time period consistency 'flaw' about TVs.

Josh let go of Trent and looked at Cody, and started eying him intensely. Before he could let his thoughts known, though, a young woman appeared in the doorway, dressed in a golden sundress.

"Son! And... gasp of shock... other son!"

The woman, Blaineley, ran over to Cody and gave him a hug, pushing him sideways into her chest.

"Uh..." Cody stuttered between gasps of air, "why am I... not enjoying this?"

"Because I'm your mother, silly," Blaineley told him.

"Whoa!" Owen, Tyler, and Lindsay all said simultaneously. "Didn't see that coming!"

* * *

Heather had changed into a droll, third-world country long-sleeve shirt and an ankle-length skirt, and seemed unhappy with the costume change. Or maybe it was the accordion she was currently and was being forced to play to some weird four-beat, folk song theme.

Gwen was no longer chained up, but she was standing in the middle of the room, only a few feet away from Eva. Eva was still scowling but her feet said otherwise, as she was dancing like she was happy.

"Hands out in front!" Heather yelled at Gwen without missing a note.

Gwen had no choice but to obey. She quickly wished she hadn't.

"That's my horse!" Eva yelled.

Eva gave Gwen a 'low-ten,' and then promptly smacked Gwen across the face.

"What the..." Gwen wondered, even as the left side of her face ached.

"Retaliate!" Heather exclaimed.

"What? She's not going to let me..."

"It's part of the game! Just hit her back!"

Gwen turned to Eva, who was staying in-character as her feet continued to dance joyfully, and decided that maybe Heather was right.

"Okay... um... that's my horse?"

Gwen slapped Eva on the same side of the face she was hit on.

"She... let me hit her?" Gwen said, still in disbelief.

"That's my horse!" Eva yelled again.

She snapped her fingers, and a barrel appeared next to her. She picked it up... and then smashed it on the top of Gwen's head! The hit gave Gwen quite the headache, and she wasn't too pleased with it.

"Two can play at this game!"

Gwen started to dance like Eva, and once she got into the groove, she snapped her fingers. A wheelbarrow appeared next to her. She turned it upside down, and... yep, you guessed it.

"My horse! **MY HORSE!**"

The wheelbarrow came down on Eva, her head making an indentation in the bottom of the upside down farming tool turned weapon.

"I like this song," Heather said with a smile.

* * *

The other heroes of the story, along with Josh and Blaineley, were sitting in the latter duo's den, complete with fireplace and patio access. Trent and Cody were sitting the closest to the duo, as they had a lot of questions to ask.

"So..." Trent began, "you two are my parents?"

Josh and Blaineley nodded in tandem.

"And you're my parents too?" Cody asked.

Again, Josh and Blaineley nodded. Trent and Cody looked at each other, still confused and not knowing where to go next.

"You probably want to know how that's possible," Blaineley voiced their thoughts for them.

This time, Trent and Cody were the ones nodding.

"Good!" Josh replied, before making a sour face. "We're not telling you."

"What?" Trent and Cody shouted.

"No worries," Beth stated, as she put one hand on Josh's shoulder and the other on Blaineley's. "I gotcha covered! Alright, you two... tell Trent and Cody what they want to know!"

"It all started on the day of your actual birth," Josh suddenly admitted.

"Both of your parents failed to show up," added Blaineley.

"Upset about not being there for you, we decided to abandon you."

"We left you on the steps of the Town Hall in Toronto, hoping you could find someone who'd be able to raise you right."

"So that's it?" Trent looked at them. "You were bad parents, so you gave me away? That was actually... good of you."

"That explains Trent," Cody cut in, "but what about me?"

"We raised you right," Blaineley started this time.

"Raised you to be an upright citizen with a touch of ladies' man who doesn't know what he's doing," tacked on Josh.

"On your 16th birthday, we sent you out to find Trent so you two could see each other for the first time since birth!"

"But the strangest thing is, you never returned until now. Why?"

"Oh," Trent gasped as he looked at Cody. "The amnesia! Told you I wasn't making that up."

"Hold on! If we're the same age, then..."

"Fraternal twins," Josh and Blaineley said simultaneously.

"I guess that solves everything," Trent agreed.

"I've got no further questions," Cody concluded.

"Well, I do," Beth objected, looking at Josh and Blaineley, letting go of their shoulders in the process. "No way they're **YOUR** kids. There's no way either of you are 35 or older."

"Now see here!" an upset Josh tried to cover up the snafu.

"Let me take this one, honey," Blaineley sweetly shushed him. "Actually, the truth is, we just met three months ago, so Josh is only your step-father. Allow me to introduce... your real father!"

Blaineley pointed to the kitchen door, which swung open at that exact moment to reveal Chef Hatchet, angry as hell and with a butcher's knife in his right hand.

"**WILL YA'LL KEEP IT DOWN? AND ARE THESE GUESTS? HOW DARE YOU INVITE GUESTS! NOW I GOTTA COOK DINNER FOR ALL THEM JOKERS, TOO!**"

Chef then cursed under his breath as he ducked back into the kitchen.

"That gave me more questions than answers!" Beth exclaimed. "Questions more absurd than the ones I was originally going to ask you? In fact, I don't know where to sta..."

* * *

(We interrupt Beth to give you... Izzy!)

"Hi, everyone!" Izzy waved to the reading audience.

"Izzy!" Heather growled, still playing the accordion. "What are you doing here? The king fired you a long time ago!"

"He just thinks he did," winked Izzy.

"No, he really..."

"Ooh, what's that!"

Izzy pointed at Gwen and Eva, who were pretty bruised and banged up, still in the midst of their game.

"**THAT'S MY HORSE!**"

Eva was holding a full-sized car over her head, which she threw halfway across the room towards Gwen. The goth hero couldn't muster any reaction words, so she simply responded by holding up a sign that said, in small, barely readable to the naked eye print, 'Eep!'

The car then landed, front bumper first, on Gwen.

"You're playing 'That's My Horse?'" Izzy gasped in shock. "Awesome! I want in!"

Heather just watched Izzy run over to Eva, and tapped her on the shoulder. Once Eva turned around, Izzy officially entered the game.

"No, it's **MY HORSE**!"

Izzy snapped her fingers, and just like that, she was holding an empty oil tanker above her head, stern first. She then hit Eva on the head with it several times, in a motion resembling a hammer pounding a nail into a wall.

Which is exactly what it sounded like... Izzy nailed Eva into the concrete floor.

"Ha ha!" Izzy chuckled. "You can't use your hands anymore, so you lose!"

Sure enough, Eva's head was the only thing sticking out of the ground, and even her immense strength wasn't enough to break out of the concrete. Eva lowered her head, shamed in defeat.

Meanwhile, a frazzled Gwen stumbled over to Izzy. Gwen's leotard now had several rips in it, her left eye was bruised and practically swollen shut, and she was holding her right arm, as if it had become dislocated.

"You still wanna play, Gwen?" Izzy asked her. "Then let's get it on!"

"Actually..."

Despite how much she was hurting, her brain was still working like normal, and she had gotten a wicked idea... one that she was whispering into Izzy's ear.

Upon hearing it, both girls smiled devilishly.

"Hey!" Heather shouted, upon noticing the two of them colluding, "what's going on?"

Despite Heather beginning to worry, she was somehow compelled to keep playing the accordion.

"Hold this for me," Izzy said to Gwen, giving her a red potion.

Gwen took the potion, then observed as Izzy skipped Heather's way.

"No, it's my horse!" Izzy yelled.

Izzy snapped her fingers again, this time producing the Titanic, as if it had never left port on its maiden voyage in 1912. She then tried to bring it down on Heather, who was aware enough to completely dodge it, as the ship split in half upon impact with the floor.

"What are you doing?" Heather screamed.

Heather finally stopped playing her instrument. She then threw the accordion at Izzy, who still hadn't reached her. Izzy stopped and let the instrument hit her in the head, dazing her for a second.

"It's **NOT** my horse!"

Izzy shook her head to chase away the dizzy stars she was seeing, and then finished getting over to Heather.

"That's not how you do it!" Izzy said to her. "You do it like this... **THAT'S MY HORSE!**"

Izzy snapped again... and this time, Owen appeared out of nowhere, falling from ceiling height and straight onto Heather, landing back-first. Heather was crushed underneath Owen's girth, with her left arm the only part of her body visible.

"Help!" Owen screamed as he tried to roll off of Heather. "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"Tee hee!" Izzy laughed. "Time for a new game, made up on the spot! **THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND!**"

Izzy ran over to pull Owen off of Heather, expecting the latter to fight back... not that she could. As all that was going on, a rejuvenated Gwen was smiling, without an injury to be seen, as she walked towards the door and out of the chamber, tossing the empty potion container aside.

Once outside the chamber, she saw her cape hanging on a hook on the other side of the door. She slipped it back on and then ran off down the torch-lit hallway, smiling now that she was free.

And that she had again given Heather her just desserts.

* * *

"**YOU'RE ALL OUT OF THE FAMILY!**" Chef yelled.

Trent, Cody, Beth, Tyler, and Lindsay were thrown out of the mini-mansion by Chef, apparently tired of all of the questions. Chef then slammed the door shut behind him.

"I guess we can't be best friends anymore," Trent said to Cody.

"What? But why?" Cody asked, concerned.

"Because now we're best brothers. Best brothers!"

Cody sniffled. "You're the best brother a brother could ever have!"

The two then hugged, and Beth, Tyler, and Lindsay applauded with happiness.

"That doesn't mean we stop trying to compete for Gwen, right?" Cody asked, unsure of that friendly battle.

"It wouldn't be a story if we didn't fight for her heart," replied Trent.

"Very well, then... let's find Gwen!"

"Find Gwen, and then... we'll fight for her heart!"

Trent and Cody both turned to Beth, who saw that as her signal to sniff the air to pick up Gwen's scent.

"Hey," Lindsay looked around, "does anybody see Owen?"

"Yeah," Tyler said as well. "where's the big guy?"

Beth finished smelling the winds... and returned with an odd look on her face.

"That's strange. I smell both Gwen **AND** Owen!"

"Really?" everyone asked.

"Yes. And even stranger, they're very close to each other!"

"So where are they?" questioned Lindsay.

Beth pointed to the west, where dark clouds were visible in the sky.

"When in doubt, follow the dark skies!"

The quintet began walking in that direction, out of Las Vegas.

"Don't worry, Gwen," Trent and Cody thought individually, to themselves. "We're coming to save you!"

"Don't worry, Owen," Tyler and Beth did likewise. "We're coming to save you!"

"Don't worry, everyone!" Lindsay also followed suit. "Let me tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street!"

(With all of the King's Four Horsemen taken care of  
And the mystery behind Trent and Cody's past solved  
Only four objectives remain for our heroes

Find Gwen and Owen  
Locate the missing princess  
Defeat the evil king  
And get everyone home in time for the  
Canadian premiere of 'Total Drama World Tour.'

Well... three out of four ain't bad.)

***** To be continued... *****  
**[whom do you ship with Eva?]**


	12. It's a Truce Zone, People!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Onto the penultimate challenge, and the King awaits to strike down our heroes... if they all don't get killed before then, first.

Also, vote on the poll on my profile page to determine how next week's finale should be posted.

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me.

* * *

"So," Trent said, "they're here?"

"Yes," Beth replied. "They're here."

The traveling party of five were standing in front of a dark castle that was overlooking a drawbridge hanging over a moat. Across the moat was the entrance to the aforementioned castle. And Beth could smell Owen and Gwen somewhere inside.

"Okay, everyone!" Trent looked at the group. "Weapons check! I've got my futuristic lightsaber ready to go!"

He pulled it out and showed off how proficient he had become at wielding it, as he jabbed, stabbed, and parried every which way. Meanwhile, Tyler flexed his muscles as he began to stretch.

"My super speed, super jumping, and super strength abilities are all ready for the action!" Tyler exclaimed.

"And I've got my spell book," Lindsay jumped in as she held it up. "As well as the power of love!"

Beth pulled out her spinning batons of fire and twirled them around and around on her hands.

"No villain's gonna get past me!"

Cody smirked as he held up his heat-seeking rubber ball.

"The bad guys better learn to dodge, 'cause I'm coming in there to save my future wife!"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Trent stopped him. "You're already declaring victory?"

"Sure I am! After I take out all the baddies single-handedly, Gwen will have no choice but to declare me her hero and reward me handsomely. Allow me to demonstrate."

"With what?"

Noah walked out of the castle and onto the drawbridge, dressed like an ugly troll.

"Hark!" Noah said as he held his hand up. "None shall pass unless you solve my riddle one!"

"Riddle one?" Beth questioned. "Shouldn't it be riddles three?"

"My stupid boss could only think of one."

Cody tossed his dodgeball at Noah. It hit him in the stomach and knocked him off of the drawbridge and into the moat below.

"I'm coming for you, Gwen!" Cody yelled as he ran over the bridge.

"Not if I come for her first!" Trent shouted as he followed him over.

"I'll come for you both if you don't stop it with the dodgy language!" Beth shook her fist as she crossed over third. "Ugh... see what you made me say!"

"I'll come for anyone who wants me to," chirped Lindsay, who ran across with Tyler next to her.

"Nobody gets to come unless it's me coming!" Tyler glared at her.

Noah was now alone. In the moat. With dark clouds ready to strike with thunder and lightning hovering above.

"I get it. I'm dead. Play the theme song already!"

-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-

**-**  
**Chapter Twelve - It's a Truce Zone, People! (09.20.10)**  
**-**

"So, no hard feelings about the whole octopus thing?"

"A thousand times, yes! Now can we stop talking about Chapter 4?"

After disposing of Heather, Izzy and Owen had caught up to Gwen. The three of them were walking through the castle's underground chambers.

"So if I had managed to go all the way..." Izzy continued.

"Okay, really Izzy?" Gwen glared at her. "You really wanna give the fanboys ideas? Really?"

"It doesn't sound so bad. I'd kill someone to be as popular as you. Speaking of which... popular and you. Why does that sound like something that would happen in some bizarro world?"

"You want to be as popular as me? To see drawings of yourself wearing practically no clothing while being attacked by creatures with slimy appendage after slimy appendage?"

"I guess. But only for a week. It'd get tiring after that."

"I'd offer to manage your webpage," Owen told Izzy, "if I knew what that meant."

"Aw, thanks, big guy!" cooed Izzy. "You can manage me if you'd like!"

"Someone managing Izzy," Gwen said aloud. "Now **THAT** I'd like to see."

The trio then came across a glass box attached to the wall. One that would normally hold fire extinguishing equipment. This one, though, had some sort of button encased inside. Engraved on the glass itself were the words 'Break in Case of Losing Track of the Plot.'

"Enough joking around!" Izzy shouted. "Time to get serious!"

Izzy broke the glass by slamming her fist into it. In doing so, her fist pushed the button in as well. The three of them heard and felt rumbling, and the sound of something rolling.

"Don't tell me..." Gwen frowned.

"I hate running!" Owen screamed. "I hate running, I hate running!"

But that's what they were about to do, as Owen, Gwen, and Izzy ran back the way they came... okay, Izzy was skipping and waving her arms up in the air... because they found themselves being chased by a giant, rolling boulder.

"**AAAAHHHHH!**" Gwen and Owen both yelled. "**AAHH! AAAAAHHHH!**"

"'Indiana Izzy' for the win!" squealed Izzy.

* * *

The party of five were a couple of levels up, meanwhile, as they were making their way through an army of robotic interns.

"Take that!" Trent said as he sliced an intern diagonally in two.

Tyler was hanging back with Lindsay, protecting her as six interns closed in on them, all in a straight line.

"What's my motto, babe?"

"Um... is it 'Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger?'"

"No. What do I do whenever something tries to hurt you?"

"Uh..."

Tyler sighed. "Look, what time is it?"

Lindsay looked down at her watch... which she didn't have...

"But I don't have a..."

"Time to punch the **[BEEP!]** out of it!"

Tyler punched the intern in front of him in the head as hard as he could. The impact was so big that not only did it knock the intern's head clear off, but it flew back and knocked the head off of the robot behind him, and so on, and so on.

"I'm so good, it hurts," Tyler smirked.

"That was so awesome!" shouted Lindsay.

"I'm serious, Lindsay... my fist really hurts! Kiss it and make it better, please?"

Meanwhile, Beth was twirling her fiery batons like there was no tomorrow, as she singed one intern after another, knocking them aside and leaving a smoking pile of gears and cogs behind her. Each new enemy tried to grab at her and her weapons, but they all were unsuccessful.

"How many times do I have to take out you guys before you realize... **NO MEANS NO!**"

As for Cody, he was chucking rubber balls every which way. But the robot interns were dodging them easily, and the balls were hitting the ground without getting any of them.

"What's going on?" Cody asked aloud. "Why is this not working?"

The robots steadily closed in on him, plodding step by step in rhythm.

"Oh, right," Cody sheepishly remembered, as he blushed with embarrassment. "Not all robots give off heat."

One of the interns stopped and opened up his chest compartment to show that he was powered by a cold fusion reactor. The others quickly followed suit, much to Cody's chagrin.

"Really? This story has that kind of a budget? And all I've had for 12 chapters are... **RUBBER BALLS?**"

Tyler was still by Lindsay's side, keeping her safe as new interns kept popping up to replace the ones that were getting destroyed.

"They just keep coming!" Tyler shouted. "When will they stop?"

Suddenly, a hole in the floor opened up underneath Lindsay, and she fell in before she realized it was gone.

"**TYLERRRRRRRRRRRR!**"

"**LINDSAY!**"

Tyler quickly did what anyone would do that in that situation.

He jumped into the hole, head-first.

"I'm coming for you, Lindsay!"

Once he was gone, the hole in the floor closed up behind him.

"I said enough with the off-color jokes!" Beth shouted as she ran by that exact spot, being chased by two interns.

She looked back to see the interns had gotten a hold of her flaming batons, and were chasing her with them in hand. She paid so much attention to them, being sure to be ready to dodge if they flung the weapons at her, that she didn't see a hole materialize a few feet in front of her.

"**NOOOOOOOOOO!**" Beth yelled as she fell in.

Again, the hole closed up shortly thereafter. Once Beth had fallen in, the robotic interns suddenly decided to stop attacking and leave. They all rushed out of the area, leaving Trent and Cody behind.

"Did they just run away?" Cody asked, trying to confirm the obvious.

"It looks like it," replied Trent.

"Wait," Cody looked around. "Tyler, Lindsay, and Beth are all gone!"

"No way! You mean we have to find all of them too?"

"Yeah. But how? Beth was the one tracking Gwen and Owen!"

"We'll just have to go with our instincts."

Trent saw two paths in front of him, and after thinking about it for a second, started running down the path to his right.

"You sure?" Cody asked. "'Cause my instincts say... oh, never mind!"

Cody followed Trent to the right.

* * *

Elsewhere...

"**AAAAHHHHH!**" Gwen and Owen both yelled. "**AAHH! AAAAAHHHH! AAAHHHH!** For the love of all that's good, **AAAAAAAAHHHHH!**"

"Looky-looky, an exit!" Izzy cut in, pointing ahead of them.

"Finally," Gwen said with relief.

The trio dived through the doorway, and just in time, too, as the giant boulder was stopped by it. That was the good news. The bad news was that they were now in a dark room with no light at all.

"We're alive," Gwen stated, "but now what?"

"Well..." Owen thought out loud. "I am kinda hungry."

"Alright then," Izzy shouted. "You can eat my..."

"Izzy!" Gwen cut her off.

"What? I was going to say cheesecake. Cheffy makes great cheesecake, let me tell ya! Gee, Gwen... not everything has to be an euphemism!"

Suddenly, the three of them were thrown off of their feet as the room they were in started to move at a high speed.

"Forget the cheesecake!" Owen shouted. "I'm about to blow chunks!"

"Not in here!" Gwen and Izzy screamed.

* * *

A minute later, the room came to a sudden stop. A door opened, allowing bright light to shine in. Gwen and Izzy stepped out of the chamber and into a room...

Where most of the rest of the cast was hanging out, in a 'loser's lounge,' of sorts.

"Gwen, you made it!"

A delighted Bridgette ran over to give Gwen a hug, but she stopped just inches short when she smelled her friend. Bridgette then stepped back instead, using her fingers to pinch her nose closed.

"Eew! Why do you smell so bad?"

Gwen pointed to the door they had just come through, as Owen stepped out, lethargic and drooling after losing his lunch on the ride.

"Anyone get the license plate of that moving vehicle?"

Owen then fell onto the floor, stomach-first. Out of concern, Izzy ran over to check on him.

"Stay with me, Owen!" she shouted. "**YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE ON ME!**"

As Izzy started giving Owen mouth-to-mouth, though unsure if he needed it to begin with, Gwen took a good look around the room and saw a lot of familiar faces doing a ton of different things. Geoff and Justin were lying on tanning beds, Beth was chatting with Lindsay, Katie, and Sadie about the latest fashions as Tyler sat near them, struggling to stay awake, and Harold, Duncan, and Heather walked casually toward her.

Wait... Harold, Duncan, and Heather?

"Gah!" Gwen leaned back into a defensive position. "We're under attack!"

"Chill, drama queen," growled Heather. "As much as I don't like you, this is a truce zone."

"How are you alive? Owen landed on you! You were pretty much..."

"Dead?" Harold interjected. "Hardly. This is a parody that takes place outside the normal continuity of our television reality show. No one can die here. Speaking of which, this writer's interpretation of role-playing games has been dropping in accuracy the last few chapters. Sure, there was the mentioning of hit points and magic points, but..."

"**SHUT UP, HAROLD!**" everyone yelled.

Duncan pushed Harold aside, knocking him on the floor.

"Just let Courtney do what she has to do," Duncan told Gwen.

"Courtney?"

Gwen turned around and saw Courtney pointing something that resembled a price gun aimed at her head.

"Don't move or I'll have to do it twice!"

Courtney fired, and Gwen was hit by a harmless, grid-like green ray. Courtney continued to hold the trigger as she slowly lowered the gun all the way down to Gwen's feet, and then slowly back up. Once that was done, Courtney took her finger off the trigger. She then turned the gun on its side and started pressing some numbers on a keypad built into the grip.

"Hold on," Gwen suddenly realized, "that must mean not only is Courtney the Mistress, but she's also the second of the four Horsemen we faced."

"You got it," confirmed Bridgette. "Geoff pointed her out when we got here."

"But that must mean she's **ALSO** the princess we're looking for!"

"Shhh!" Harold shushed her, putting his hand over Gwen's mouth. "For some inexplicable reason, Courtney doesn't know that yet!"

"The show starts in two minutes, people!" Courtney announced as she happily walked away from the conversing group.

LeShawna trotted over with a baseball bat and was lightly tapping the barrel of it with her right palm.

"Just give me two minutes and girl will certainly remember!" she shouted. "If anyone's gonna be forced into marriage, it ain't me!"

"No way!" Duncan objected, pulling out a ray gun. "I'm under strict orders to keep her brainwashed!"

Duncan and LeShawna dropped their weapons and began to grapple with each other. Harold got in the middle, trying to stop them.

"It's a truce zone, people! A truce zone!"

Gwen and Bridgette left the three of them, heading over to the giant TV, where the others were starting to stake out spots on the couches, bean bag chairs, regular wooden chairs, or the floor.

"So we're effectively out of the tale?" Gwen asked Bridgette.

"Yes," Bridgette replied. "And... no."

"What? It's either yes or no. You can't have it both ways!"

The two took a seat on the couch, in between Geoff... and Ezekiel? Both girls pointed away from the couch, and Ezekiel sadly got up and headed off to find somewhere else to crash.

"Just watch and see," Bridgette told Gwen. "Oh... wait..."

Bridgette waved her fingers and cast a purifying spell on Gwen. In just seconds, the smell of puke was gone from her skin and her clothes.

"Much better! Now... just watch and see!"

With that, the TV was turned on, and closed-circuit cameras focused on Trent and Cody, standing in front of a set of giant-sized doors.

* * *

"I guess this is it," Cody said before taking a deep breath.

"The day will be won or lost based on whatever awaits us on the other side of these doors," Trent stated matter-of-factly.

The two looked at each other, nodded, and then pushed the doors open. They walked into the room, which resembled the chambers of a King. Once they had taken more than a few steps inward, the giant doors slammed shut behind them.

"Welcome to your final challenge, mortals!" greeted a booming voice.

The floor underneath Trent and Cody's feet started to shift, and they felt themselves being lifted up above the floor. They were standing on platforms that were rising up towards the ceiling. They stopped once they were eight feet up.

Trent and Cody took out their weapons, but the 'voice' just laughed at them.

"Silly mortals! Drop your weapons, for real men do not settle things using such talismans!"

The two guys looked at each other, and after a little hesitation, they dropped their weapons.

"So it's a fistfight you want?" Trent clenched his fists in anger.

"I'm not a hand-to-hand guy," Cody trembled, "but I'll do anything to save Gwen."

The 'voice' laughed again.

"Real men do not settle things using fisticuffs, either!"

The guys looked at each other, now confused.

"Then... how do you wanna do this?" Trent asked.

Trent got his answer... as out of the darkness in front of him, a claw reached out. He felt it grab him, but before he thought it was going to pull him off of the platform, he felt it leave something behind instead, attached to his left wrist.

It was a card-holding device.

"Wha?"

Seconds later, Cody got the same treatment, and had one attached to his left wrist as well.

"Don't tell me," Cody gulped. "We're about to play..."

* * *

"A children's card game!" Izzy shouted, getting everyone's attention as she plopped down on the couch next to Gwen. "Yes!"

Everyone looked at her as she started picking out of a large tub of buttered popcorn. After eating a few pieces, she handed the bucket to Owen... who inhaled it in one gulp.

Owen then burped.

"Ulp... excuse me," Owen pardoned himself.

"No fair!" Harold complained, now sitting on a bean bag chair in front of Gwen and company after having resolved the earlier fight. "I wanted to do a card game, but the writer wouldn't let me. But **HE** gets one?"

"Quiet," Duncan shushed him, "I'm trying to find out if this thing's worth paying 12 bucks for."

"Um," Courtney tapped him on the knee as she sat next to him, "this show's free."

Izzy was seen whistling as she tried to sneak away with 12 dollars.

* * *

"This isn't some silly children's card game!" the 'voice' shouted. "This is a silly adult's card game! So... it's duel time!"

A deck of cards appeared in Trent's holder, as did one in Cody's.

"Visiting team goes first!"

Trent and Cody each drew the first four cards from the deck, and the game began. Cody was first to act, as he drew one card and then looked at his hand.

"Looks like I'm up first," Cody announced, "so I'll play this! I generate one character in face-down cower mode."

"Face down, huh?" the 'voice' laughed. "That's the way you want all girls, isn't it?"

"Hey!" Cody blushed furiously. "That was in a past life! Anyway, I don't have anything else, so I'll end my turn."

"That means it's my move," Trent said as he drew a card from his deck.

Trent looked at the card he drew, and gasped when he saw Gwen on it. The card was entitled 'Heartbroken Gwen,' and it had a picture of her initial reaction on the docks after seeing Trent and Heather kissing.

"That can't be a good sign," Trent thought to himself. "Maybe I won't use that..."

He put the card in his hand and played a different one instead.

"I generate Tyler the Athlete, in rush mode!"

* * *

"Dude, what's happening?"

In the lounge, Tyler felt a strange sensation as a virtual sign appeared over his head. There were three symbols, each accompanied by a single-digit number: a sword, with a '2' next to it, a shield, that had a '1', and a heart, which had '3.'

"No way those can be right!" complained Tyler.

"You're a Level 2?" Lindsay chuckled, mistaking the sword number for his level. "You must suck at this game worse than I do!"

* * *

At the same exact time, Tyler appeared on the floor in front of Trent and Cody.

"Dude, what's happening?"

Tyler looked up at Trent, who shrugged his shoulders.

"Either this game can generate virtual copies of us..." Trent began.

"Or this game just got too real for words," finished Cody with a gulp.

"Luckily," Trent said aloud, "Tyler the Athlete has a special ability! On the turn he is generated, his attack strength is doubled!"

The 'virtual' Tyler looked up and saw the number next to his sword change from a '2' to a '4.'

"Awesome!" Tyler pumped his fist with glee.

"Alright, you," Trent pointed into the darkness. "Your turn!"

"Heh heh," chuckled the 'voice,' "prepare to see what makes this an adult's card game!"

"Bring it on!" Trent and Cody both yelled in unison.

The sound of the King drawing a card could be heard.

"Now... let me start by playing this card!"

The King's right hand emerged from the darkness, and it was holding up a card so that Trent, Cody, 'virtual' Tyler, and everyone watching from the lounge could see it. But they wouldn't be happy about it, as it had a picture of a skull and crossbones on it.

"This card is called The Sign! It's a sorcery card that instantly kills any one character currently on the field! And guess who I choose?"

The skull and crossbones appeared above Tyler's head, to his dismay.

"Oh no!" Tyler gasped.

Tyler's virtual character was ripped in two, right before Trent and Cody's eyes.

"He's gone," Cody said, "just like that?"

"You monster!" growled Trent.

"Ha ha ha!" the 'voice' laughed. "That's not even the best part! For you see..."

* * *

"Tyler!" Lindsay screamed. "**NOOOOOO!**

"

Everyone one in the lounge was stunned as Tyler had collapsed onto the floor... with blood pouring out of his mouth. Lindsay immediately turned to Bridgette, who was already coming to her side.

"Bridgette, you're the better white mage! Fix Tyler! Hurry!"

"I'll try!"

Bridgette quickly scanned her spell book.

"You shouldn't waste your time," Heather wagged her finger.

"Why not?" Gwen asked.

"Dude's deader than dead," replied Duncan. "And there's no coming back."

"The twist is that if you die in that card game," Harold explained, "you die as well."

"**WHAT?**" all of the non-villains in the room asked.

"Those who die are not only written out of this story," Courtney revealed, "but they're completely written out of the Total Drama universe. Forever!"

"Why?" Geoff asked. "Why would you all do this?"

"Because the King wishes it so!" Harold, Courtney, Duncan, and Heather all said simultaneously. "And what the King wants, the King gets!"

* * *

Trent and Cody had just been informed of the 'twist' as well, and they were in shock as well.

"You can't do that!" Trent called out.

"It's against the law!" Cody shouted.

"I can do whatever I want! It's my story! And it'll continue to be until I wipe out the existence of every Total Drama character!"

The King then started laughing maniacally, as Trent and Cody looked at each other and wondered... how were they going to get out of this one?

***** To be concluded... *****  
**[farewell Tyler, we knew ye well]**


	13. This Doesn't Make Any Sense!

**Total Drama Fantasy**  
**Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

So much to take care of in this final chapter, it couldn't be contained in a normal, 20 KB chapter. So I doubled it. You'll definitely want a snack to munch on before sitting through this behemoth.

That being said, enjoy the finale!

Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me. The song used in this chapter is property of their respective owners.

Note: Very, very minor 'Total Drama World Tour' spoilers for maybe the first four episodes towards the end.

* * *

"**TYLER! TYLER, COME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**"

Lindsay was openly wailing as Owen placed a white sheet over Tyler's dead body. Bridgette and Geoff tried to comfort her as they led her away. Meanwhile, Gwen and Beth were confronting the Four Horsemen, not happy about what had just transpired.

"You said no one could die here!" Beth scolded Harold. "You lied!"

"Screw the rules, the King has money!" Harold retorted.

Duncan then smacked Harold upside the back of his head.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"I can't believe you're going along with this!" Gwen shouted. "Your King probably has cards with all of us on it!"

"He actually does," Heather admitted. "And I can't wait for yours to be drawn so I can watch you wither and die at my feet!"

"If that's a jab at me being goth, you're sick!"

"Heather's just stating the fact that because she hates you," Courtney explained, "she hopes she's the one that actually gets to do you in."

"Gee, Courtney," Gwen glared at her. "I know you can be bossy at times, but... you're going along with all of this? Just because you want your side to win?"

"Nothing personal, but I play to win!"

"But not at this cost! Not the Courtney I know!"

"Face it," Duncan jumped in. "It's either you, or us. There can only be one."

"There's gotta be a way to stop this!" Beth tried to think out loud.

"There's only one way," Heather said with a smile. "You better hope Trent and Cody win. And before you get sent to the Grand Beyond."

"Lemme guess..." Gwen stated out loud, "if the King wins, we're all dead."

Heather patted Gwen on the head mockingly.

"This sucks."

**-**  
**Chapter Thirteen - This Doesn't Make Any Sense! (09.27.10)**  
**-**

"I don't know if I can do this," Cody said aloud as he glanced over at Trent. "If what he says is true, we could be pitting our friends against each other for the right to live!"

"This is messed up!" Trent exclaimed, putting his hand up to his forehead. "If we fight, they'll all get killed. But if we don't fight, they'll get killed. It's a no win situation!"

"Exactly!" the 'voice' shouted. "And the readership will skyrocket like never before!"

"What? This is all about getting more people to read this story!"

"That must mean the King can only be one person," gasped Cody.

"That's right!"

The other side of the room suddenly lit up to reveal the identity of the King. It was none other than Chris, the story's producer and creator.

* * *

"You know what," Gwen threw her hands up in frustration, "I shouldn't be surprised by anything else in this stupid fanfic."

"**STREAKING!**" Izzy yelled, as she ran by Gwen and the Horsemen in a blur... for more than one reason.

"T-rated fic!" Beth shouted as she took off after Izzy. "T-rated fic, Izzy!"

Duncan seemed to chuckle as his imagination ran wild, before he turned around and realized that neither Courtney, Gwen, or Heather were laughing at whatever he was thinking. In fact, they seemed angry about his thoughts.

"What?" he shouted at them. "You know I'm not the only guy imagining it!"

"**IT STOPPED BEING T-RATED WHEN TYLER DIED!**" Izzy yelled.

Lindsay started to wail even louder from the other side of the room.

"It's just ketchup," Bridgette told Lindsay. "Not blood, ketchup! It's ketchup! It's ketchup!"

* * *

"So," Chris looked across the field at Trent and Cody. "Still want to play?"

"No!" they both shouted. "Absolutely not."

Chris smiled.

"I was hoping you were going to say that. I generate Hammering Harold in rush mode!"

Harold appeared on the battlefield, armed with a hammer. His stats were '2,' '2', and '2,' respectively.

"And since Trent has nothing on his side of the field to protect him, guess who's about to be this game's second victim! Harold, go for it!"

"Yes, my liege!" Harold obeyed.

Harold raised his hammer and started running towards Trent's platform. He stopped a few feet short and began spinning around. After a few revolutions, he released his grip on the hammer, which flew up and... through Trent's body.

"Well, that wasn't so bad..."

But despite the fact the hammer was virtual, Trent felt pain shooting through his upper body, where the hammer had gone through. It was as if the hammer had hit him for real.

Above him, three hearts appeared... and then two disappeared just as fast as they had come.

"Trent, are you okay?" Cody asked.

"Yeah," Trent winced in pain, "I'll live."

"For now, anyway," Chris told him. "I just took two of your three heart points! Once all three of them are gone, you die! Same goes for Cody over there."

"So you mean we have to kill you before you kill us?" figured out Cody, as three hearts appeared above his head.

"Exactly! Oh... and good luck with that."

Chris smiled as 20 hearts materialized over his noggin.

"That's so not fair!"

"That's kinda the point. Anyway, I place two cards face down and say adios to my first turn. Besides... it's not as much fun unless I prolong your torture... meh heh!"

"Ugh!" Cody complained. "I can't do this!"

"We don't have a choice!" Trent told him. "We have to fight! To save everyone!"

"But what if..."

Cody gasped, his thoughts coming true before he could voice them, as he had drawn a card from his deck and Gwen was on it. He was on it too, though, as it was a picture of him and Gwen sharing a canoe, from the time he tried to ask her out on a date. The card was called 'Flirting with Disaster.'

"I can't play this!" Cody thought to himself. "It might put Gwen's life in danger! Not to mention my own!"

"I end my turn!" Cody suddenly announced.

"No, Cody!" Trent shouted at him. "We have to take this opportunity to attack!"

Cody didn't look as if he was going to budge. He didn't want to hurt anyone... particularly Gwen. Trent had no choice but to soldier on, even if he too didn't want to participate. He drew one card and added it to his hand.

"I'll start by playing one card face down," Trent decided. "Then, I'll generate Eva the Mighty!"

Eva appeared in front of Trent's podium. She had '3' attack, '3' defense, and '2' hearts.

"I hope Harold will forgive me for this, but... Eva, take him out!"

Eva growled as she charged. She reared back and punched Harold right in the face, decreasing his hearts from '2' to '0.'

* * *

"Isn't it weird that they're playing this card game and yet they don't even know the... **GAH!**"

Harold stopped speaking after he felt himself having a heart attack. He grabbed his chest, mouthing that he wanted help, but no one could do anything as he dropped to floor, dying.

Duncan then kicked him for good measure.

"Yep, he's dead."

* * *

"Looks like Harold's history," Trent smirked as Eva retreated back to in front of his podium.

"Not so fast!" Chris waved a finger. "I activate the sorcery card 'Reincarnation,' which allows me to bring one character back from the Grand Beyond. So with that... welcome back, Harold!"

Harold reappeared on the battlefield, in cower mode...

* * *

And got back up to his feet in the lounge.

"I knew my lord wouldn't let me stay dead for long..."

* * *

"But he won't be here long, thanks to his special ability!"

"Special ability?" Trent questioned.

"You see, if Harold is brought back from the dead, I can then, on the same turn, sacrifice him to generate an even stronger character! So therefore, I sacrifice Harold..."

* * *

"**GAH!** Two heart attacks in two minutes! Not coo..."

Harold collapsed again. And died... again.

And Duncan kicked him again.

"Stop that!" Gwen yelled at him.

* * *

"...in order to generate Counselor-in-Training Courtney!"

Courtney appeared in her normal clothes, but she also had a visor on her head and a clipboard cradled in his arms.

"You all have to listen to me now," 'virtual' Courtney told them, "because I'm a C.I.T.!"

She had '4' attack, '1' defense, and '4' hearts.

"Courtney's trouble," grumbled Trent. "I've got no choice. I'm going to put one card face down and end my turn!"

"Aww... someone's scared," baited Chris.

"Just do whatever!"

"I will! Now..."

Chris drew a card from his deck. Another smile crept onto his face.

"Excellent... I'll save that one for later..."

He took that card and held it against his chest, then moved to play the lone card in his hand.

"I generate the character El Explosivo, in cower mode!"

Izzy appeared on the field, with a ticking time bomb strapped to her chest. She had '1' attack, '5' defense, and '1' heart.

"Arriba arriba!" Izzy chirped.

"If El Explosivo is attacked, she detonates her bomb, taking out not only her attacker, but herself as well!"

"Can I blow myself up now?" Izzy looked up at Chris. "Please?"

"Not yet, dang it!"

"But I wanna see what my internal organs look like when they're all gooey and in pieces and... can I blow myself up now?"

"**NO!** Anyway..."

Chris turned his attention down to Cody's face-down character.

"Courtney's got a date with your friend. I wonder... is it Gwen?"

Cody shook his head, vehemently denying it.

"It would be a kick in the pants if it was Gwen, huh? Let's find out... Courtney, let's send that character packing!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" Courtney shook her fist at Chris. "I can attack whomever I want!"

Courtney headed for Cody's creature anyway.

"Please tell me that's not Gwen under there!" Trent pleaded. "Cody!"

"What do I do?" Cody started to panic. "What do I do?"

"You've got no choice! Play the card!"

Cody nodded, and pressed a button on his card holder, signaling the character to emerge from his face-down card. It was...

"Home-school?" Trent scratched his head, confused.

"Ezekiel?" Chris freaked out. "Home-school Boy Ezekiel? Why him?"

"What?" Cody shrugged, not knowing what he did.

"Courtneys have no effect on him! In fact, if a Courtney ever attacks him, she is automatically destroyed!"

Sure enough, when Ezekiel appeared, he threw his hat at Courtney, and it instantly sliced her head off.

"Boys are still better than girls, eh!" Ezekiel said.

* * *

In the lounge, Courtney was flabbergasted as to what just happened. She then turned to Duncan and pointed to his hook.

"Eh," he shrugged as he unscrewed it from his hand and handed it to her. "Whatever floats your boat, babe."

Courtney then walked off, trying to think of a way to kill herself with the hook.

"Courtney," Gwen called out. "Wait! You don't have to... **EWWWW!**"

Courtney had found a way... and it was pretty gruesome. But quick and painless for her, nevertheless. Heather saw it and nearly puked on the spot. Duncan bent down and retrieved his hook, as Gwen cringed through the whole sequence.

"I give it an eight out of ten," he critiqued. "Needs more blood."

* * *

"I'm ending my turn," grumbled Chris.

"I hope Courtney won't be mad at me," Cody thought out loud.

"She'll forgive you in the next life," Trent shouted. "It's your turn, so play something to protect yourself!"

"I hope Bridgette will forgive me too, because I generate Surfing Bridgette to the field, in rush mode!"

'Virtual' Bridgette appeared, in her surfing gear.

* * *

"I thought we were friends," gasped Bridgette. "Why would he summon my character?"

"I'm sure he's got a good reason," Geoff tried to calm her down.

* * *

Bridgette has '2' attack, '2' defense, and '4' hearts.

"I'll now use Bridgette's special ability," Cody announced. "Whenever a Bridgette is generated, I can generate one Geoff to the field as long as it s either in my hand or in my deck. Thus, I generate Surfig Geoff!"

'Virtual' Geoff materialized next to Bridgette, wearing the same surfing wetsuit she was. He had '3' attack, '2' defense, and '3' hearts.

* * *

"He summoned me?" Geoff nearly jumped out of his shorts. "**I'LL KILL HIM IF HE GETS ME KILLED!**"

"I'm sure he's got a good reason," Bridgette reasoned with her boyfriend.

"Of course he does... he wants me **DEAD**!"

* * *

"Now, because Surfig Geoff is a misprinted card," Cody added, "he can reduce the defensive power of one character on the field to '0' for the duration of my turn!"

"Misprinted cards don't have extra powers!" claimed Chris.

"They do in this stupid game!"

Izzy's defense immediately dropped to '0'.

"Dude," Geoff chuckled. "Someone partied too hardy last night!"

"Geoff, you've got to take out Izzy!"

Geoff ran in, holding up his surfboard over his head as he did.

"Cowabunga, dude!"

He whacked Izzy in the stomach, sending her flying back into Chris' podium, where her particles disintegrated upon impact.

"Wait!" Chris shouted. "Why didn't Izzy's bomb go off, killing Geoff as well?"

"Heh," Cody smiled, "it's because of this!"

Cody flipped up one of his two face-down cards. The sorcery card that appeared was called 'Coconut Token.'

"A Coconut Token can be used to take damage that would one-hit KO my attacking character. Therefore, Geoff is saved, and I only had to give up an inanimate object!"

"No way!"

"Yes way... and now, time to attack you directly! Bridgette, put a dent in him!"

Bridgette attacked, lowering Chris' life hearts from '20' to '18.'

"Ezekiel has an attack strength of '0,' so I'll end my turn here."

Sure enough, Ezekiel's stats were '0,' '2,' and '2.'

"My move!" Trent shouted. "To start, I'll generate Gal Pal Sadie!"

Sadie appeared and started dancing on the field.

"And now I trigger her special ability! I'm allowed to generate Pal Gal Katie to the field if Gal Pal Sadie is already there, as long as the card is already in my hand. And guess what?"

"I know you have her, so play her already!" Chris growled.

Katie appeared on the field. With her on the field, she and Sadie started to do the 'Bye Bye Bye' *NSYNC dance in perfect tandem. That's all they could do, though, as they both had '0' attack and '0' defense, along with '3' hearts apiece.

"We're fighting for our lives here," Cody reminded Trent. "I'm not sure Katie and Sadie help the cause."

"They do... once I use these!"

Trent activated both of his face-down sorcery cards. One read 'Magazine,' while the other was called 'Lindsay's Gamble.' The first just had a picture of a regular newsstand magazine, while the other was a photo of Lindsay in her sleeping outfit.

"Combining the Katie and Sadie cards with these two sorcery cards, I'm able to summon the most valuable card in the entire deck!"

"You mean the one card collectors would play a billion dollars just to own?" Chris asked, drooling with anticipation.

"That's right! Sacrificing Katie and Sadie... sorry, girls... I can now generate... Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model of the Year Lindsay!"

Lindsay was summoned on the field, dressed in nothing but her bathing suit. She had a beach ball in hand, which she was actively licking with her tongue. She stopped briefly to ask one question.

"Don't you wish this beach ball was you?" she said, winking at Chris suggestively.

"Dude!" Chris nearly melted. "That's so not fair. I feel my insides... melting!"

He then put his hands over his nostrils, as blood started to come out of his nose.

"How did you know that combo?" Cody asked Trent.

"Eh... a little birdie told me," Trent said.

Which was kinda true... as he had an active earpiece in his left lobe, from which he was receiving instructions.

* * *

Noah was sitting on the drawbridge outside, wearing headphones with a microphone attached to it. He was scanning through a 700-page leaflet, of which he held up the cover for all to see.

It said 'Silly Adult Card Game's Rules and Regulations.'

"Chris made me make the game, and now I'm using it against him."

* * *

"Noah's no longer my intern after this story," Chris made a mental note before turning his attention back to the battle. "Fine. End your turn so I can bask in the glory of Lindsay."

"Not so fast!" Geoff stopped him. "Do you remember Lindsay's special ability."

"Does everyone have a special ability?" asked Chris. "How is it special if everyone has one?"

"Lindsay's attract ability forces any male characters in your hand to be generated on the field immediately!"

Chris only had one card in his hand, though. And yet Trent's move had just forced him to play it. Duncan was generated on the field, with a chainsaw in hand.

"In addition," Trent added. "Lindsay immediately takes on the attack and defense stats of the strongest male character summoned!"

Lindsay had originally '4' attack, '1' defense, and '5' hearts, but her stats changed to '5' attack and '4' defense to match Duncan's.

"Beat that, hot shot!" Trent dared as he ended his turn.

* * *

"C'mon, guys!" Gwen said as she crossed her fingers. "You've gotta win!"

Owen, Bridgette, Geoff, Lindsay, and Beth all joined Gwen in cheering Trent and Cody on.

"Win for us!" they cheered. "Win for us! Win for us!"

"Boo!" hissed Heather. "Down in front!"

"You all won't be cheering after this turn!" Duncan predicted.

* * *

"I applaud you for your move," complimented Chris as he drew a card into what was his empty hand. "But that's all you're getting from me!"

"Especially after I play this!"

Chris activated one of his two face-down cards, the one called 'The Storm.'

"When activated," Chris smirked, "this sorcery card instantly destroys **EVERY CARD ON THE FIELD AND IN OUR HANDS**!"

"What?" Trent and Cody freaked.

"**SAY GOODBYE TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS!**"

All of the characters and cards on the field were eliminated.

* * *

Back at the lounge, Bridgette, Geoff, and Lindsay all started to fade out of existence. Duncan laughed at them... until he noticed he was fading with them.

"Lindsay summoned you to the field, idiot!" Heather scolded him.

"Oh, nuts."

That just left Heather standing alone against Gwen, Owen, and Beth.

"It's like the final three of TDI again!" Heather shouted with glee, before adding with a growl, "and Beth."

"Final two in TDA, thank you very much!" Beth reminded Heather of her adequate credentials.

* * *

"Now that the trash is gone," Chris continued, "everyone must draw cards until they have five in their hand."

Trent and Cody followed Chris' instruction. Once they had done so...

"I hope Gwen isn't among your new cards," Chris hinted, "because she's about to be sleeping with the fishes. Because I play this card!"

Chris pulled a card from his hand that read 'Cruel Trade-Off.'

"By sacrificing half of my life hearts," Chris said, as the number of hearts he had was cut from '18' to '9,' "both of you must discard your entire hand and draw five new cards!"

Trent and Cody both gulped. Neither of them had looked at their current hand yet. They weren't sure if Gwen had been killed after Chris' previous move. And if she hadn't, there was a good chance she would be killed by this one as well.

"She had better not be in your hands," Chris teased, "because if she ends up in the Grand Beyond, I automatically win, and all of you are deader than doorknobs!"

Both of the boys slowly discarded their hand, and waited to see if this was truly the end...

* * *

"I guess this is it... tell Brady I love him!" Beth said as she faded away.

"Does this mean there's no after-party?" Owen asked with disappointment, "there were going to be nachos!"

Beth and Owen both vanished, leaving Gwen and Heather alone in the lounge.

"It's just you and me, Gwennie."

"At least if Trent and Cody lose, I can take satisfaction in the fact that you're going down with us, Heather!"

* * *

Trent and Cody opened their eyes, and discovered that the battle hadn't ended. That meant...

"Gwen's still alive!" they said in unison.

"Lucky stiffs," cursed Chris. "But your decks are getting a little thin. Your luck won't hold out forever."

They each drew five cards and noted Chris' observation was spot on. There didn't seem to be many left in either of their decks.

"Funny thing, though... in this universe, forever isn't really that long. To prove my point... I generate Goddess Heather!"

Heather appeared in front of Chris' podium, wearing a Greek toga. That didn't seem too frightening, until Trent and Cody took a look at her stats.

Heather had '9' attack, '9' defense, and '9' hearts.

"Heather's the strongest character in the game!" laughed Chris. "There's no way you can defeat her!"

"Heather's the strongest?" grumbled Trent. "This game is rigged!"

"Unfortunately, Heather has a drawback. She cannot attack on the turn that she is generated. Therefore, I'll place the remainder of my cards face-down on the board, and end my turn. Be wary, gentlemen, because your lives end next turn!"

The odds were stacked against the boys. Not just because of Heather, but also due to a total of four face-downs on Chris' side of the field.

"It's hopeless!" Cody lowered his head. "We can't win now!"

Trent was about to share the sentiment when he decided to look at his new hand for the first time... and saw a glimmer of hope.

"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched," Trent said aloud. "I think we have a way to turn this around!"

Cody didn't quite understand until he glanced down at his hand. But once he saw what he had, a smile crept across his face.

"You know what? I think you're right, Trent!"

"What are you talking about?" Chris asked. "You guys have nothing. Nothing!"

"Don't be so sure. We're about to grasp victory from the jaws of defeat! And it starts now!"

Cody drew a card from his deck and put it in his hand. He pulled a different card out of his hand and showed it to Chris. It had a picture of Cody on it, from the TDI dodgeball challenge when he rubbed the ball against his shirt to give it a static charge.

"The comeback starts by me generating Cody the Playa in rush mode!"

Cody appeared, with ratings of '5,' '1', and '3,' respectively.

"Next, I play the sorcery card Ladies' Man! If any Cody is in play on the turn this is activated, then I can choose one female character on the field to lose three attack points for the duration of that turn. And I choose to use it on Goddess Heather."

Chris watched as Heather's attack power was reduced from '9' to '6.'

"Lame," Chris rolled his eyes. "Heather's still better than you, Cody!"

"Not done yet!" Cody responded. "Time to use Cody's special ability! Cody has the power on the turn it's summoned to allow any player on the field to normally generate one character in their hand onto the field in cower mode. And I've decided to pass that ability on to Trent."

"What?"

"Good job, bro," Trent thanked Cody. "I'll make good use of it by generating Trent the Stud in rush mode!"

A virtual Trent made his entrance, strumming a chord on his guitar. He had '3' attack, '3' defense, and '5' hearts.

"Ha ha!" laughed Chris. "You two are wasting your turns endangering your own lives by putting your facsimiles in harm's way? Man, you guys are lame!"

"You won't be saying that after I make this move!" Cody shouted. "The next card I play will be Gwen Takes Her Revenge! It's a sorcery card that allows me to specially generate any Gwen character card to the field!"

"That means..."

"You betcha! Say hello to Best Friend Gwen!"

Gwen appeared on the battlefield, with a happy smile on her face. Her stats were '5,' '3', and '9.'

"We can be friends, right?" Gwen asked, posing the question to the 'virtual' Cody, Trent, and Heather.

"Gwen's got a special ability to show off, but I've decided not to use it right now. So I'll end my turn."

"And I'll start mine," Trent jumped in, "because Cody did what I needed him to do."

"If you mean put Gwen's life in danger," chuckled Chris, "then he sure did."

"Yeah, but go easy on the guy. He's not the only one putting Gwen's life on the line."

"You mean?"

"Yep... I have one too! I generate Gwen the Angsty One in rush mode!"

A second Gwen generated, this one on Trent's side of the field. Unlike Cody's, though, Trent's Gwen had a frown on her face.

"Why are you always so darn happy?" this Gwen growled at Cody's Gwen. "This is a life-or-death struggle here!"

"Wait a minute!" Chris objected. "Two of the same character aren't allowed on the field at the same time! If it ever happens, all versions of that character are instantly destroyed!"

"Normally, yes," Cody agreed.

"But not in this case," Trent stated, providing the exception to the rule in the form of an exemption card in his hand.

"An exemption card? Those were banned from sanctioned competition last year, you doofuses!"

"Only in North America, Chris," Trent told him.

"Yeah! There were never banned in Australia!" Cody explained it.

As Cody said that, a kangaroo hopped into the room with a koala bear entrenched in its pouch.

"**THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!**" Chris yelled.

"This story hasn't made any sense since word one," argued Cody. "Trent, play the card!"

"You got it, Cody, and so I play the exemption card Alternate Result!"

The two Gwens on the field disappear into a puff of smoke as soon as Trent played the card.

"Sure, our conflict Gwens are instantly vanquished, like you stated Chris. But with Alternate Result, we can still gain something out of this."

"Like a corpse?" Chris raised an eyebrow, half-joking.

"Trent can use Alternate Result," Cody explained, "to generate a new Gwen, that combines the best of the two Gwens that just got taken out!"

"And I'm using it to generate Island Winner Gwen!"

A new Gwen appeared on the field, this one holding up a $100,000 check in triumph! Her stats were '1,' '1,' and '9.'

"But Gwen didn't win 'Total Drama Island!' in North America!"

"She did in Australia!" Cody said with glee.

"And now she's going to win this battle for us!" Trent added.

"How's that?" Chris asked. "With that measly attack power?"

Trent and Cody shook their heads.

"For someone who created this game, you'd think you would know all of the character's special abilities."

"I didn't create this game, Noah did! Which reminds me... not only is Noah now fired, but he's also dead. **D-E-D, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!**"

"You'll never get the chance to punish him," Trent smirked, "because if there's a Trent and a Cody on the field, Island Winner Gwen can activate her special ability! It's simply called..."

Chris gasped as Trent and Cody said the ability in unison.

"I win!"

With those words, 'virtual' Heather was instantly destroyed, and Chris screamed in anguish as his remaining life hearts dropped to '0.'

"Curse whomever invented the phrase 'deus ex machina!'"

Those were the last words Chris would speak, as Chris' podium exploded and the entire chamber became covered in white light, blinding Trent and Cody even as they felt the castle start to rumble around them.

* * *

The next time Trent and Cody could see anything, all they saw was the remnants of the castle, strewn all around them. Bricks and mortar were scattered all about, but miraculously none of it was within five feet of them. Up in the skies, the dark clouds had all disappeared, and had been replaced by a cloud-free, sunny sky.

"We did it," Trent said after a brief pause. "We did it."

"We won," Cody breathed a sigh of relief. "We won."

Trent and Cody wrapped their arms around each other in a manly hug.

"Ahem," someone coughed behind them.

They let go of each other and blushed when they saw Gwen standing there, tapping her right foot on the ground with impatience.

"Y'know, there is one thing we haven't resolved yet," she reminded them.

Trent and Cody looked at Gwen, then at each other.

"How much time do we have?" Trent glanced Cody's way.

Cody looked at the clock built into a miniature aluminum-colored dodgeball.

"A minute, give or take."

Gwen sighed.

"Then there's only one option."

Suddenly, the entire cast, alive and well, appeared around the trio to voice their only choice.

"**VIVA LAS VEGAS!**" they all yelled.

* * *

_(Shut up and put your money where your mouth is_  
_That's what you get for waking up in Vegas_  
_Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now_  
_That's what you get for waking up in Vegas!)_

Chef presided over a ceremony in Las Vegas as Gwen got married to both Trent and Cody at the same time. Bridgette served as the maid of honor while Lindsay was the flower girl, as Kate Perry's "Waking up in Vegas" played from the new MP3 player attached to her hip sash. On the opposite side, Geoff was the best man, while Tyler served as the ring bearer.

Everyone else was in the pews, watching the ceremony unfold... all with various good and bad emotional reactions to the three-person union.

"I can't believe I was invited to this stupid thing," complained Heather. "Much less that I decided to actually come!"

"The door's that-a-way!" LeShawna said, pointing to the back of the room. "No one's forcin' ya to be here!"

"Don't the three of them look cute together?" Katie asked Sadie.

"They look absolutely cute together!" replied Sadie.

"That gives me an idea!"

"You mean... have a three-person marriage?"

Katie gasped. "You were thinking the same thing as me?"

"Of course I was thinking the same thing as you!"

"Then you must be thinking the same person to be our husband!"

"If the same person is Justin, then yes!"

"**EEEEEEEEEEEE!**"

The two of them sneaked under the pew in front of them, getting a hold of Justin before he could escape. They each leaned against him and gazed dreamily into his eyes. Justin... just gulped in fear...

"I have a feeling this ending's not good for my modeling career!"

In another pew, Izzy was fast asleep as her arms and legs were wrapped around Owen's left arm... and the big lug had a huge smile on his face.

"Ha ha! I hope my wedding's like this one day. Only with tons and tons more food. Especially during the ceremony!"

He chuckled again, but upon stopping, he noticed that Izzy had woken up, and glared at him.

"What?"

"I like you and all," answered Izzy, "but Izzy refuses to be tied down to a bed for the rest of her life!"

Owen gave Izzy an odd look, as if he didn't understand what she meant. Then, even more surprisingly, she began laughing.

"Ha ha ha ha! Izzy's just kidding around! Of course I wanna spend the rest of my natural life with you, ya big lug! Oh, and the afterlife, too... 'cause I'm totally into being married while ghost!"

"Alright!" Owen pumped his fist with glee. "We're getting married first thing tomorrow!"

"No way," Courtney cut in, leaning in between Owen and Izzy. "I've already called dibs on the next marriage ceremony!"

"Wait!" Duncan, who was sitting next to Courtney, freaked. "What?"

"I must do it! For the good of the people of Ontario Falls!"

Courtney turned his head the other way, giving Duncan the perfect opportunity to pull out his brainwashing gun at aim at his head. And he was about to squeeze the trigger, when he saw a sight that made him freeze in place.

Courtney and Alejandro... were kissing!

"Wait!" Duncan uttered. "What?"

Stunned stupid as Courtney and Alejandro continued to swap saliva, Duncan didn't even notice Izzy rip the ray gun from his hands. And then shoot it at herself.

"Ho oh, I feel funny..."

Izzy then, without warning, grabbed the dazed Duncan by the arm and started pulling him hurriedly towards the exit.

"The Alamo will be **MINE**!" she yelled, dragging Duncan behind her.

"But what about our wedding?" Owen shouted, running out after them.

DJ breathed a sigh of relief as the trio exited the chapel.

"Whew!" he exclaimed. "I'm glad I'm in no rush to get hitched."

"That's not necessarily a good thing," Harold told him. "In the social hierarchy, people with a significant other are more likely to be popular and to get noticed in the real world."

"It's true," Beth added. "Nobody paid attention to me until Brady and I got together."

"News flash," Noah said to her, "nobody still pays attention to you."

Up at the altar, Chef was about to get to the part everyone had been waiting for. But first...

"Now, if anyone thinks these three should not be legally wed," he said aloud, "speak now... **OR KEEP YOUR DAMN TRAPS SHUT!**"

"**I OBJECT!**"

Everyone gasped as their heads turned back to the chapel entrance. Standing there, fully decked out in a wedding dress (and the only person actually in wedding-appropriate clothing), was Sierra.

"If anyone's gonna marry Cody, **IT'S ME!**" she yelled.

Trent and Gwen looked at Cody oddly.

"Do you know her?" Trent asked.

"I swear I've never seen that girl in my life!" Cody replied, although it sounded like a plea of desperation aimed at Gwen.

"Alright, crackpot!" Eva said, grabbing Sierra by the arm. "This fake wedding's invitation only!"

"No one's gonna keep me from my Cody!" Sierra yelled.

Sierra grabbed Eva, and the two startled wrestling on the carpet.

"You **DARE** try to outwrestle me?"

"You have **NO** idea who you're messing with, sister!"

Trent, Gwen, and Cody looked at each other, and they had no idea what to do. But someone else did.

"Break it up, ladies!" Ezekiel said as he walked over to the fighting gals. "Wrestling is beneath you, eh!"

Both girls responded to Ezekiel's attempts to break them up... by both simultaneously delivering a fist to his face. Ezekiel went down, and was knocked out instantly.

"For crying out loud!" grumbled Chef.

Chef pocketed his little black marriage ceremony procedures book and walked over to where Eva and Sierra were grappling. Seconds later, no one could bear to watch as Chef brutally handled the situation by throwing a flurry of punches no one would want to willingly be on the receiving end of.

The next time anyone opened their eyes, Eva, Sierra, and for some odd reason, Ezekiel, had been booted from the chapel, and Chef was back standing at the makeshift altar with the happy threesome.

"**ANYONE ELSE OBJECT?**"

"No!" everyone answered, in perfect unison.

"Good! Then, with the power invested in me by the powers that be, I now pronounce you husband and wife... and, uh, husband."

Chef looked at Trent, Gwen, and Cody, having not thought beforehand that he would have to modify the last few sentences.

"Um... you may now **BOTH** kiss the bride?"

Given Gwen only had one pair of lips, Trent and Cody had to settle for the next best thing in order to make it fair.

They simultaneously kissed her on the cheek.

"Hooray!" everyone in the chapel cheered.

"May I now present," Chef declared, hesitantly, "uh, for the first time, um... Mister and Misses and Mister... you know what? **FIGURE IT OUT YOUR DAMN SELVES!**"

Everyone cheered, and Gwen reached down and grabbed each of the boys' hands. Together, the trio raced down the aisle and towards the exit, as the gathered cheered once again. Both Bridgette and Lindsay were crying with happiness, but the latter so much so that a puddle was forming on the floor around her. Geoff gave two thumbs up, one for each of the lucky husbands, while Tyler applauded enthusiastically.

Once outside the chapel, Trent, Gwen, and Cody found an open stagecoach waiting for them. The three hopped in as the rest of the gang sprinted out to wave them farewell one last time. Seeing the group gathering, Gwen stuck her head out the window just as the coach began pulling away. She held out the wedding bouquet for all to see, and then threw it into the air, back towards the group. Most of the girls reached up to try and grab it, and it bounced off of several hands, including Lindsay's, Courtney's, Bridgette's, LeShawna's, and Beth's, before landing... in the arms of Heather, who was off to the side and wasn't even actively going for it in the first place!

Gwen snickered as Trent and Cody joined her in looking out the window, and the trio waved goodbye to their friends. The adventure was over, they survived, they were all happy...

And they had forgotten why the three had agreed to star in this parody to begin with.

**The End**  
**[happy endings for all]**

**-[Epilogue]-**

"Wait, wait, wait. That's it?"

Chris and the author (that's me) were meeting after production had finished on 'Total Drama Fantasy' and the reality show host was seeing the product days before its premiere.

"13 chapters," Chris shouted, "and Gwen chooses both of them? Really?"

"Well," I argued, pulling out a chart, "surveys say readers are accepting of an ending in which the status quo is the final result. In the current universe of the show, Gwen's single, so the story ends with her uncommitted."

"She's married to two dudes! That's as far from uncommitted as you can get! And people won't accept this! There are Trent-Gwen fans and there are Cody-Gwen fans! There **AREN'T** Trent-Gwen-Cody fans!"

"How would you know? This is a fandom that suddenly thinks Bridgette should be in a relationship with a pole!"

"I'm sorry, but I refuse to accept this! Rewrite the ending!"

"Then you better gimme a pay raise!"

"Pay raise? I wasn't even paying you to begin with!"

"Fine! Do it yourself! Strike my name off this project. I refuse to have my name attached to anything that doesn't keep my vision intact."

The author (me) marched out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

"Oh well. With him gone, this story can truly end in a way that'll get everyone talking!"

* * *

At a castle-like structure in an unknown location the night of the rush wedding in Las Vegas, Gwen was leading Trent and Cody up the stairs to the top of the tallest tower.

It didn't take long for them to reach the door leading into the lone room in the top.

"I can't wait to see what you guys have in store," Gwen said with a seductive smile in her face. "Just... give me a minute to get ready."

Gwen went inside and closed the door behind her. Trent and Cody grinned from ear-to-ear, and added a chest bump for exuberance.

"Man, I've been waiting for this day since the first time I met her," Trent said aloud.

"Me too," Cody agreed. "So, I get first dibs, right?"

"What? No! I do!"

"That's not fair! I called it, way back in Chapter 1!"

"That was in reference to seeing who got the first chance to flirt with her... gah!"

"And Gwen never outright rejected me, so I still have dibs!"

Trent sighed.

"Look, there's gotta be a better way to resolve this."

"How about we just do a double?"

Trent and Cody thought about it for a second, and then they quickly waved away that suggestion.

"Two naked guys in one story's two too many for me already," Trent stuck out his tongue in disgust.

"Seconded. So... what other way can we decide who goes first?"

Both of them racked their brains for a few seconds, but once they saw the other clench their fists, they knew what they had to do.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" they yelled, performing the motions with each word.

On the first attempt, they both pitched rock.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

On the second, paper.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

The third, scissors.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Then back to rock...

* * *

_(30 minutes later...)_

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Paper.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Scissors.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Rock.

* * *

_(Two hours later...)_

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Scissors.

* * *

_(The next morning...)_

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Both presented the Vulcan salute.

"Heh heh," they both chuckled. "Spock."

* * *

_(Five years later...)_

An older, impatient Gwen, was standing in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest as older versions of Trent and Cody continued to play... and continued to draw.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Rock.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Scissors.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

Rock again.

"Worst five years of my life," Gwen commented.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" the boys continued.

Gwen shook her head as the two continued to play, then walked past them and back down the tower stairs.

"I'm off to find someone to relate to," she said without looking back.

"Yeah, see you later," the two boys said, not paying attention.

Gwen then departed, and continued to play rock, paper, scissors on and on and on and on...

_[Chris]_  
_(Ha ha! Now THAT'S a Drama-filled ending!_  
_The readers will eat this up!)_

**The End... for real!**

***Author's Notes and Minor Commentary***  
And so with that, "Total Drama Fantasy" comes to an end! This was a very fun story to write, and just snowballed into pure insanity at points. The good kind of insanity, of course, not the bad kind.

The story has evolved so much over the release process. Characters got added that weren't originally going to be in it to begin with, and some events got changed around. Especially the ending. To be frank, originally, I was going to follow the route of the TV show and offer two endings for you guys to vote for. One with Trent winning Gwen's heart, the other with Cody claiming victory. But, as I came down towards the end of the story, I realized I hadn't quite spent enough time on their 'rivalry' to make it worthwhile for either one to win outright. So I compromised and had them 'share' Gwen. I hope that's okay. Especially given what's happened so far in 'World Tour' (and I'm not saying more on that point, because I know there are a few Canadian readers here and they're still pretty early in the season).

This tale may be over, but you still haven't seen everything of "Total Drama Fantasy" yet. This October, I'll be releasing a special edition on my website, Freedom Fighter's Library (see my profile page for the link). This special edition includes all 13 chapters, plus bonus material like uncut and alternate scenes, a guide to all the jokes and references, and more! Go to my profile page or follow my Twitter (freefightwriter), as I'm now on there too, for up-to-the-date information on when that gets released.

Thanks to everyone who's read this story! Please take the time to leave a review, regardless of whether you liked it or not. I try my best to reply to all reviews, even if just to say thanks!

Until the next 'Total Drama' tale, folks!

- Freedom Fighter


End file.
